irreplaceable spark

if you're anything like me -

and when I say "me" I mean an actor, an artist, an entrepreneur, a motherfucking hustler, a self-employed human, or anyone who does not live in a world where paychecks come by the regular and anyone who has not eaten popcorn for dinner once or twice, laughing at the absurdity of it all -

if you are in fact anything like me then tax day is no fun at all. that was this morning for me. just the yuck of all yucks and while the knowledge that it could be massively worse is a comfort, it's the kind of comfort akin to a blanket thrown on a bleeding wound. not exactly going to fix the problem but makes it slightly easier to tolerate.

and I'm on my way back uptown today when that small voice offers some thoughts:

'this is ridiculous'
'enough is enough'
'am I doing everything I possibly can be to get what I want?'
'you should do more. try harder.'
'what are you doing this for anyway?'
'why are you choosing to live like this if you aren't going for it fully?'

(if you are anything like me then you know these voices. this time to qualify to be like me, you need only be breathing.)

so the whole team had showed up for the party: shame (present!), guilt (accounted for!), anger (here and ready to be mad!), frustration (yep), doubt (I think I'm here?), and all their other annoying cousins you definitely did not invite. except you did. sort of. so you need to be a good host and acknowledge them.

instead of falling into a great big pile of these ol' buddy ol' pals, I decided to say hello to them, acknowledge that they had arrived and quickly take my babies on a walk to our favorite place. and we had some good long chats on that walk, me and my babies and the sky and the shame team and God and my heart and all the friendly people who asked if they could say hi to the dogs. a good long chat. before long I was back to coaching and working and la-dee-da-ing and it was okay.

and then I saw this quote. and I thought fuck those shame thoughts, fuck those doubting fears and fuck taxes. taxes are those hopeless swamps. part of them anyway. and swamps are made for mucking through to come out on the other side, shake off like a wet dog, and get back to doing what matters.

so now. if you're anything like me and taxes have caught you in their swampy swampness (or another swamp like creature has caught you in this moment), please scroll back up and re-read this quote over and over until it has made itself a home in your heart.

what you are doing matters. what we are doing matters. keep listening to that steady voice that says you are on your path even if it looks nothing like the path next to you that's lined with roses and hundred-dollar bills. you don't know what actually comes with that path. you are on the right one. stay with it.

it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

on SERENITY

"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; 

serenity, that nothing is." - Thomas Szasz

sometimes, i think the best thing in the world is being caught unprepared for free time.

see, if i know i have free time between appointments, etc, then i bring

a book, a notebook, pens, a list of to-do/calls, maybe a project, plan where i'll go during that time, etc.

but when you're caught by surprise with some free time, waiting for friends in new york city,

sometimes your feet take you down a pretty street, to a welcoming bench, where you sit and watch.

and breathe. and think. and listen. and be. and just enjoy that time.

enjoy your time today, friends. xo

on SOCRATES, I LOVE YOU

For so long I would harp on the past. On what had to be "fixed" from years, days, hours gone by, so that I could move forward. It wasn't enough to let it settle, or forget about it. I had to analyze, understand, and talk it out until I (and anyone else involved) was blue in the face.

And now, I seem to be nearly completely without concern for the past. So when I saw this quote today, it caught my eye. I re-read it a few times, in my head, and then aloud. While I do my best to not harp on incidents from the past, nor identify people with any particular traits/ways they've treated me in the past (i.e. if I've changed so much, he/she could have changed just as much), I do still obsessively want to "fix" the parts of myself that I would like to be "better". I spend an awful lot of time trying to break down old belief systems that do not serve me anymore, and keep a watchful eye as to when they show up (i.e. "I'm not good enough"). This is good because it means I've identified harmful beliefs and am getting them out one by one. But could I stand to put more energy into creating my life right now, in this very second, and working toward goals? Yep.

What if, and stay with me here, but what if, in creating what I want for my present, those old belief systems just went poof. Poof! What if that's the kicker to get rid of them? What if focusing so much on wanting to stop them, is part of what's keeping them around? What if we don't need to wrestle with the ghosts of who we used to be, and can, instead, just love the living being we are right now?

That Socrates, I tell you what. Guy knew his shit.

on A COLORFUL WORLD

color outside of the lines, friends. be bold!

have a good weekend :) xo

ON April 25th

I could not resist! Also, is this not one of thee best lazy Sunday catch-it-on-tv movies of all time? Right up there with Legally Blonde and How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Though, of course not of the calibar of such classics as You've Got Mail or Sleepless In Seattle. When those movies are found on the perfect movie watching Sunday, well, my reaction is strong, friends. Strong.

I hope you have a wonderful day! I'm off to multiple auditions, where I shall attempt to sing like characters that don't exist yet (wrap your head around that one) and somehow wear business clothes when I do not own any. I love this business! It's so exciting to have such strange and amazing days. Get out there and April 25th it up! xo

ON a little print for you

Hello lovelies! I wanted to make myself a little printable but halfway through, I realized it was for you, too. I'm so inspired by text, fonts, words, sayings, quotes, the way words are strung together in specific combinations and how just one word being different can change everything. Mm, delicious! Words are a huge reason I'm an actor. I love telling stories.

I don't exactly have any idea what I'm doing when it comes to making things like this.. but I don't particularly see that as a reason to not try. This seems to be my modus operandi lately: think of something I want to do, teach myself how to do it, check it off the list, next item. I'm fascinated by design and fancy this my next thing to tackle. So here we are, the result of finding a quote I liked, seeing it in my mind as a print, and then creating it. Bam! So tell me: what can you try today that you want to do, but don't "know how to do"? Leave it in the comments, please&thankyou.

Email me if you want me to send you this image! xo

EDIT: My perfectionist mother has informed me that in my excitement over creating this, I added in an incorrect apostrophe in my first version. The grammatically correct print is now up :)

On Truer Words Were Never Spoken

This quote came into my world a week or two ago via le paintyhands.

(do you know paintyhands? she reminds me of me when i'm brave, & inspires me when i am not so brave.)

And I read it. And my brain went squish, thump, pound, bang, boom. And my heart went burst.

Because there it was. Right there in front of me. The very thing I didn't know I had been looking for!

See, I have this sneaky little belief system. It tells me I have to pick between career and relationship.

My art and my Love. It tells me that I can't have both.

This is trouble for so many reasons. See, I'm not me without my art, without performing, creating.

But, if I had to pick between that and Love and being Loved and Loving.. well, no contest.

I think Loving someone means choosing them every single day, even when you're annoyed or frustrated or think they will literally never learn or all those other fun things. You make a choice to choose them. But I think one must choose herself every day, too. We all have committed relationships with ourselves, you know.

So in short, if I pick me every day then that means picking me as who I truly am: an artist, a performer. So then I am picking my career every day. And then my belief system pops up and says "okie doke, you can only have one! guess you picked career! see ya love, see ya relationship, see ya etc."

and I'm all "no! wait! i'll pick the other." So I pick relationship and bid art adieu and then I'm not fully myself. And if I'm not honoring myself I can't pick me and well, needless to say, no one else will either. Because when someone Loves you, darn it if they don't Love you for who you truly are.

If you are still reading this and made it through that explanation, I applaud you.

But then, I read this quote, these words.

BOTH MUSE AND MAKER.

Both! Side by side with another artist. Both of you creating while inspiring each other.

And thus the mega mind blowing occurred because I have never thought of this before.

All these endless years of that pesky belief system kicking in, never once did I realize I can have both.

I don't have to downplay my artistry to balance out being with another artist

(and lord help me, we all know i'm only ever with other artists. every darn kind, i've tried)

just like they don't have to downplay theirs. And I don't have to feel weird about being a muse.

Actually, I think it's cool. Plus, I've had many a muse myself. Hello, I write songs for goodness sake!

So in short, my eyes stumbling upon this little quote basically changed my life.

And you know what is so delicious about belief systems? The most wonderful part?

Once you identify one of them, once you call it out, you get to start changing it.

And I super can't wait for the day where I get to laugh over how I used to think I had to pick.

Both muse and maker! BOTH muse AND maker. Oh, this is gonna be good, friends.

On Important Words For You

there is a good chance i've posted this one here before but it's worth repeating.

and with that, i am back to unpacking/working on audition material/reading a script/eating/cleaning.

there are some real blog posts coming your way soon. i've been up to many a DIY over here :)

and yes, i will be wearing a tiara whilst doing these things. xo

On Five for Friday {three}

This edition of Five For Friday is a little something called: my life is in shambles, let's write about it! Ready? Super, let's go.

Five Facts:
1. Little timeline for you: Tuesday I went back into the city, Wednesday was a super fun day, Thursday night I decide it seems like a fine time to start packing for my move on Saturday morning. A few hours into my delightfully fun packing adventure and BAM. Hit with the sicks. The "oh-my-gosh-what-is-happening-am-I-dying" kind. Like a truck had done gone ahead and run me over. Couldn't move, couldn't swallow, couldn't speak, and the worst is I kept waking up all night. You guys. Yikes.

2. Which brings me to: I think I have the coolest doctor in the world. Not only did she stay past her normal hours so she could see me, but her office is lined with Broadway posters, only plays alternative rock, and has a rescue dog in the office that just roams around. Everyone that works there is amazing.

3. I had a last minute audition on Wednesday where I had to sing Auld Lang Syne. Did you know that it is mostly in another language? Because I did not. Good news is that I had such a fun time in the audition, shooting the shit, and being silly, and was just myself - which I tell you is the only key to this business - and then totally forgot about it until the next day when I had missed two emails and a phone call from the casting director checking to see if I was available for the shoot. Cross your fingers and toes, friends.

4. I don't really have that much stuff. Honest. I've purged and relocated things and downsized. And yet, somehow.. I have.. so much stuff. I honestly can't believe how many books I have. And the tricky thing about books is that they're heavy. Did you all know that? Books are heavy. This is why you read my blog, right? For life changing information like this. I know, I know.

5. One of my all time favorite quotes in the world is "There are these people, who, like, know you in this way, that other people can't. Because they've seen you change. They've let you change." If you google that you will find that it's from My So-Called Life, which, as we know, is a mastery of art and human emotions. But this week really exemplified that for me. The people who just roll through the endless tides of change that is me. And the way they just love me no matter what. It's mind boggling. I think a big facet of that is allowing myself to see the ways they're loving me, you know what I mean? Instead of having some conceptual idea of what love should be/look/sound/feel like, paying attention to all the tiny little things that are exactly someone loving you.

Five Faves:
1. This Holiday playlist. Download it (for free) and Be Merry.

2. I'm having a moment with this color. (I have an ongoing moment with this store. We had quite a few moments today, come to think of it.)

3. This bag. Now must just sit patiently and wait for a sale.

4. iGive. Because if you haven't noticed from my last two faves, 'tis the season where people shop, yo.

5. One of my all time favorite blogs. I love the way Bridget takes these teeny tiny simple things and strings them together to create these beautiful truths. Plus, her dogs are adorable and she loves books. Swoon.

P.S. I would like to note that it is again Sunday when I'm posting this. So maybe it's like Five for your next Friday. Or Five for your day when you have a lot of time off and can click/read everything. So basically, I'm doing this delay in posting for you.

On Giving

As the holiday season nears, I often hear people talk about wanting to do something for their community. Love this kind of talk, right? But I also hear chatter of not knowing where to start.

Thus, I present to you, a darn good helpful little ditty from Real Simple (real simple addict over here..).

This list has pulled all of their charity related posts, featuring helpful sites like Volunteer Match

and lots of tips for when and how to give. Delightful, no? Yes.

If you're anything like me, you're like wait wait how can I help the arts and/or animals?!

(You guys, I did say if you're anything like me..)

How wonderful of you to ask! Petfinder can help you find shelters near you that need donations of money or supplies, or volunteers to help with the animals. AND, get ready here because I'm about to blow your mind.. but, if you can believe it, volunteering is FREE! Seriously, that just bowled me over, I had no idea we could get anything for free! And my, oh my, oh my, we sure do 'get' so very much from sharing our time by helping others, right? Right, right, right indeed.

this is one of my favorite pups at BARC, miss colleen

As for ye olde arts, I happen to big a big fan and supporter of Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.

This Broadway community staple raises money for what seems like an endless list - they truly cover such an incredible range of help. I highly encourage you to check out their site for more info.

with a cast full of people i love and a big ol' donation check to BCEFA

also, if you're not in the mood for gifts, you can sign up over at causes to ask for donations instead of presents for your birthday, a holiday, or even your wedding. you get to pick where the donations go!

and if you're like listen woman, i like presents.. perhaps you would fancy to make a donation to a charity in someone else's name. this will also mean one less tray of "i didn't know what to get everybody" brownies at your office. yes that's right: giving makes you skinny. you're sold, right?

happy beginning of the holidays, friends. xo

“I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. 

I woke and I saw that life is all service. 

I served and I saw that service is joy.” 

- Kahlil Gibran

On The Beach (In My Mind)

today i am wishing i was on this beach, helping to clean it up and get it back to normal.

after all, it's important to take care of the places that have taken such good care of you.

since i can't be there, i'm delighting in being here. adventuring around, singing along to old crooners and showtunes from the 40's and 50's, snuggling with two sweet puppybears, dancing and cleaning.

where in the world is your favorite place?

happy sunday, friends :)

xo

On Words For Your Soul

I find that if I'm paying attention, the words I need come find me. Here are three sections of articles that have affected me lately. Let me know what's affecting you lately, yes? Yes. xo

"Want to inspire lasting change? Don’t tell somehow how you want them to change. Don’t nag them to do things a certain way. Instead, be the example and show them there’s a better way. Set a stage such that they get to experience what’s possible."

- From Amber Rae's latest How To Inspire Lasting Change - well worth reading the whole thing.

"I didn’t realize this until recently, but the most destructive thing smart people do is spend their lives waiting. Even people with lofty dreams and aspirations get distracted by the inertia of ordinary events and subconsciously store their goals in the waiting place."

- From Dustin Curtis' The Waiting Place - again, totally worth reading the whole thing. Then go seek out his post called The Fight.

"When you feel like life is wrapping its fingers around your spirit, clenching its fists around you energetically, placing its strong hands on top of your head in an attempt to say, "stop. growing." push back. It's a test. When you wonder if you're invisible, or perhaps no one will love you or see you, or that you may have to compromise your spirit because, "that's just life".... remember that the ground beneath you will always support you, that the heart that's beating inside of your chest is always your steady companion and that your life is YOURS, that you decide your shine, the only person who can switch on/off INNER LIGHT, is you. These are the ways you can love yourself. Light, on."

- From Chelsea Talks Smack's These Are The Ways You Can Love Yourself - for goodness sake please read this whole thing. I can't tell you the agonizing I did over choosing what section to quote here because all of it sits so dearly in my heart.

On These Deep City Lights

this city. we are love/hate, she and i.

she pushes me. makes me try new things and meet new people.

she keeps me out of my comfort zone so often that it's become my permanent address.

she runs me ragged every day, exhausting me to the point where i'm wide awake again.

she throws every obstacle possible at me, while i dodge and weave and duck.

she is... tough.

__

we were sitting in his apartment at the time. i was upset about something.

because that's what i did before: got upset.

i liked it, i understood it, it felt comfortable, safe.

he was rallying me, talking me through it, his voice building with enthusiasm.

because that's what he did before: explained the world to me.

i liked it, i understood it, it felt comfortable, safe.

"you know what? sit in it. when you're in this place, just fucking sit in it. lean into that shit."

perhaps not the most eloquently stated, but i can still see him, his eyes locked on me, his hand motions, gesturing like an old school italian mobster but meaning it, god, totally meaning it. present.

"just sit in that muck and that crap and..", I had stopped listening by now, my eyes widening at

this miracle of a human who swept in and fixed everything and explained everything.

i felt so safe and calm and reassured. loved. naturally these were not things i expressed.

but this is how we grow. we say and do things and try and fumble and fail.

__

i was on the phone with my mom tonight, crying, of course.

because that's what i do now: i get it out so it doesn't just sit there, building.

i like it. i understand it. i feel comfortable. safe.

she was listening to me, just listening, not trying to fix it.

because that's what i need now: the freedom to figure it out on my own.

"i know i just have to push through the fear, go through it. it's just so uncomfortable in the meantime.

feeling uncertain is where we're actually supposed to live. nothing is certain, we just create things to feel certain about: rules, organizations, politics, routine, sororities, activities.. but none of it is certain."

i was on a roll. eventually we hung up and as I settled into my bed, my first thought was: "okay, kerry, sit in it."

some of the best advice i've ever gotten.

i would rather be talking it out with him than writing this. i would rather be getting his opinion.

but the universe does this thing where, when i'm facing a bunch of decisions, or when i'm stressed out

and looking for an easy way out of it, without even knowing any of it, he just disappears for a little while.

the other people in my life do not like this. but i think it's this great, big, beautiful gift,

this gentle, loving reminder from the greater forces that it's up to me to figure out my own stuff.

that even the people that love us the most in the world are not here to solve our problems. that's our job.

my email inbox dinged yet again and i looked to see what number 120 would be.

inside were lots of words i needed to read, sent especially for me, including:

"We are being asked to be fearless before the danger of the unknown. To say a big YES to the adventure of our lives, and then risk STANDING OUT, so that we can shine our light. This may be in public, or just in your family. Those of us who choose to grow tend to stand out, because all of a sudden our standards are higher and we won't accept the same crap that we did before."

__

this city. we are love/hate, she and i.

she teaches me. showing me lessons in places and ways i didn't know possible.

she helps me grow. forces me to live my life fully each and every day.

she reflects me. she shows me my own strength in unexpected ways.

she is... tough.

at least we have that in common.

On Suburbia

It's calmer here, quieter.
The streets are so dark at night it's almost scary.
There are paws that greet you, a wagging tail not too far behind.
The TV is almost always on, there are snacks all the time.
Things you would never eat somehow find their way into your hands.
You can't see one side of this home while sitting on the other. In fact, there are multiple floors.
The rug softens under your feet and knitted blankets keep you warm.
They fall asleep early, well before ten. Only to wake up a few hours later. It was a nap, she'll say.
He stares at you intensely, follows you around, asks to be picked up in the morning, placed on the bed.
There is grass everywhere. A park, a yard, a baseball field.
It smells different here.
You settle in behind the wheel of the car, easing back into the familiar feel.
You lace up the running shoes that are barely worn in, despite buying them last year.
There is a Target. There is a Target that is only five minutes away.
You pass the place you had your first date,
the corner where you met up with your friends,
the park where you watched the boys play basketball,
the destination for ice cream,
the place you had that summer job.
You end up at the mall, even when you don't mean to. It just happens.
There is music in the car, music in the house, music from the piano, music all the time.
And there is so much singing.

It isn't so much how it stays the same,
but instead, how much you change.
And change and change and change.
Whirling like a tornado, new opinions all the time.
Thoughts, growth, ideas, experiences, all piling together,
resulting in the you that is, well, you.
You think of that quote you used to know,
'There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.'
Nelson Mandela had it right.

On Required Reading (theatre folk especially)

"During our conversation, he hands down several tabletsful of similarly exacting commandments, about playwriting and life. Never work on anything you’re not enjoying; “otherwise it’s just typing.” Never criticize what you’re writing while you’re writing it. Live in the reality of what’s happening, not in your interpretation of it. Every time you write a play, write the first play anybody’s ever written. Don’t strategize your feelings; just feel. Don’t write to solve your problems; you won’t."

from 'How Edward Albee Is Still Redefining Himself, 50 Years After Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolf'
[by Jesse Green, New York Magazine]

On Dancing

i forget this a lot. i forget her a lot.

working on remembering them both just a little bit more.

besides.. that two steps forward, one step back thing?

that's just a little bit of dancing:

it's the salsa, the tango, the move of your hips, the beat of your heart.

it's just dancing.

and dancing, my darlings, is where all the fun lives :)

xo

beautiFULL: take your time

beautiFULL: palm tree

SoulFULL: It Will Set You Free

Some of the words that have been inspiring me lately:

found

found

found

found

found

what's inspiring you?

xx