I picked this photo because after you read this, you'll be looking at me like this ^^
Something is shifting in my life. You know that feeling? When something just doesn't feel right. Not in a bad way, just in an uncomfortable-things-are-shaking way.
This seems to happen a lot in my life, come to think of it.
The best way I can explain it is that my entire being is hitting the 'reset' button but unfortunately everything and everyone around me is still in hyperactive go mode and expects me to stay at the pace I've been keeping. I've found myself opening my computer to delete facebook roughly 17 times in the past two days, until I remember that I run social media accounts as part of my job. But I have zero desire to be on it. I have a constant urge to hide under my blankets until I can navigate this time of growth in a way that doesn't make everything else feel impossible. I'm so removed that I didn't even look at my phone for nearly the last 48 hours and didn't open my laptop once and I was so happy.
The most telling thing is that I have literally zero fucks to give about almost everything. It's like whatever change and growth is going on here with me is so big, so overwhelming that I don't have time for anything petty, drama filled, ridiculous, or minimal. Scratch that - I almost don't have any time or space within me to deal with anything else. At all. The handful of people that matter so much to me are getting my attention, plus my babydogs of course, but that's it. That's all I've got room for. It's making me a bit of a crappy friend but every time I start to want to remedy the situation, my inner voice tells me to hold tight, keep waiting, trust in what I'm doing.
I'm craving a really big change. An overhaul. I'm craving getting back to doing only the things that I love with my whole heart. I've recently had this realization that every single thing I decide to do, I do successfully. If I care about it, I nail it. Ridiculous things that I shouldn't even really be able to do, I'm doing or have done. But here's the other realization that came along with it: just because I'm able to do something well doesn't mean I should be doing it. I'm not 100% sure what that means yet but it was one of those realizations that stopped me in my tracks and those are the kind that come to fruition.
Is any of this making sense?
The most clear way I can think to explain it is that I got very lost somewhere along the way, trying to be everything to everyone and terrified that any further success would be tied to continued pain. In acting, in love, in everything. That if I got the things I wanted, I would suffer for the next few years because of getting them. But many a year later, and so much pain later, I'm now able to see that belief system as what it is: made up. False. A way to keep myself at bay. And now I've made peace with that realization but am still in the middle of the woods, looking around, like "okay, now what?" but in a way that sometimes is like "okay! now what?!" because it's exciting to recognize that I can literally do anything, that I succeed at anything I decide to do, and that I am so exhausted with pleasing others that I'm free in a way I've never known. But all the while, I'm still in the woods, still lost. Or at least, not found quite yet.
What is that horribly annoying saying about when you lose the most important thing in your life, you're able to do anything? It's a cheesy quote scribbled into thousands of teenager's journals and probably also pressed onto some walls with those removable decals. Anyway, you know what I mean. Wait - once you've lost everything, you're free to do anything? Is that it? (Is this the best post you've ever read or what?) That's where I'm at. I feel like the last 6 months were the most painful stripping away of everything that I'd decided mattered the most to me. It's actually still going on but I can feel it slowing down and also there's very little left so, you know. It wiped out people, relationships, situations, opportunities, etc. If you had any idea how many times in the past six months I've spent sobbing on my floor, talking to (yelling at) God, asking Him to please just show me what the hell He wanted me to do, you would send presents and pat me on the head every time you saw me with one of those pitying looks.
But the whole time this has been going on and I've been using up every tissue in the stock of boxes I had under my bed, there has been this calm voice telling me to keep going. Stay steady on this path, that it's good things that are coming. That this is a clearing out so God can work in my life in a new way that I cannot even imagine yet. That this massive amount of pain and uncertainty is exactly perfectly timed and I just need to trust it. When I'm totally calm about it, there is this peace I feel that I've never felt before ever and honestly, that part is maybe the scariest.
I'm not sure this blog post is even going anywhere. No, I know it's not. Part of me hopes that my friends who read it will maybe understand why I'm currently AWOL and that it has nothing to do with them but that it's too hard to explain over and over so I'm just not explaining. Part of me hopes that writing it out is just the next step in clarity. The other day I realized that the main reason I make art is because I desire for everyone to know they are not alone in their experience in this world. The struggles, the pain, the love, the bliss, the joy. The things we keep locked away in our heads or our bedrooms are actually things that everyone else is going through or has gone through or will go through. And if one of you reading this is nodding along, thinking of their own massive tissue causalities recently, feeling the way that I'm feeling, then that's why I felt the need to write this. For you. For us.
This is the part where I make the disclaimer that I am unbelievably blessed in so many ways that so many people will never get the gift of experiencing. That I'm not experiencing "real" problems, because I'm not! I still have most of my core family members, I still have my handful of lifetime best friends who stay steadfast with me while I'm in such a weird place, I have my health and the ability to see and hear and breathe and love. Sure, yes, have there been scary and painful things? Yes. Do I miss my best friend so much I feel insane most days without him to share all of this with and hear his input? Yes. Am I scared out of my mind about this large amount of unknowns? Yes. Have there been other things I'm not writing here because they are not your business? Yes. But still. Even without reading headlines of the latest world tragedies, I know how lucky and blessed I am and that all of this pain is leading to awesome. So don't go thinking I'm in pain and unbelievably self-centered. I may be a hot mess but I'm an aware, empathetic, praying for everyone hot mess.
I've been staying in NJ the past week and I keep falling asleep. Mainly after I meditate but other times, too. I've taken legit naps (something I never, ever do). I know this is my body managing the restart button that's happening. I know it's turning off so it can do what it needs to. Even in this moment, I am so, so tired. It's that deep kind of exhaustion that comes with massive life changes. Like I've got two miles left in my first marathon and I have no idea how I'm going to get to the finish line or how long it's going to take but there's this drive and truth and a voice that tells me to keep going, keep going, keep going. That it's not as far as I think.
So I keep going.