on NOISES, NYC AND LATE NIGHT BLOG POSTS

Let me paint you a little picture, internet. 

It's 1:11 in the morning. I'm just settling into bed after a full day of life and celebrating the birthday of my favorite man. I'm putzing around on facebook, reading some blogs, doing some work, when I hear a scratching type noise. And I freeze. Heart racing, I debate in my mind whether I should look or not look toward where the noise sounds like it's coming from. I decide to not look. My legs are so tense, my heart races even faster, as I try to determine if it sounds like something big and terrifying or tiny and terrifying and I start to debate about which is worse. I pick up my phone but, well, like I said, it's a bit past one in the morning. Who do I call? My mom is asleep for sure, and it would only upset her. That previously mentioned favorite man is totally birthday-ed out and fast asleep, a few blocks away. My roommate is asleep, and my other roommate, the one who would definitely be awake at this hour, is out of town.

The noise is back, louder now, even scarier, except now I'm wondering if it's just the people above me. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to place the sound, and am reminded of hearing tests we did each year in elementary school. Did you do that, too? Everyone to the nurses office, one at a time, for sight and sound tests? We had to identify which ear the beep was in, with a range of volume levels. While there's something nice about this memory, I'd happily discard it if it meant not being terrified.

And so mainly because I am now too afraid to A) go to sleep or B) get up and brush my teeth or C) determine if the noise is really coming from in my room, I have taken to my laptop to write.

Thus I present to you Reasons Why I Freaking Hate Living In New York City:

1. Omg all things that crawl. Just tonight, heading home, I walked past a critter that was nearly half the size of my Layla. Just casually chillin on the sidewalk, in a major part of Manhattan. I don't exactly live in the hood, or anything. (And when I say I "walked past", I mean I made a major beeline to my left, nearly taking out two grown men. Move, boys. Mama is not playing when it comes to furry things.)

2. I've been tracking the money I spend each day. I started my month in NJ and every day since then, I spent very little money. $4 here, $15 there. Very little. Today? In ONE day? $126 out the door. We're talking groceries and transportation (and yes, one meal out). Even if you can handle your rent and utilities, just living here takes all the rest of your money plus some you do not have. And then laughs at you.

3. The non-stop comments and harassment. In the short walk home tonight, I had multiple people say things to me, either loudly or under their breath as they pass. I know that I call myself mama but you sir, do not have that right. Nor mami, sexy, honey, cutie, sweet thing, short stuff, or whatever you want to toss my way. Or just the un-namable hissing noise. WHAT is that? You ran out of words? You think I'm maybe attracted to a weird hissing? News flash: ain't nobody attracted to that. While I can ignore the comments, the nasty words or mean sentences are just awful. You can be as tough as nails but you still hear what they say.

4. It's so damn loud. Even now, nearing the middle of the night, an incredibly loud truck just barreled down my street. The honking, shouting, construction, sirens, beeping, booming noises are not necessary and hurt your ears and your future hearing. When my babies are here, I cover their furry little ears while we're out and a really loud thing goes zooming by. When I'm alone, I cover my own. More than this, people have conversations with others or on the phone, so very loudly. I do not need to know those personal details, thanks anyway. Sometimes I want to respond to them.

5. Everything is excusable. You're acting like a jerk? It's okay, you're living in NYC. You're acting entitled? Okie doke, New Yorker. You're obsessed with your career to an unhealthy point? Well great, you're in the best city for it! You can't afford to pay rent but you go out every night? Look at you living your Manhattan life. No. Nuh uh. Living in NYC does not excuse you from being a responsible adult, living a healthy and full life, and treating others with kindness and respect.

And now, because complaining is so not my thing, here are 5 things I really love about living here:

1. Experiences you truly can't have anywhere else. Case in point? I passed New York Fashion Week so many times today that I lost count. I got to watch the runway live on a giant screen. That same screen where I caught Opera a few weeks ago.

2. Finding sacred spaces. That perfect bench in Central Park? The way my fountains make me feel? Running along Riverside? The inside of that museum? The library tucked in the back? A certain coffee shop? They all feel like they were waiting, just for you, and they let you know they'll always be there.

3. Friends everywhere and any time. After having lunch with someone, another person texted me to see where I was, and I realized I was only a couple of blocks from him, so I stopped there to catch up in person. On any given day, if I start to feel lonely, I can meet up with a friend for coffee or a walk or whatever. They are all just a mere train ride or short walk away (that is, until they leave the city for good, which is a constant. Or, you know, go back on tour.).

4. So much theatre. So much art. So many artists. The creating energy is at an all time high.

5. New York City is like someone who practices tough love. You think you can't stand having this person around any more. Can't they just be kind? Can't they just help you? But, eventually, you realize it's for your own good, and that you're getting stronger and smarter and braver and more alive than you knew you could be. It's the biggest relief to get away from this city until that familiar ache hits. Like a lover that you just can't quit, or a best friend that you sometimes hate, she's right there waiting for you, arms wide open, any time you want.

The jury is out on whether or not I'll live here much longer, or for the rest of my life. I don't claim to know the future. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hide in my bed, and if you think I'm getting up to brush my teeth, you would be incorrect. Pray for me.

p.s. I'll be back to my regular blogging soon. Just lots going on in the life department. But hey, one perk of hiding here forever is that I'll have my laptop! things are looking up ;)

on SERENITY

"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; 

serenity, that nothing is." - Thomas Szasz

sometimes, i think the best thing in the world is being caught unprepared for free time.

see, if i know i have free time between appointments, etc, then i bring

a book, a notebook, pens, a list of to-do/calls, maybe a project, plan where i'll go during that time, etc.

but when you're caught by surprise with some free time, waiting for friends in new york city,

sometimes your feet take you down a pretty street, to a welcoming bench, where you sit and watch.

and breathe. and think. and listen. and be. and just enjoy that time.

enjoy your time today, friends. xo

on JUST A LITTLE FURTHER

I secured his leash and off we went. Instead of directing him, I let him tell me where we would be walking that evening. On our usual route, but then - off to the left, down some stairs, and suddenly in a magical world. Piers, and music, and people salsa dancing. Joggers, and bikers, and couples strolling arm in arm. Sculptures and play areas and beautiful plants. And a damn good view with a stretch of water.

We walked for awhile when I realized that this was the same part of Manhattan that I used to jog, nearly daily. Except I was a few blocks north of where I would start my jog, and in habit, I would only ever jog south, then loop back up again. The same route every day, even though I hated the tourists, I hated the path. But I kept on doing it because it had become familiar to me, and I was at a point in my life where I needed familiarity, routine. I had been unhappy, but I didn't make any changes, out of fear.

Yet here was this magickal land, only a quick walk in the opposite direction. If I had just chosen to go north instead of south, even on one occasion, I would have found this place years ago. And if I hadn't let him guide me with his own nose and paws, I still wouldn't have known it. It made me think of the water bottle exercise from acting class. It made me think about how our lives can completely change if only we make the choice to switch directions, or to keep going, or to relinquish control - even if only for an hour. It made me think about how quickly we get comfortable in our routines and fear changing any part of them. It made me think about how we get scared and stop right before we stumble into something (or somewhere) so beautiful that we can't believe we nearly missed it.

What can you do today that you didn't do yesterday? Which way can you walk that you normally wouldn't go? What part of today can you hand over control to your higher power of choice? The biggest miracle, blessing, dream, goal, or incredible moment of your life could be right around the corner. 

on WHAT LOVE SOUNDS LIKE

For two weeks, there were pianos scattered throughout this city. Eighty-Eight, to be exact, the same number of keys on each piano. On the last day, they were all brought to Lincoln Center for a full day of music, art, dance, and, of course, piano playing.

At first, fascinated by the pianos, I chose a new favorite one every thirty seconds. But then, it became about the people. Oh do I love to people watch, oh my oh my oh my, I love it so. And those fountains - they are mine, my favorite place, and to sit and watch these fascinating people, oh I was in my glory. The woman in the purple outfit, sitting at the purple piano, was glorious. We chatted awhile, I took photos for her, she told me she was from Cuba, how beautiful I was, her whole being was animated. She eventually started to play, and then later, sing. Full voice, singing old songs, the kind of songs that you can tell she's known a very long time. I liked her best.

I grew up with a grand piano across the hall from my bedroom; our very own music room. My mom bought it before her first place, or her first car (and she wonders where I got the weird factor from..). I didn't realize that most people don't grow up with a piano.. until just about right now as I'm writing this sentence. Anyway, one of my favorite sounds in the world is the sound of a piano. So one of my favorite activities (people watching) mixed with one of my favorite sounds (pianos) at one of my favorite places in the entire world (Lincoln Center).. well, you can imagine I was elated. How could it get any better?

Let's throw in my favorite person, who was asked to perform at the event. He is the coolest in the world. (Just so we're clear, that last photo of a dude singing is NOT, I repeat not, favorite. He has never been pictured here, and we'll have to see if he earns a spot someday.) You know that part in "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" where the grinch's heart grows three times as big? My heart did that watching him that afternoon, and then even more so while seeing him interact with perfect strangers who came to give thanks and thoughts. Sometimes I don't like feeling things, vulnerability and I are off and on, and sometimes I still protect.. but darn it if he doesn't drag it out of me; first kicking and screaming, and now in a more easy and unable to be stopped type of way. Like looking at your own heart, outside of your body, but only after you forgot you had one.

And now, let us ignore the mush and go back to the pianos! 'twas wonderful. And you guys, also at LC that weekend? A CRAFT FAIR. A craft fair. I KNOW. I know what you're thinking and it's true: I DID visit heaven, and it was better than we all thought. The whole event was put together by Sing For Hope and you can visit their website riiiiight here. Share that art, you handsome fools.

on DON'T HATE THE SEA FROM THE SHORE

We met down at the Seaport. Saturdays are meant for adventures, after all. Nicole is my best adventuring partner, and a best friend among the very best of bests (that's a lot of bests in one sentence, but take my word on it that they're all necessary here). We have a thing, she and I, where the one challenges the other "honest, no bullshit, no covering, no excuses - the honest answer" and there it is.

We settled into Beekman for drinks, and somehow all the small children found us (note: why are there so many children at this outdoor bar? anyone?) and we eventually made our way out to dinner. Mostly everything is closed at the Seaport, after Sandy. It's all being rebuilt. Their current slogan is See/Change - a clever play on Seaport - and I can't help but think how appropriate this is for this gal and I. Our fourteen year old high school selves could surely never guess we'd be where we are now, and have been all the places we've been, and the changes, oh the changes.

But this is why we have girlfriends like Nic, right? To help steer our ships when we can't manage them alone, or when it's everythingeverything at once, or when it's nothing at all. Or when there is a Saturday to spend in the sunshine, with a drink in your hand, and laughter bursting out.

*title comes from this here little tune // thank you, a.

on A BLACK LAB TEACHES ME EVERYTHING IN CHURCH

image via

I slid into the pew about ten minutes after mass had started. I'm a late person. I just am. When I left the apartment almost at the time church started, I figured I'd be much later than just ten minutes, so actually I was delighted with myself.

There was a homeless person in the pew in front of me, laying down, asleep, so there was a massive amount of seating open in that area. An invisible bubble of nonsense protection from whatever it is that people think they'll get from homeless people. For the latecomer here, this was great news, because it meant that I got a seat.

When I sat, I saw it; the flash of a long black tail whip up and around underneath the pew. And then my ears heard a familiar jingle of collar tags knocking into each other. And then out slid one paw, followed by the other, and bang, she was licking my feet. A beautiful black lab hanging out under the pew while her family took in the service. My kind of people. Her mom apologized profusely, but I shook her off. The only thing I could possibly think of to make a relaxing Sunday morning at church better, would be if there were dogs in every pew.

Every time she let out a little whimper, or thumped her head by accident, or jangled, or did one of the many other things that pups do, various people turned their heads, trying to place what the noise was. Add to this, the various screaming children who are either very upset, or are praising god in a way that adults somehow forget after age six. Parents who are shushing and hushing and rocking and reasoning. And then add the many other shuffles and sounds that come with a large amount of humans - jittery, cell phone having, busybusybusynewyorkers - all gathered in one quiet place. And I noticed something: the heads turning, the comments made, the stares and eye rolls and judgements. One couple got me, in particular. They were the first to whip their heads around when the sweet dog made a noise, every time. Yet they maintained a conversation between the two of them the entire mass. And this got me thinking.

Why were they here? To fulfill an obligation? Or because they wanted to be? Were they just punching in and out each week in order to earn enough star stickers to win extra good karma? And then ever further: Why do we do the things we do? Why do I do the things I do? What's the impulse? Reasoning?

I was speaking with a friend last night who mentioned they were considering making a decision based on filling their savings account. Now, you don't have to tell me about money. I'm an artist, for pete's sake. There are many moments where I'm like 'shoot I would be down to do that just to make the money'. Anyway, my answer to this was 'What do you want your life to look like? if you want to be in new york city, then be in new york city. If you want to feel secure knowing you have this check coming in and money being saved, then do that. If you want to move to, like, Atlanta, then move to Atlanta.' If she wants to make money right now, then she should absolutely do that. It's not for me to understand, it is only for her to do. Actively choose and do, based on what she wants for her life. Now, if the answer actually is that she wants to become a deep sea diver off the coast of some island but she's just too scared to pursue it.. well, that's a whole other thing. But if there's no fear, just an actual decision, then boom. There you go, do that.

I think this is one of the biggest blessings and curses of modern day living and freedom. We can literally choose anything that we want for our lives and then make it happen. Sure some choices come with a lot of hard work, a lot of money needed, a huge change, etc, but it's up to us. And there are so many choices, it can be overwhelming and much easier to stay where we're at, doing what we're doing, exactly as we are.

I'm rambling. I do this. I guess what I mean to say is: why are you doing the things you're doing? What do you want your life to look like? What would it look like if you took out a notebook and wrote out everything you want for your life, how you want it to look, where you want to be, heck even what sights and sounds and smells you want (or don't want) - what would it look like? And are you checking in with those ideas?

As for me, I've got a puppy friend here, and a blank notebook, and I believe it's high time to go sit by the water and check in with what I want, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. And then mayhaps enjoy an iced treat because holymoly it's hot.

Happy Sunday, friends.

on TUESDAY LUNCH DATES

On Tuesday afternoon, we went to Barney Greengrass because that is where one goes for our little gatherings. I got a potato knish, as you do. With the world's smallest apple juice as a side dish.
That beautiful woman up there in the green sweater is a mama of (almost) one year old twins, can you believe that? I cannot. And the fiery redhead was in town filming a movie. And that handsome man fella, he's in a musical at the moment.

My friends are fan-cee. Fancy. I am blessed to be loved by the likes of them.

on SATURDAY IN THE CITY

On Saturday, I met up with Twin. We popped into Doughnut Plant for their deliciousness, then headed to Union Square for a great big adoption event.. and realized we were a day early. But there were still kittens to visit and squeal over. Twin loves kittens the way I love dogs.

We wandered around Chelsea and stumbled onto a street fair full of handmade goodies, baby clothing, and snacks. We drank water by the gallon, as it was the hottest of hots in our little city.

Later, I met up with a pal whom I've not seen in two years, and his incredibly handsome furchild. Murphy is the most well behaved dog I've ever met, and that's saying a lot. The friend, a former fling, regaled me with his wisdom, advice, and adventures. This little visit is about to get it's own post so hold tight.

Then I snaked my way across the park, and had a lovely epiphany on the walk home, before settling into a seat outside of Lincoln Center with a good book and an iced tea. It was the very most New Yorkish day.