Thursday, September 6, 2012

On Signs, Water Bottles, and Not Running

I was just thinking I should really do a blog post. A real one - not one of my saved up ones for busy weeks like this. And as I'm thinking this, I'm going through the 136 emails waiting for me (yes, seriously) and THIS thing of beauty came before my eyes, saying basically what I wanted to write to you but in such lovely words and in such a wonderful way that I just had to share it here:

"This Is For You, If You're Feeling Unsure Right Now" 
Just incase you're wavering right now. 
Just incase things feel wonky. 
Just incase you've been pushing + things haven't been working. 
Just incase if you've been wondering if it's a sign to give up, check out, go back... 
here's your sign: 
No it's not. 
This is the time to be gentle. 
This is the time to give yourself what you need. 
This is the time to build your faith. 
This is the time to keep taking step after step after step. 
This is the time to keep showing up, keep shining, keep believing, keep knowing, 
even when it's not easy. 
And eventually it's just gonna become your modicum, your standard of being. 
Don't get distracted. 
Have unwavering focus on your dream, on where you are going. 
Don't look back. Don't get distracted by the coyotes and the spiders. 
They are only there to teach you how not to be. 
Stay focussed. Stay clear. Stay bright. 
It's all gonna be okay, love bug. 
In fact, it's gonna be fuc*ing magnificent. 

Is that not.. well, perfectly perfect? It made me all swoon-y and delighted. How many times do we allow ourselves to stop, to quit? One of my favorite sayings is the one about how people don't realize just how incredibly close they are to getting what they want when they give up. Doesn't that just kill you?! Imagine your hand could literally be on the doorknob, turning it, and just as you're about to open the metaphorical door that leads you directly to your dream, you just stop. It's taking too long, it's a little harder than you thought it would be, all of your friends already got their door... and on and on and on.

In acting class last week, we did a little exercise where a water bottle was placed in the center of the room and one by one, we walked, with closed eyes, toward the bottle and attempted to bend down and pick it up. I was second to last and as I watched each person go, no one got it. Some came close but not one swooped down at the right place and picked the bottle up. Then it was my turn and as I walked, I let my energy lead me, I didn't try to analyze or use my mind. I bent down and a few seconds later opened my eyes: my hand was literally half an inch above the top of the bottle and if I had gone just a second longer, I would have gotten it. Everyone freaked out (we are actors, after all) and my teacher went on about how that was a perfect metaphor for people and their dreams and I couldn't help but think of how it is a perfect example of exactly what I have done so frequently in the past. I get right where I want to be, I somehow use my energy to guide me directly to what I want, and as I stand there with my hand reaching out, about to grab it, my eyes fly open and I stop. Usually followed by running in the other direction.

Why are we so afraid of our dreams? Why do we self sabotage? Why do we blame everything and everyone else for not getting what we want?

I don't know about you but I've done enough of that for one lifetime, thank you very much. Recently, I made a conscious effort to push forward, to keep going despite all of my mind's best attempts to get me to stop. I haven't been this exhausted since college, honestly. I haven't seen some of my dearest friends in weeks and months. I haven't been able to reply to texts, emails (ahem, explains the 136 of them), calls.. nothing. I am literally running (literally as in literally, not literally as in the way we all use it) to and from the subway and my apartment and everywhere else in my day. Running! In eighty degree heat through tourists on vacation! I feel slightly crazy but beyond that, I feel so incredibly amazing. So right. So happy.

(To be fair, I am keeping an eye on myself as I know I love to "be busy" as a coping method. That whole "look at me, I'm so important, I'm so busy" bullshit. You know what I mean, don't pretend you don't. But in this case, I'm actually just delightfully, blissfully, living my own life type of busy.)

And so what is the point of this here rant? I'm pushing myself so much further than I ever have and I'm taking care of my own dreams and my own needs and you want to know what?

I booked a fucking job.

My first one in two years (my ego would like to interrupt here to tell you that I also took a break for two years but I'm here to tell you it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't take a break). Two years! I'm really excited and nervous but mostly, and this is hysterical, I didn't even really have time to think about it until right now. And when I'm done writing this, I'm going to go back to my 136 emails and 20 item to-do list and probably forget again. And that, my friends, right there is the secret: the more you say yes, the more the Universe says yes. I love the irony that I'm so busy that I didn't even have time to really process that I booked a job. It just felt so normal to have my agents call and rattle off some information to me that I jotted down on hotel stationary and threw in my bag as I went off to my next thing. That is a damn good feeling.

And so this morning, after being at two events last night and getting into my bed only a few hours before I had to wake up, this morning I had the idea to skip going to an audition today. I was so tired and I thought, 'no you can't possibly push yourself even more and add one more thing in to this week, you've just booked something, relax, have an easy day'. And after that was done, I heard my truth gently urging me to go. So I did. And I have no idea how I fit it in but I did, I went.

I'm getting what I want. These dreams are shaping and unfolding and there is an abundance of goodness, Love, creativity, money and happiness in my life. And what I'm trying to say here, is that my hand is hovering above the water bottle and instead of letting my eyes open and stepping back, I am going to gently allow the hand to grasp it and trust that it will get there in due time. And what I'm trying to say even more, is that if you're standing there, at the door or above the water bottle, and you're thinking it's time to throw in the towel and that you were wrong about your dreams or that you don't deserve what you know in your heart is meant for you, then please scroll back up and re-read that poem. Or email me (I'll answer that one, I promise). Or get in your favorite t-shirt and journal about it. Or put on a damn tiara and dance like a fool in the middle of your living room.

Just incase if you've been wondering if it's a sign to give up, check out, go back... 
here's your sign: 
No it's not. 

And now, dear darlings, back to the grind. xo


  1. so proud of you...not just for booking the damn job but for giving hope to everyone else to keep on keeping on...

    1. success is sweeter when shared. success = this mind frame = must share it. xoxo

  2. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! Not only on the job being booked, but on how you are so fiercely chasing your dreams and stifling the inner self-sabotager. I don't mean to be a total weirdo, here, but after reading this post about how you get so close to a goal, open your eyes and then freak out and run away, I've decided that we are literally kindred spirits. I DO THE SAME THING, and currently I'm working on turning this around. And it's harder than hard.

    So, thank you for this post!! It's encouraging to hear success stories like yours :)

    1. Thank you so much!! You are not a total weirdo! haha truly, I loved this comment. And I swear I am emailing you back soon!!!