ON this very moment.

I think it's sort of hilarious that I sneak over to this blog to write things down that are sitting in my heart. I understand branding and the business of being a business just a little too well and so I never want to cross those lines on the mustard seed co blog. I like to keep that shiny and polished and brand-centric (you know, that is, when I actually write over there).

But this little space is so safe. Anyone who still reads it knows that I pour out my heart here, that I'm honest almost to a fault. And may I also say I think it's hilarious how many readers I still have? I can see those stats, you guys, and it blows my mind that people continue to come here to read. Thus furthering my point about authenticity - when we just are who we are, people want more. When we present something that makes sense and flows really well and we look great on, it can be give or take. I've always thought that this blog would be the one to "take off", if you will, if I ever actually was consistent. Because being our true selves is, like, the freaking jam. It's where success lives. (Hey can someone remind me of this sometime? When I'm forgetting it? Great, thanks in advance.)

Every time I get back to my apartment from being home in NJ, I have to take a couple of days to shake back into my routine and life here. And every time I get back, I try to remind myself to be gentle with the transition. "Try" being the keyword. Coming back to the city means being slammed with the reminders that I have no idea where I will be living in a couple of months, and I mean that in regards to city, state, and apartment, including my current one. I'm slammed with the reminder of what I want and how far I often feel I'm from it (and how close). I'm slammed with the reminder of the people and animals who need help, who need others, with so many sitting on the ground around me. I'm slammed directly in all of my senses with all of the awesome and scary and loud and exciting things that make New York City what it is. I'm hit dead on with where I want to be, where I am, what I'm working toward, what I'm running from. And, of course, I'm kicked in the gut and in my heart with the missing human in my life. Still. Daily. Every blessed moment.

Re-reading all of that now it's easy for me to think "well of course all of that at once can make a girl a little wonky for a day or two". But in the moments of living it, I just want to be past it. I want to know the future, I want a clear freaking answer on if I should move and if that's down the street or across the country. I want guidance and a big giant sign that says I'll be fine financially, emotionally, physically, and in so many other ways.

But that giant sign is faith, right? That's what we do, right? We keep taking these steps forward despite the fact that we are wobbling around in darkness, completely unsure of what's in front of us, with feet and legs that can't seem to remember how to move, and a pounding heart. We keep going. And the difference here is that many just stop. They feel the power of fear and they just stop. Even if they are urged to move for the rest of their life, they won't. They stay frozen and cave to fear. But we get to choose faith. We get to say that it is bigger than that paralyzing fear. And so there I am again, on my knees, face pointed upward, sobbing and talking and asking and praying and wanting and trusting.

And while it doesn't sound so fun, or feel so good in the moment, it is the only thing keeping me moving forward. And that is some powerful shit. The days I cross my arms and stomp my feet and say no to God and no to praying and no to trusting are so much worse than any handful of minutes spent crying on my floor. The times I spend thrusting a hand over my eyes and refusing to look at God and demanding that I know best are so much freaking worse than the terrifying moments of taking a tiny step forward when I feel God call me to move. It is so much worse when I pretend that I'm in charge. I'm not in charge, and neither are you. It's all Him. I grant that this sounds insane and ridiculous and terrifying but damn if it isn't true. It's insane how insane it is, because it is TRUE. And terrifying. And glorious.

The other day, I was walking behind a family in central park. People not from New York tend to walk in a straight line so they can, like, actually see and hear each other (what is that about?) and so I literally was forced to walk behind them as I caught my breath from the run I'd just had. In between my wheezing, I heard one of them say something about how he didn't understand why people run. Another cracked a joke about New Yorkers needing to run so they can run away from their crazy lives. And I thought to myself how that's not it at all. How it's the opposite. That we are running, full steam ahead, with everything we've got, toward our lives. We are the brave ones running head on toward it. We are running toward the amazing things that are on their way. We are running with each tiny, terrifying step.

I don't have any answers still. I'm like a one-woman detective team with my quest for "signs" - a certain song will play and I'm convinced it means to move somewhere, I'll see a certain word and I'm convinced it means to make that call, and so on. I honestly have no idea what's coming next and God is drilling that so hard into my brain you'd think I would freaking accept it by now. Sometimes I think He's like "hey Kerry, I'm running out of ideas here on how to get you to see that you cannot control your life or know what's happening next. Can you do me a solid and just surrender to it? Cool, thanks!" But even with absolutely no answers, and even with all this pain and fear and wondering and growth, I have this faith. And He calls me to take a step. And to take another. And if I'm lucky, I do it. Slowly, steadily. Step.

And step. And step. And step. And step.

Kerry At The Moment; Or, Why Blogging Before Bed Is Dangerous

 I picked this photo because after you read this, you'll be looking at me like this ^^

Something is shifting in my life. You know that feeling? When something just doesn't feel right. Not in a bad way, just in an uncomfortable-things-are-shaking way.

This seems to happen a lot in my life, come to think of it.

The best way I can explain it is that my entire being is hitting the 'reset' button but unfortunately everything and everyone around me is still in hyperactive go mode and expects me to stay at the pace I've been keeping. I've found myself opening my computer to delete facebook roughly 17 times in the past two days, until I remember that I run social media accounts as part of my job. But I have zero desire to be on it. I have a constant urge to hide under my blankets until I can navigate this time of growth in a way that doesn't make everything else feel impossible. I'm so removed that I didn't even look at my phone for nearly the last 48 hours and didn't open my laptop once and I was so happy.

The most telling thing is that I have literally zero fucks to give about almost everything. It's like whatever change and growth is going on here with me is so big, so overwhelming that I don't have time for anything petty, drama filled, ridiculous, or minimal. Scratch that - I almost don't have any time or space within me to deal with anything else. At all. The handful of people that matter so much to me are getting my attention, plus my babydogs of course, but that's it. That's all I've got room for. It's making me a bit of a crappy friend but every time I start to want to remedy the situation, my inner voice tells me to hold tight, keep waiting, trust in what I'm doing.

I'm craving a really big change. An overhaul. I'm craving getting back to doing only the things that I love with my whole heart. I've recently had this realization that every single thing I decide to do, I do successfully. If I care about it, I nail it. Ridiculous things that I shouldn't even really be able to do, I'm doing or have done. But here's the other realization that came along with it: just because I'm able to do something well doesn't mean I should be doing it. I'm not 100% sure what that means yet but it was one of those realizations that stopped me in my tracks and those are the kind that come to fruition.

Is any of this making sense?

The most clear way I can think to explain it is that I got very lost somewhere along the way, trying to be everything to everyone and terrified that any further success would be tied to continued pain. In acting, in love, in everything. That if I got the things I wanted, I would suffer for the next few years because of getting them. But many a year later, and so much pain later, I'm now able to see that belief system as what it is: made up. False. A way to keep myself at bay. And now I've made peace with that realization but am still in the middle of the woods, looking around, like "okay, now what?" but in a way that sometimes is like "okay! now what?!" because it's exciting to recognize that I can literally do anything, that I succeed at anything I decide to do, and that I am so exhausted with pleasing others that I'm free in a way I've never known. But all the while, I'm still in the woods, still lost. Or at least, not found quite yet.

What is that horribly annoying saying about when you lose the most important thing in your life, you're able to do anything? It's a cheesy quote scribbled into thousands of teenager's journals and probably also pressed onto some walls with those removable decals. Anyway, you know what I mean. Wait - once you've lost everything, you're free to do anything? Is that it? (Is this the best post you've ever read or what?) That's where I'm at. I feel like the last 6 months were the most painful stripping away of everything that I'd decided mattered the most to me. It's actually still going on but I can feel it slowing down and also there's very little left so, you know. It wiped out people, relationships, situations, opportunities, etc. If you had any idea how many times in the past six months I've spent sobbing on my floor, talking to (yelling at) God, asking Him to please just show me what the hell He wanted me to do, you would send presents and pat me on the head every time you saw me with one of those pitying looks.

But the whole time this has been going on and I've been using up every tissue in the stock of boxes I had under my bed, there has been this calm voice telling me to keep going. Stay steady on this path, that it's good things that are coming. That this is a clearing out so God can work in my life in a new way that I cannot even imagine yet. That this massive amount of pain and uncertainty is exactly perfectly timed and I just need to trust it. When I'm totally calm about it, there is this peace I feel that I've never felt before ever and honestly, that part is maybe the scariest.

I'm not sure this blog post is even going anywhere. No, I know it's not. Part of me hopes that my friends who read it will maybe understand why I'm currently AWOL and that it has nothing to do with them but that it's too hard to explain over and over so I'm just not explaining. Part of me hopes that writing it out is just the next step in clarity. The other day I realized that the main reason I make art is because I desire for everyone to know they are not alone in their experience in this world. The struggles, the pain, the love, the bliss, the joy. The things we keep locked away in our heads or our bedrooms are actually things that everyone else is going through or has gone through or will go through. And if one of you reading this is nodding along, thinking of their own massive tissue causalities recently, feeling the way that I'm feeling, then that's why I felt the need to write this. For you. For us.

This is the part where I make the disclaimer that I am unbelievably blessed in so many ways that so many people will never get the gift of experiencing. That I'm not experiencing "real" problems, because I'm not! I still have most of my core family members, I still have my handful of lifetime best friends who stay steadfast with me while I'm in such a weird place, I have my health and the ability to see and hear and breathe and love. Sure, yes, have there been scary and painful things? Yes. Do I miss my best friend so much I feel insane most days without him to share all of this with and hear his input? Yes. Am I scared out of my mind about this large amount of unknowns? Yes. Have there been other things I'm not writing here because they are not your business? Yes. But still. Even without reading headlines of the latest world tragedies, I know how lucky and blessed I am and that all of this pain is leading to awesome. So don't go thinking I'm in pain and unbelievably self-centered. I may be a hot mess but I'm an aware, empathetic, praying for everyone hot mess.

I've been staying in NJ the past week and I keep falling asleep. Mainly after I meditate but other times, too. I've taken legit naps (something I never, ever do). I know this is my body managing the restart button that's happening. I know it's turning off so it can do what it needs to. Even in this moment, I am so, so tired. It's that deep kind of exhaustion that comes with massive life changes. Like I've got two miles left in my first marathon and I have no idea how I'm going to get to the finish line or how long it's going to take but there's this drive and truth and a voice that tells me to keep going, keep going, keep going. That it's not as far as I think.

So I keep going.

Sunday Nights Are Great For Love Letters.

photos from this week. mainly bc my computer quit and instagram is all I got for ya

Sometimes I just get these clear, calming thoughts. Most likely that's from meditation and the paradox process and, you know, God and the Universe and Nature and all of that. BUT it got me thinking. What if our future selves can reach out to us right now and send us little love messages? So I'm writing myself a love letter from my future, older, wiser self.

Because these are the things I do on a Sunday night and also because I would very much like to have a talk with her soon. Here's what I think she would say.
___

Dear Kerry,

Calm down. It's going to be just fine. All of it. I promise. Calm down.

It's actually a lot more fun to go through life not knowing what's going to happen next. Think about it: haven't all of the best times been things you never saw coming? Yes, they have been. I know that's true because I was there for them, too. I know it feels scary and uncomfortable right now but it won't always feel like this. I know you're worried everything is going to fall to pieces but it won't.

Spoiler alert: we absolutely get everything that is meant for us. All of the meant-for-us things are ours. We win! Yay! I'm not going to tell you what they are because I'd rather you enjoy the experience of your life as it happens but trust me, they are good. Really, really, deliciously, outrageously good. Keeping on that note, we do not get anything that is not meant for us. Another spoiler alert: by now we could give two shits about those things because they were not meant for us. And the things that are meant, that are ours, are so awesome that we can't even remember what those other things were.

You are really, really loved. You are loved so much you can't comprehend it quite yet and that's okay, but it's important you know this. I know you feel kind of crummy right now and I'm sorry. Think about every other time you felt sad, confused, or alone, and remember that each and every time that happens it turns you into a better person. You are not going to feel this way forever. In fact, you already don't feel this way all the time or even most of the time. Don't let the once-in-awhile feeling trick you into believing it's never going to stop.

You've already learned by now that you somehow just know things. You don't understand why or how but there are some clear truths that hit you hard and you simply know them. You know. Stop trying to figure out why you have this gift, stop judging if it's cool or weird and stop messing with your own head and convincing yourself you don't know or you might be wrong. When it comes to these things, you are always right and you do just know. Trust in it. Even, and most especially when it feels scary or hard to trust yourself.

Let him take the time he needs to become the person he wants to be. You can't do it for him, no matter how much you want to. He can't be with you until he figures out who he is and he can't figure out who he is with you by his side. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them wade out into the mucky waters by themselves to learn they can figure out how to get back out on their own.. instead of scrambling to build them a canoe and fashion them a life vest and yell like hell from the shore. I know you're scared he won't make it back out and I know you're scared he won't return home to you. But even with all of that fear, you have to let him figure it out on his own. Put down the life vest. He did the same for you.

You're actually doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. Keep working on giving yourself that credit. Be nice to yourself. You're listening to your calling, and creating the life you want for yourself and that right there is enough to throw a freaking party over. You're living in New York City and you're making it work somehow and that's also worth a celebration. Keep working from the place of serving others and you cannot lose. Remember that gifts are meant to be shared. Quit keeping most of yours to yourself, that's called being selfish. God gave you these gifts for a reason. And sing more, would you? You like to sing.

Just wait until you see how great it gets. Every experience, every pain, every fear was totally worth it to get us to where we are now (something you can already understand, right?). Keep swimming. I love you!

Love,
an older, wiser, incredibly beautiful, still not modest, but happier than a pig in shit,
You

Unapologetic; Or a post on 2014 and a case of the busy-busies.

this photo has nothing to do with this post. except i like it. and it fits my thoughts. credit: Philip Spaeth

Here's the thing: I really miss writing.

I keep wanting to write, thinking I should blog, but then - no, organize the new website for Mustard Seed, take the dogs out on a longer walk, finish that project, reply to the seemingly endless emails, eat-did-you-eat?, do the things, say the words, make the calls, blah blah blah. And then I don't. Mostly it's because I'm over here hoarding posts and post ideas for my soon-to-be new blog for my business website that I swear I am so close to finishing except no not at all but it's a damn good start. And I think about all these things and start to get overwhelmed and then I have to stop and take care of myself because I'm no good to the world if I'm no good to myself.

And I think about how I miss writing. And here we are.

I don't care for the idea that being busy stops you from doing what you love. That is potatoes. But I am a firm believer that we ourselves stop us from doing what we love. I see it in my clients, I see it in my community, I see it in myself. And when I spy something in myself that I don't like, I have to change it. Self-growth, change, working on myself provide me with a high unlike any other.

I've been searching around for my word for 2014. My clients and I have chosen some most excellent ones for themselves and I'm thrilled for them. My 2013 word was Brave. Capital B. And I look back at the past year and I can see how Brave weaved itself into my choices, my struggles, lessons, gains, Love, passion, and career. I can see it. I couldn't always then but that hindsight thing is no joke. 2013 blew my damn mind. I never saw any of it coming. Actually, if you had told me what would happen in 2013 a year earlier, I would have laughed my face off at you. So I'm eager to see what happens this year and am fairly without any expectations. I got that lesson loud and clear last year: you cannot control, you do not know, just show up and trust. But with that mindset, it can be hard to choose a word to encompass the upcoming year.

So I've been working through some: Light, for one. I find myself asking if that's a strong enough choice but I remind myself to be light multiple times a day so it's worth pursuing. Confidence, another. Release. Proclaiming. Balance. Commitment. And then tonight, I had a thought: Unapologetic. There's something about that word that lights up a part of me that I forgot I had and reminds me of who I am. In that deliciously unexpected way, you know? Like when you're wearing your favorite outfit and feel so right, or see a photo of yourself where you're like "oh, there I am". It feels like the piece of me that's been sitting quietly, waiting for the rest of me to come back for it.

Unapologetic. I like it.

Not in a way where I won't be apologizing. Obviously. But unapologetic about my life, my choices, what I feel like wearing, saying no to going out, saying no in general, enjoying the things I enjoy. Unapologetic about my love and ability to love and my words and my ability to speak them. Unapologetic about my success, about receiving compliments, about my commitment to hustling until I get everything I want. And freaking unapologetic about what it is that I want. And need. And crave. And hope for. And don't need. And don't want. Unapologetic about being myself.

I think the reason I love to blog so much is that it forces me to catch these tiny moments within my life that I may have missed otherwise. I don't want to miss those moments in my life. I don't want answering emails or making color palate choices or texting someone back or shoveling breakfast in my mouth to cause me to miss out on those simple, sweet, intoxicating, life-changing, life-awareness moments. I don't want to miss any of the magical life lessons that come from my sweet pups. I don't want to brush away Henry when he taps me on the shoulder with his paw (no but really he does this) because he needs something and I'm too busy working to have noticed. I don't want to miss the moments when the Universe and God are talking to me but I'm too busy updating my google calendar to hear them. I don't want to miss the way the sweetest man in the world looks at me because I'm too busy trying to plan the next time we'll be able to see each other. And I don't want to miss out on remembering these moments later because I was too busy to write them down.

I don't want to miss my life because I'm too busy creating the life I think I want.

I don't actually have a cute way of wrapping this up or tying it all together or even a point in why I'm writing except that I just needed to write. At this point I can't imagine anyone is still reading this thing but in a way that almost makes it better. And either way I don't care. It's for me, right here, right now. And I'm unapologetic about that. (Look at that, I DID have a cute way of tying it together.)

on HEAR YE, HEAR YE, SHE RETURNS.

Oh hey internet. If it seems like I disappeared, that would be because I did. This whole running your own business thing.. was that my idea? Here's what I didn't factor in.. you ready? because this is a big time super amazing piece of advice: running a business centered around dogs and running a business centered around humans are very different.

More on this brilliance after an update on my life via instagram pics:

Tell me that's not some genius shit. No, but really, when I was running my own dog nannying business for the past 2.5 years, it was pretty easy. The dogs were perfect company, didn't mind if I had to take a phone call, were on a pretty solid routine, and were okay with sometimes not talking. People are very different. That being said, I'm pretty obsessed with coaching and am able to do it right alongside acting. Add in my other social media gig with, you know, life, and that should explain the disappearance. But today I realized that I really miss reading blogs and writing my blog so hopefully I'll be able to blog more frequently.

If you want to learn more about my coaching/consulting business, visit here.
The website is being redesigned soon so keep your eyes peeled for a re-launch!
If you're a blogger and want to be a part of a test run for a new part of coaching, write me.

Have a beautiful week, friends.

on FILLING UP

Sometimes I realize I'm running on empty. Oh, I'm sleeping plenty, and I remember to eat more than I used to, and my life is going great, but my soul is hungry. I've been putting others and other things before me, before my dreams, before my being. And try as I might, I just can't care and love and give the way I like to unless my heart and soul and being are full, overflowing, drenched in inspiration. I don't think or know if it's this way for everyone, but I am an artist, for better or worse, and it is this way for me.

I'll notice it in little signs. The way I stretch my feet while on the subway, subconsciously sliding one foot out of my sandal, letting it gently press through a flexed position and slide into pointed. And repeat. My hands start to itch to paint. My thoughts play through my mind like a really great book, or narration of a film. And a dull, low ache, begins to wrap itself around my core. Sing. Dance. Move. Run. Play. Color. Try. Make. Trust. Write. Stretch. This little soundtrack composed by my inner most needs.

So I start to fill up. I watch things like this, and I think about the last time my bare feet touched the floor of a studio. And I marvel in the gifts that others have, and the wonders of what our bodies can do, and the ability to tell a story without speaking:

And I re-watch things like this, and I remember what it feels like to be so fully committed, and on fire with passion, and fearless and terrified all at the same time:

And I re-watch a season of this, to remember why I'm an actor, because ohmygod have you seen the genius that are these actors? The way their ability to do nothing is just everything? The way I become fixated that I must be on this show, I must be on this show. Or at least on the set, just watching, absorbing:

And I turn to words and poems and stories that crawl into the space of my soul that needs it the most:

And I think about how in the past, those words above would have surely sent me into a memory about broken hearts from boys, but seeing those words now, as I am in this very moment, I am aware of how very much it has nothing to do with boys. Quite frankly my heart is very happy in that area, thankyouverymuch. And this delights me. So instead of seeing that, this quote took the shape of me doing, trying, and going toward anything except what I want. For all the human reasons that we humans do that sort of thing. And in a way, that's almost worse than the kind of pain from a broken heart from other people. Breaking your own heart is worse. Except I think something is cracking, and it's either my sanity or my heart. And I think maybe instead of breaking, it's opening. Letting the light back in, or the fire back out, or both at once. And I wonder if I'll let it open all the way, or if I'll get to try again another time. Because eventually it will open to my truth.

And I fill up.

on OH HEY INTERNET

Internet. Blog. Blog friends. Actual friends.
Hello.

It has been a minute, no? I haven't posted on this here little blog in what feels like forever, which is serious proof that my life is in crazy mode. So obvs we need a catch up, right? Right. Here's what I've been up to in the past two weeks. First, some photos:

My sweet babies.

Layla is either causing trouble or being unbelievably sweet and cuddly. Nothing in between.

I met Heather! Love this girl. Check out her blog here.

Broadway Barks! The little Chi above, Dotty, is avail through Bidawee. Another pup fancied her to be his tail rest.

Best pizza I've ever had in NYC so far. The company sure didn't hurt either ;)

My little cousin moved to NYC! Now we can have impromptu lunch dates!

This is my favorite place ever.

 So now that you've been caught up in photos, here's what else I've been up to:

Auditions. Just streams of them. Commercials, voiceovers, musicals, magazines.. meetings and setting up meetings and helping others set up meetings. At my agency, at studios, in recording booths. Uptown, downtown, midtown. Even via my iphone recording app and good ol' fashioned email. I feel lucky and grateful and excited and terrified.

Coaching. That's right, I'm officially coaching. After getting trained as a life coach a couple of years ago, and then laughing about that, plus years of intense work on this here life/human, plus x amount of years in the industry plus an obsession with the business side of the business and the realization that all I do is coach every one anyway, especially with biz stuff, and a few brave moves later... annnnd coaching. Life and business coaching for actors/artists and people who want to be actors/artists. I'm kind of obsessed. There will be more on this later. (Also, want to coach with me? Great, send me an email. Not an actor but want to coach anyway? Cool, I got you, email me.)

Life. More like driving back and forth between NJ and NYC. A lot. Summer means a lot of time in NJ and I thought this summer would be like summers past where I have nothing going on in acting land or social life land and could kick it on my couch with my babies and my family and friends and go to the beach. Incorrect! Ha! said the Universe. Ha! said God. You think you run the show? Nah, hop in your car, we've got plans for you. And all I can do is surrender to it and be excited.

Doggies. Mine (eeeeee I love them so much they are my babies hkjsnfkansfal). Other people's whom I watch. Shelter pups who I am working to save on the daily. Like every night until 2 or 3 am with the Urgent group. If you are looking to help save some dogs, please join Urgent (or a group like that near you) and post the dogs on your page. They have about 12 hours between being listed and being killed. The more who post them, the more get saved. More on this soon, too.

Lessons. As in, the ones that are repeatedly given to me to learn and learn and learn until I get it straight and then more lessons. Cause this is how we grow.

Work. I counted yesterday and I now have 6 jobs. 6! What am I, nuts? All freelance, and all remotely, and all things that I seriously love. Which is good because, seriously, 6?

And that is that! You are caught up, internet style. Happy Tuesday, beautiful people.

on SOCRATES, I LOVE YOU

For so long I would harp on the past. On what had to be "fixed" from years, days, hours gone by, so that I could move forward. It wasn't enough to let it settle, or forget about it. I had to analyze, understand, and talk it out until I (and anyone else involved) was blue in the face.

And now, I seem to be nearly completely without concern for the past. So when I saw this quote today, it caught my eye. I re-read it a few times, in my head, and then aloud. While I do my best to not harp on incidents from the past, nor identify people with any particular traits/ways they've treated me in the past (i.e. if I've changed so much, he/she could have changed just as much), I do still obsessively want to "fix" the parts of myself that I would like to be "better". I spend an awful lot of time trying to break down old belief systems that do not serve me anymore, and keep a watchful eye as to when they show up (i.e. "I'm not good enough"). This is good because it means I've identified harmful beliefs and am getting them out one by one. But could I stand to put more energy into creating my life right now, in this very second, and working toward goals? Yep.

What if, and stay with me here, but what if, in creating what I want for my present, those old belief systems just went poof. Poof! What if that's the kicker to get rid of them? What if focusing so much on wanting to stop them, is part of what's keeping them around? What if we don't need to wrestle with the ghosts of who we used to be, and can, instead, just love the living being we are right now?

That Socrates, I tell you what. Guy knew his shit.

on A BLACK LAB TEACHES ME EVERYTHING IN CHURCH

image via

I slid into the pew about ten minutes after mass had started. I'm a late person. I just am. When I left the apartment almost at the time church started, I figured I'd be much later than just ten minutes, so actually I was delighted with myself.

There was a homeless person in the pew in front of me, laying down, asleep, so there was a massive amount of seating open in that area. An invisible bubble of nonsense protection from whatever it is that people think they'll get from homeless people. For the latecomer here, this was great news, because it meant that I got a seat.

When I sat, I saw it; the flash of a long black tail whip up and around underneath the pew. And then my ears heard a familiar jingle of collar tags knocking into each other. And then out slid one paw, followed by the other, and bang, she was licking my feet. A beautiful black lab hanging out under the pew while her family took in the service. My kind of people. Her mom apologized profusely, but I shook her off. The only thing I could possibly think of to make a relaxing Sunday morning at church better, would be if there were dogs in every pew.

Every time she let out a little whimper, or thumped her head by accident, or jangled, or did one of the many other things that pups do, various people turned their heads, trying to place what the noise was. Add to this, the various screaming children who are either very upset, or are praising god in a way that adults somehow forget after age six. Parents who are shushing and hushing and rocking and reasoning. And then add the many other shuffles and sounds that come with a large amount of humans - jittery, cell phone having, busybusybusynewyorkers - all gathered in one quiet place. And I noticed something: the heads turning, the comments made, the stares and eye rolls and judgements. One couple got me, in particular. They were the first to whip their heads around when the sweet dog made a noise, every time. Yet they maintained a conversation between the two of them the entire mass. And this got me thinking.

Why were they here? To fulfill an obligation? Or because they wanted to be? Were they just punching in and out each week in order to earn enough star stickers to win extra good karma? And then ever further: Why do we do the things we do? Why do I do the things I do? What's the impulse? Reasoning?

I was speaking with a friend last night who mentioned they were considering making a decision based on filling their savings account. Now, you don't have to tell me about money. I'm an artist, for pete's sake. There are many moments where I'm like 'shoot I would be down to do that just to make the money'. Anyway, my answer to this was 'What do you want your life to look like? if you want to be in new york city, then be in new york city. If you want to feel secure knowing you have this check coming in and money being saved, then do that. If you want to move to, like, Atlanta, then move to Atlanta.' If she wants to make money right now, then she should absolutely do that. It's not for me to understand, it is only for her to do. Actively choose and do, based on what she wants for her life. Now, if the answer actually is that she wants to become a deep sea diver off the coast of some island but she's just too scared to pursue it.. well, that's a whole other thing. But if there's no fear, just an actual decision, then boom. There you go, do that.

I think this is one of the biggest blessings and curses of modern day living and freedom. We can literally choose anything that we want for our lives and then make it happen. Sure some choices come with a lot of hard work, a lot of money needed, a huge change, etc, but it's up to us. And there are so many choices, it can be overwhelming and much easier to stay where we're at, doing what we're doing, exactly as we are.

I'm rambling. I do this. I guess what I mean to say is: why are you doing the things you're doing? What do you want your life to look like? What would it look like if you took out a notebook and wrote out everything you want for your life, how you want it to look, where you want to be, heck even what sights and sounds and smells you want (or don't want) - what would it look like? And are you checking in with those ideas?

As for me, I've got a puppy friend here, and a blank notebook, and I believe it's high time to go sit by the water and check in with what I want, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. And then mayhaps enjoy an iced treat because holymoly it's hot.

Happy Sunday, friends.

ON when it rains

Yesterday was rough. It was the kind of day that prompted a desire to hide under my blanket, tucked away in bed. The kind of day where everything is delightful one minute, and chaos the next. A right hook, followed by an uppercut, and then, bang, square in the face. Ring the bell, this girl was knocked out.

I wonder about these days. Even as I'm experiencing them, I wonder 'where is the lesson?'. I watch myself, usually without being able to affect my own behavior or to stop my own words, in a nearly out of body experience, and I think about what I'm trying to be taught. I had pulled the blanket up and over my head, Layla tucked in next to me, tail wagging and thinking we were having a grand playtime, and was trying to figure out what the heck had happened in the past hour, when it dawned on me.

We are not supposed to know what's going to happen. We don't know. It is not for us to understand or to be made aware of earlier than the very second it happens. For those of us that yearn to control, this can cause a bit (a lot) of the fear of the unknown. But it isn't for us to know. We are not in control, we are not God.

And then, another thought: I am not God, but I have God. And there, under that blanket, I felt that familiar comfort of knowing we are never alone, and my heart started to feel lighter. As it lightened, I slowly began to surrender to all of the situations that had just occurred, and I slowly gained clarity.

Slowly.

It's all a series of choices. We choose how we feel, what we're dwelling on, how we're thinking. We choose to believe someone else over ourselves, or vice versa. We choose to lose an entire day to tears, or only an hour. We choose to reach out, or we wait with fingers crossed for the other person to reach out. We let it go, or we don't. We can make a choice to be on our own team, or against ourselves. We can ask our friends for advice, or we can listed to our guts and our hearts.

The beauty here is that once I remember it's all about choosing, my power comes right back to me. Being a victim is unbelievably unappealing to me. You know, the type of people who bemoan why something is happening to them, or the kinds that sing their sob story to the world. "I'll never get this, I'll never do that, it'll never work out". I know this kind of person well because I used to be it - and once in awhile I'll go back down that road. But then: choices. And all of a sudden it becomes questions of why is this happening to me turned into what lesson am I being taught, and how will I pick myself back up, and what do I want to do next.

If you'll excuse me, I have some choices to make.

photos by Daniel Silbert

ON #notestoself vol. 1

I don't know about you but I tend to wait.

I wait until I'm 'perfect', I wait until I'm ready, I wait until tomorrow.

I stall, procrastinate, analyze, worry, overthink.

Or, worst of all, I google. Edit photos. Text people back. Facebook.

I distract myself with anything and everything else but what I need to do.

Especially if it's something important for my career.

If I'm moving forward in the direction that I want to go.

When I see signs of success, I wait even more than normally.

And this is what I always come back to: the time is NOW.

Right now. Do it now. Send the scary email now. Say the words now.

Ask the hard question now. Date that person now. Push your boundaries now.

And every single time, I'm shocked by how much scarier it was in my mind

than it was in real life. And how quickly I get the answer I was hoping for.

The time is right now, friends.

Leave me a note in the comments about something you'll do today that you've been stalling on. xo

Keep up with all of my #notestoself over at @kerryingon

Unedited images by Phillip Spaeth // Bowtie dress via Francesca's Collection // Necklace: Satya

ON Jenni's Challenge (in 15 words!)

Did you take part in Jenni's challenge for the first of May? She wrote her life story in 250 words and set out a challenge for others to do the same. I could've written a ton, but truth is, this is my story. 15 words flat, but an epic novel at that.

And for the record? Beach baby from day one. Some things never change.

Send me your links! xo

ON Getting To Know You, Getting To Know All About You (OR; Hello!)

Recently, I've noticed a lot of brand new followers that have come my way due to the incredible giveaway (that you totally should enter before Friday) I'm a part of. To you newbies, I say hello! Hola! Holler! Yes, that's right, holler with an e and an r.

Figure it's only right to catch you up to speed since you're new round these parts. So here's some info about me I think you may want to know:

First and foremost, I have the world's cutest dogs. What's that? YOU have the world's cutest dog(s)?! Okay, it's totally a tie and SEND ME PICTURES! J/k about the tie, not j/k about the pictures. Please & thank you.

Henry Elliot Raleigh Alexander is my munchkin man, my little bear, my tiny baby, my HensElliot, my first born. To say I'm obsessed with him is an understatement. Hen came to me through a rescue group and was originally born in a puppy mill. Due to the mill, he is fearful, anxious and distrusting. But his momma is on the case and he's doing a whole lot better now than he was when we became mother and child back in 2010.

Ladybugs is my boo, my bug, my LaLa, my LaLaLopolis, my baby girl. She is my foster dog with Dogs Without Borders and we fell in love in Los Angeles this past January. She came back to NYC with me and we are looking forward to getting back to LA very soon.

Speaking of, I live in three different states. Try that on for size. I divide my time between NYC, LA, and the grand state of NJ. No, you may not mock it. Yes, we all may mock snooki. No, I have never watched Jersey Shore (swear). Yes, I can pack for a long trip in under a half hour. Yes, I love traveling.

I'm an actress by profession. There's a good chance that I've toured through your city or at least several that you've heard of. I do musical theatre, voice over, commercials and am planning to take over ABCFamily shows any day now. The day I'm on Pretty Little Liars is the day I pass out in excitement.

When I'm not acting, singing, writing music, or doing voiceovers.. I'm a social media strategist, blogger for an interior design brand, and I run my own doggy nannying service in NYC. So mostly I am running from one thing to the next, laughing about how ridiculous it is, and enjoying the chaos.

I'm obsessed with design. Interior, graphic, typography, clothing, textiles, you name it and I love it. I want to learn printmaking something wicked.

I'm on a mission to get every single shelter and abandoned dog into a loving and forever home. To this end, I post dogs non-stop on my Facebook feed, work with an extensive amount of rescue groups, educate friends (and strangers) on the importance of spaying, neutering, and adopting dogs as opposed to buying from a breeder or (god forbid) a puppy store. If you ever want to add a dog into your life, email me and I'll help you find your perfect rescue pup.

 

I'm vegan. Except when it comes to pancakes because I cannot resist the cake that pans. I have a problem.

I'm a meditator, practice the Paradox Process, and have seen my entire life change from these two things (and a strong conviction to change). I'm also a trained life coach and odds are, I want to life coach you or talk to you about meditation or the Process.

I have a firm life rule: always buy yourself flowers. Even if other people are! This is symbolic of knowing how to treat yourself kindly, put yourself un-selfishly first, appreciate the little things, and choose to do what makes you happy. Kind of hard to explain but try it.

If I wasn't an actress, I'd be an interior designer and yes, I would like to design your home and organize your closet, please.

I believe in living my very best life. Firmly. Not in an Oprah type of way, but in a Kerry type of way. I feel the only limits we have are the ones we create for ourselves and that we can overcome anything by identifying it and working like hell to change it.

I turn my cell phone off a lot. Like, a lot. At least twice a day but usually more at night. Or it's on silent.

I'm currently having a little love affair with the show Hart of Dixie, but my all time favorite is Gilmore Girls. Both are/were filmed on the same set which just makes it all even more spectacular.

I keep a tiara next to my bed and wear it when I'm cleaning, writing, or just need to remind myself of my own greatness. I highly suggest this along with the flowers.

Happy to have you here, feel free to email me or leave me a comment and I'll write you back :)