irreplaceable spark

if you're anything like me -

and when I say "me" I mean an actor, an artist, an entrepreneur, a motherfucking hustler, a self-employed human, or anyone who does not live in a world where paychecks come by the regular and anyone who has not eaten popcorn for dinner once or twice, laughing at the absurdity of it all -

if you are in fact anything like me then tax day is no fun at all. that was this morning for me. just the yuck of all yucks and while the knowledge that it could be massively worse is a comfort, it's the kind of comfort akin to a blanket thrown on a bleeding wound. not exactly going to fix the problem but makes it slightly easier to tolerate.

and I'm on my way back uptown today when that small voice offers some thoughts:

'this is ridiculous'
'enough is enough'
'am I doing everything I possibly can be to get what I want?'
'you should do more. try harder.'
'what are you doing this for anyway?'
'why are you choosing to live like this if you aren't going for it fully?'

(if you are anything like me then you know these voices. this time to qualify to be like me, you need only be breathing.)

so the whole team had showed up for the party: shame (present!), guilt (accounted for!), anger (here and ready to be mad!), frustration (yep), doubt (I think I'm here?), and all their other annoying cousins you definitely did not invite. except you did. sort of. so you need to be a good host and acknowledge them.

instead of falling into a great big pile of these ol' buddy ol' pals, I decided to say hello to them, acknowledge that they had arrived and quickly take my babies on a walk to our favorite place. and we had some good long chats on that walk, me and my babies and the sky and the shame team and God and my heart and all the friendly people who asked if they could say hi to the dogs. a good long chat. before long I was back to coaching and working and la-dee-da-ing and it was okay.

and then I saw this quote. and I thought fuck those shame thoughts, fuck those doubting fears and fuck taxes. taxes are those hopeless swamps. part of them anyway. and swamps are made for mucking through to come out on the other side, shake off like a wet dog, and get back to doing what matters.

so now. if you're anything like me and taxes have caught you in their swampy swampness (or another swamp like creature has caught you in this moment), please scroll back up and re-read this quote over and over until it has made itself a home in your heart.

what you are doing matters. what we are doing matters. keep listening to that steady voice that says you are on your path even if it looks nothing like the path next to you that's lined with roses and hundred-dollar bills. you don't know what actually comes with that path. you are on the right one. stay with it.

it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

on HEAR YE, HEAR YE, SHE RETURNS.

Oh hey internet. If it seems like I disappeared, that would be because I did. This whole running your own business thing.. was that my idea? Here's what I didn't factor in.. you ready? because this is a big time super amazing piece of advice: running a business centered around dogs and running a business centered around humans are very different.

More on this brilliance after an update on my life via instagram pics:

Tell me that's not some genius shit. No, but really, when I was running my own dog nannying business for the past 2.5 years, it was pretty easy. The dogs were perfect company, didn't mind if I had to take a phone call, were on a pretty solid routine, and were okay with sometimes not talking. People are very different. That being said, I'm pretty obsessed with coaching and am able to do it right alongside acting. Add in my other social media gig with, you know, life, and that should explain the disappearance. But today I realized that I really miss reading blogs and writing my blog so hopefully I'll be able to blog more frequently.

If you want to learn more about my coaching/consulting business, visit here.
The website is being redesigned soon so keep your eyes peeled for a re-launch!
If you're a blogger and want to be a part of a test run for a new part of coaching, write me.

Have a beautiful week, friends.

on FILLING UP

Sometimes I realize I'm running on empty. Oh, I'm sleeping plenty, and I remember to eat more than I used to, and my life is going great, but my soul is hungry. I've been putting others and other things before me, before my dreams, before my being. And try as I might, I just can't care and love and give the way I like to unless my heart and soul and being are full, overflowing, drenched in inspiration. I don't think or know if it's this way for everyone, but I am an artist, for better or worse, and it is this way for me.

I'll notice it in little signs. The way I stretch my feet while on the subway, subconsciously sliding one foot out of my sandal, letting it gently press through a flexed position and slide into pointed. And repeat. My hands start to itch to paint. My thoughts play through my mind like a really great book, or narration of a film. And a dull, low ache, begins to wrap itself around my core. Sing. Dance. Move. Run. Play. Color. Try. Make. Trust. Write. Stretch. This little soundtrack composed by my inner most needs.

So I start to fill up. I watch things like this, and I think about the last time my bare feet touched the floor of a studio. And I marvel in the gifts that others have, and the wonders of what our bodies can do, and the ability to tell a story without speaking:

And I re-watch things like this, and I remember what it feels like to be so fully committed, and on fire with passion, and fearless and terrified all at the same time:

And I re-watch a season of this, to remember why I'm an actor, because ohmygod have you seen the genius that are these actors? The way their ability to do nothing is just everything? The way I become fixated that I must be on this show, I must be on this show. Or at least on the set, just watching, absorbing:

And I turn to words and poems and stories that crawl into the space of my soul that needs it the most:

And I think about how in the past, those words above would have surely sent me into a memory about broken hearts from boys, but seeing those words now, as I am in this very moment, I am aware of how very much it has nothing to do with boys. Quite frankly my heart is very happy in that area, thankyouverymuch. And this delights me. So instead of seeing that, this quote took the shape of me doing, trying, and going toward anything except what I want. For all the human reasons that we humans do that sort of thing. And in a way, that's almost worse than the kind of pain from a broken heart from other people. Breaking your own heart is worse. Except I think something is cracking, and it's either my sanity or my heart. And I think maybe instead of breaking, it's opening. Letting the light back in, or the fire back out, or both at once. And I wonder if I'll let it open all the way, or if I'll get to try again another time. Because eventually it will open to my truth.

And I fill up.

on HEARING AND SEEING

I can and I will.

I heard it clear as a whistle, my body sunk into my bed, laptop in front of me, freshly used notebook to my right, piled on top of three larger notebooks, my organizational system of life.

I can and I will.
__

We'd had this conversation before.

"You love to look busy", she said, "it's a great distraction. You're doing so much and yet, you're doing nothing."

"Yeah. I know. So what, then? What do I do? What am I not doing? What am I missing?"
__

I remember the first time I heard one of these phrases. Truths that are placed gently into my mind, incredibly soft and loud at the same time. Little lightening bolts of honesty. Maybe it had happened before, but June 29, 2010, sitting in that airport, was the first time I can remember. Like a rush, woosh, a steady voice, words I didn't know I needed. A gift.

These eight words are still only for me, kept tucked into my soul, running through my mind, motivating and reminding me. Maybe it was the first time I was hearing myself. Maybe, there in the noisy space of an airport, with the culmination of those eighteen months, and the fear of the unknown boiling within, maybe it was the first time my own voice could get through, or maybe it was the first time I was able to hear my guiding source. Maybe they are the same thing. It's hard to be sure. Hearing with your gut, your heart, is so very different than hearing with ears.

I grabbed my journal and wrote the phrase, tucked into the corner of one of the pages, before I could forget, saving it for when I would need to find it again.
__

He was up on his feet now. A sure sign that something important was coming, the kind of words that require his entire body's support underneath them.

"I know what you say you want. But I also see what you're doing. And they don't match up."

Fiery, I am. Passionate, I am. Up on my feet now, too. Was he challenging my dreams? Me? Our conversation continued until it had to be paused and I got to walk my thoughts home with me, watch as they shifted and settled. I reviewed the conversation in my head, let my ego have it's turn to speak before putting it down for the night, and let his words settle into my soul.

I entertained the idea that he didn't believe in me. Ridiculous and dismissed. Something more. I waited until it hit me. This isn't what performers do. I'm not performing. I'm researching, I'm taking meetings, I'm submitting, I'm emailing, I'm at the agency several times a week, I'm auditioning like a motherfucking fiend but in a beautifully safe way, comforted by the walls of the recording booth, or the fun environment of commercials. I'm killing it at "the business" but the "show" part seems to have gone missing. Set aside, waiting until the day I am.. perfectreadybettermore. Enough.
__

I can and I will. I heard it again. The second time through it sounded like the start to a favorite song, the kind that stays with you years later, the one that always gets you up dancing. A more familiar melody.
__

Within minutes, everything started to shift. Within less than a day, I spent hours in a casting session observing auditions, being a reader for those auditioning, wrote a new song, got a new script sent to me, made a list of fifteen ideas for kickstarting my creating, was given an industry magazine, warmed up my voice and sang for no other reason than the fact that I can sing, that I have a mouth and a tongue and teeth and vocal chords that somehow all work and create a sound that is unique and made just for me to have. And now, I am writing.

And just like that, a puzzle that I've been carrying around, something I could not unlock for the life of me, snapped back into place. This beautiful gift from a perfect mirror, in the form of a brave person, pacing around his living room, reflecting back to me what I cannot yet see by myself. We'll see what happens, if I keep moving toward it. There are no declarations, just really glorious lessons.

And tiny, huge truths.

And big, little moments.

And I can and I will.

on MINE MINE MINE MINE (or; hello summer)

When I woke up, groggy, way past when I wanted to be up, she suggested that I go to the beach. I snapped at her, "I have to work, I'm so behind, there's a million things to do, so many emails to send, I can't just go to the beach."

Then it dawned on me: yes I can. Before I could change my mind, a swimsuit was pulled on, sunscreen slathered, hair up in a bun, sunglasses found, keys in my hand, and off.

The day before had been insane. An early trip to the city for an audition, an unexpected message from a friend on her way to save a dog on death row at the city shelter, facebook to text and back to facebook, strangers helping me help her. Barging into his apartment to borrow his computer when my phone gave out, kissing his face before driving back to NJ, with the knowledge that the pup was safe. She had saved him. Upon arrival home, an unknown car parked in my driveway caused quite a scare, until it was discovered it was just my aunt and some of my favorite kids in the world. Distractions, conversations, teaching runway walking techniques on the backyard deck, these things are important. Food was finally shoveled into my mouth, two sweet baby pups at my feet, ready for crumbs. And then.. I saw it. An email. An audition. In 73 minutes, back in the city, and I was at least an hour away. Back into my car and off I went, my second trip into the city (where I freaking technically live, mind you) on the same time, after such an emotional morning and afternoon, and I.. well, I was spent.

I feel like I am missing my summer. Do you know that feeling? Like you're missing your own life, in favor of promises and errands and emails and lists. This is not how I live. This is not what I believe living to be. And if living like this means missing my summer, then to hell with it. I was in NJ for the very purpose of getting to the beach, of being with my babies, of languishing on the couch, and riding my bike. But I hadn't been to the shore, and my bike sat in the garage, and my pups slammed their paws on my laptop as I shooed them away for just-five-more-minutes-mommy-loves-you.

So I went to the beach. And I said hello to the ocean, and I finally saw the beach house after Sandy made her way through it last fall, and I made peace with the fact that my uncle would not be coming around the corner any second as he headed into the garage, telling me there were cold drinks in the fridge. Even if he was still alive, the garage was taped up, waiting for construction. I had to go see things as they are, all with the power of remembering that our life is what we choose it to be. I really like my life right now. I love working so hard, I love the people in it, I love my apartment, and I feel overwhelmingly blessed. But if I can't go to the beach, I don't want it. That might just be my new life philosophy.

Hello Summer, I've missed you. Let's go to the beach.

on OH HEY INTERNET

Internet. Blog. Blog friends. Actual friends.
Hello.

It has been a minute, no? I haven't posted on this here little blog in what feels like forever, which is serious proof that my life is in crazy mode. So obvs we need a catch up, right? Right. Here's what I've been up to in the past two weeks. First, some photos:

My sweet babies.

Layla is either causing trouble or being unbelievably sweet and cuddly. Nothing in between.

I met Heather! Love this girl. Check out her blog here.

Broadway Barks! The little Chi above, Dotty, is avail through Bidawee. Another pup fancied her to be his tail rest.

Best pizza I've ever had in NYC so far. The company sure didn't hurt either ;)

My little cousin moved to NYC! Now we can have impromptu lunch dates!

This is my favorite place ever.

 So now that you've been caught up in photos, here's what else I've been up to:

Auditions. Just streams of them. Commercials, voiceovers, musicals, magazines.. meetings and setting up meetings and helping others set up meetings. At my agency, at studios, in recording booths. Uptown, downtown, midtown. Even via my iphone recording app and good ol' fashioned email. I feel lucky and grateful and excited and terrified.

Coaching. That's right, I'm officially coaching. After getting trained as a life coach a couple of years ago, and then laughing about that, plus years of intense work on this here life/human, plus x amount of years in the industry plus an obsession with the business side of the business and the realization that all I do is coach every one anyway, especially with biz stuff, and a few brave moves later... annnnd coaching. Life and business coaching for actors/artists and people who want to be actors/artists. I'm kind of obsessed. There will be more on this later. (Also, want to coach with me? Great, send me an email. Not an actor but want to coach anyway? Cool, I got you, email me.)

Life. More like driving back and forth between NJ and NYC. A lot. Summer means a lot of time in NJ and I thought this summer would be like summers past where I have nothing going on in acting land or social life land and could kick it on my couch with my babies and my family and friends and go to the beach. Incorrect! Ha! said the Universe. Ha! said God. You think you run the show? Nah, hop in your car, we've got plans for you. And all I can do is surrender to it and be excited.

Doggies. Mine (eeeeee I love them so much they are my babies hkjsnfkansfal). Other people's whom I watch. Shelter pups who I am working to save on the daily. Like every night until 2 or 3 am with the Urgent group. If you are looking to help save some dogs, please join Urgent (or a group like that near you) and post the dogs on your page. They have about 12 hours between being listed and being killed. The more who post them, the more get saved. More on this soon, too.

Lessons. As in, the ones that are repeatedly given to me to learn and learn and learn until I get it straight and then more lessons. Cause this is how we grow.

Work. I counted yesterday and I now have 6 jobs. 6! What am I, nuts? All freelance, and all remotely, and all things that I seriously love. Which is good because, seriously, 6?

And that is that! You are caught up, internet style. Happy Tuesday, beautiful people.

on THAT WALK HOME WHERE IT ALL MADE SENSE

A couple weekends ago (edit: uh, like, a month now? maybe?), I met up with a friend for an early dinner. I hadn't seen him in a couple of years, but we'd kept up through texts, and facebook, as you do. We've probably hung out less than ten times in the years we've known each other, but all of them have significantly affected me. On this day, our chat shook me out of a state I had unknowingly fallen into.

We were talking about how he'd ended up in his (first) dream career as a professional athlete, by somewhat stumbling into a field that most people train for their entire lives. And then how he'd gotten into the next (dream) career, this one taking a good amount of schooling and a move across the country, putting him on the very subway car that we met on. I listened to him talk so casually about these amazing things he's achieved, and his can-do attitude, before bursting out with laughter, asking how was it that we'd ever dated, since we were clearly so different. His classic smile appeared on his face, and without missing a beat, he reminded me that I'm just like him. That the very traits I admire within him, are also within me. That we're both 'those kind of people' who push limits and do things that normal people don't always take the risk of doing.

Oh. Right. I had forgotten.

We wrapped up dinner and as I started toward home, I decided to walk through Central Park. I didn't really know this side of the park and started to get nervous that I'd end up lost or turned around. But something louder told me to just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other. So I did. A cycle began; I'd be moving forward for awhile, then I'd start to get nervous, remind myself that I was safe and it was fine and to just keep going, and on and on.

I don't know about you, but this is how I move toward what I want in life. I'm on the path to it, but then I get scared, nervous, worried that I can't trust myself, thinking I should look to others, everything starts to blur.. and then, I remember. I am on the right path, exactly where I should be, heading toward the place I want to be. I am safe, I am loved, I am taken care of and I can listen to myself for guidance. The more I let my feet (actions) lead me, the less my fear (mind) can take over.

In return, I got these beautiful gifts from the world. Stunning views with light catching just so on the buildings, as the sun slowly made it's way to bed. A fountain that I'd never seen, but always wanted to. Gorgeous ceiling tiles and architecture to take in. And when I finally made it across and out of the park, the most beautiful sunset was waiting for me.

You are safe, you are loved, you are on your path, you are where you're meant to be. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

ON #notestoself vol. 1

I don't know about you but I tend to wait.

I wait until I'm 'perfect', I wait until I'm ready, I wait until tomorrow.

I stall, procrastinate, analyze, worry, overthink.

Or, worst of all, I google. Edit photos. Text people back. Facebook.

I distract myself with anything and everything else but what I need to do.

Especially if it's something important for my career.

If I'm moving forward in the direction that I want to go.

When I see signs of success, I wait even more than normally.

And this is what I always come back to: the time is NOW.

Right now. Do it now. Send the scary email now. Say the words now.

Ask the hard question now. Date that person now. Push your boundaries now.

And every single time, I'm shocked by how much scarier it was in my mind

than it was in real life. And how quickly I get the answer I was hoping for.

The time is right now, friends.

Leave me a note in the comments about something you'll do today that you've been stalling on. xo

Keep up with all of my #notestoself over at @kerryingon

Unedited images by Phillip Spaeth // Bowtie dress via Francesca's Collection // Necklace: Satya

ON Meeting Lauren Graham (OR; OMG LORELAI!)

You guys. Internet. Friends. Strangers. There are some very crystal clear facts about me that I'd say nearly 99% of people who encounter me come to learn right away. 1. I love Dogs. Mine in particular, but all dogs really, and usually more than people. 2. I'm a design freak. I may ask to re-organize your closet before I know your last name. 3. I love Gilmore Girls, and Lauren Graham specifically.

So you can imagine what happened when my sister announced that we were off to her book signing. Oh, I'm sorry, what? And will God Himself be there, too?! Gilmore Girls holds a special place in my heart for getting me through my first year living in NYC (totally alone). I would come home, put on a DVD and let it run while I made dinner, did work, whatever. It felt like the whole cast lived with me. Last year, I met Alexis Bledel at the first preview of her play in the city. I was there as a guest of the theatre so I couldn't freak out or really say much more to her than "Do you want a beer?". Yes, that is what I said to Alexis Bledel. I can hear gentlemen everywhere saying "But that's what I was gonna say!" Too late boys, been done.

Lauren (or as my mom is now calling her, "Lo Lo", bffs obvs) said a lot of things that registered with me that night. She talked about being a storyteller, how acting and writing are so similar yet so different, what made her leave NYC for LA.. and on and on. But she said one thing that I felt I had to write down to remember: "You just have to do something and then you can fix it later."

Or, in other words, just start doing whatever it is you're thinking about. You can always go back later and fine tune it or start again or whatever. But waiting until it's a perfect idea, or you're a perfect person sure as heck means you will definitely never do it.

Oh, Lauren. You wise woman, you. Jokes aside, I really do feel a kinship with her, and I can't wait until we work together and I can bring this picture to her (after we have formed our close bond) and we can laugh about it. Yes, I've already got that planned.

Have you ever met one of your inspirations? Who was it? What happened? Do tell. xo

P.S. Make sure you enter the Dollars for Doggies giveaway and the Viesso Sake Bomb giveaway (ends tomorrow)!

ON April 25th

I could not resist! Also, is this not one of thee best lazy Sunday catch-it-on-tv movies of all time? Right up there with Legally Blonde and How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Though, of course not of the calibar of such classics as You've Got Mail or Sleepless In Seattle. When those movies are found on the perfect movie watching Sunday, well, my reaction is strong, friends. Strong.

I hope you have a wonderful day! I'm off to multiple auditions, where I shall attempt to sing like characters that don't exist yet (wrap your head around that one) and somehow wear business clothes when I do not own any. I love this business! It's so exciting to have such strange and amazing days. Get out there and April 25th it up! xo

ON A Day In The Life

My days are always different. There are a few constants: meditating, dogs, walking, writing, social media, the subway, and being creative. Those are pretty standard. Otherwise? Anything's game. Just the way I like it! Here's a look at how today went down:

8:36 am: Alarm goes off. Not even close to the time I actually got up. After I finally wake, I meditate for 20 minutes. First thing in the morning, and non-negotiable. Lady and I revel in the glory of a new day by playing and snuggling for a few minutes then she heads back under the covers (literally) and I get to showering, dressing, and breakfast-ing. I do a bit of work for my first job.

11 am: Down to the West Village. Why don't I come here more? It's so cute and welcoming and doesn't feel at all like Manhattan and.. oh, now I'm lost and recall why I don't come here more often. I race to make my first audition today on time.

11:30 am: First audition. It's on-camera and I don't think the racing here did me any favors but when I mention it they laugh and assure me the camera is unable to show sweat. They're honestly the nicest casting team I've ever auditioned for. I want the job. Fifteen minutes later, I leave, get lost again, and head back uptown.

12 pm: Lady and I adventure to Central Park. It's so beautiful with the trees and flowers in full bloom. Everyone is so happy, alert, faces tilted up toward the sun. We walk for a long time and make friends with a woman and her two large dogs. She had her first when the second needed a home immediately and she took him in. That was that. The boys are so clearly brothers and I find myself learning more life lessons from dogs.

1-2 pm: Catching up on work, emails, posting.

2 pm: We take a lunch break. I re-create my favorite meal from Portland, (veggie) hot dogs with hummus and avocado. Don't knock it till you try it, it's unreal. Lady and I watch Hart of Dixie for approx 7 minutes.

2:30 pm: Back on the train, downtown again but the east side this time. I get to my agents and wait a few minutes before recording an audition, and chat with one of the assistants before heading back out. I meet a girlfriend a block away to lend her my ipad and have all of three minutes to spare before walking uptown again.

3:30 pm: Stop into Starbucks for my secret weapon: tall 2 pump soy chai. I go over my notes for my meeting and chug that sugar-water like it's my job. Since I've been meditating, I need way less caffeine but still can't fully quit the 'bucks. The atmosphere just gets me.

4 pm: Arrive at the HomePolish office and have a great meeting with my boss. I get so excited talking about interior design that I have to remind myself this is a business meeting. He gets just as excited so it's cool.

5:30 pm: Off the train and back out the door with Ladybugs. We visit Lincoln Center and make friends with a tiger striped pup, this gorgeous Pit/Boxer mix, and as we walk away it makes me laugh how dog owners always exchange their pups names and info but never their own.

6 pm: Second Meditation of the day. This practice has changed my life in a way I can't really explain. My best attempt is to say that aside from being able to handle whatever is thrown at me with grace, and feeling calmer, there's this rising up that happens. Like I just keep growing, gaining strength, wisdom, and patience. I'm not great at explaining it but Emily is, so watch her videos.

6:40 pm: I pick up my newest doggie client and we go for our first walk. Sweet Caesar is a gorgeous boy, and full of wriggling around, so the clearest photo I could get is posted here.

7:20 pm: I chat with my mom while walking home and get back to working. Dinner is made sometime around 9 and at present moment, it's 10:30 and I've still got a handful of blog posts to write (for my job, not here) and a schedule to set for tomorrow. It's supposed to be my easy day and so far it's looking slightly insane.

I wrote someone a reply last night to the question of what jobs am I working on right now. Sometimes I forget how insane it is that I'm an auditioning and working actor, plus working for two interior design companies (on opposite coasts), plus running my own dog nannying business, plus running my own blog and website and social media, maintaining a social life, caring for Lady, and doing regular life stuff like cleaning and cooking. When I looked at it all written out last night, I laughed.

Awhile ago, I had a lot of free time. So much. It was overwhelming. But this calm, quiet voice told me to appreciate it while I had it because I would never have it again. And so the times when I felt like I was going to lose my mind or felt painfully lonely, I would trust that voice and relax into it. And now, being on the other side, in the mayhem that my gut promised me, I can't tell you how happy I am that I did and how happy I am that I had that time. Okay, friends, time to get back to work and get some sleep. How are your days looking lately? Do you have a schedule? Tell me about it in the comments! xo