Sunday, March 9, 2014

Sunday Nights Are Great For Love Letters.

photos from this week. mainly bc my computer quit and instagram is all I got for ya

Sometimes I just get these clear, calming thoughts. Most likely that's from meditation and the paradox process and, you know, God and the Universe and Nature and all of that. BUT it got me thinking. What if our future selves can reach out to us right now and send us little love messages? So I'm writing myself a love letter from my future, older, wiser self.

Because these are the things I do on a Sunday night and also because I would very much like to have a talk with her soon. Here's what I think she would say.

Dear Kerry,

Calm down. It's going to be just fine. All of it. I promise. Calm down.

It's actually a lot more fun to go through life not knowing what's going to happen next. Think about it: haven't all of the best times been things you never saw coming? Yes, they have been. I know that's true because I was there for them, too. I know it feels scary and uncomfortable right now but it won't always feel like this. I know you're worried everything is going to fall to pieces but it won't.

Spoiler alert: we absolutely get everything that is meant for us. All of the meant-for-us things are ours. We win! Yay! I'm not going to tell you what they are because I'd rather you enjoy the experience of your life as it happens but trust me, they are good. Really, really, deliciously, outrageously good. Keeping on that note, we do not get anything that is not meant for us. Another spoiler alert: by now we could give two shits about those things because they were not meant for us. And the things that are meant, that are ours, are so awesome that we can't even remember what those other things were.

You are really, really loved. You are loved so much you can't comprehend it quite yet and that's okay, but it's important you know this. I know you feel kind of crummy right now and I'm sorry. Think about every other time you felt sad, confused, or alone, and remember that each and every time that happens it turns you into a better person. You are not going to feel this way forever. In fact, you already don't feel this way all the time or even most of the time. Don't let the once-in-awhile feeling trick you into believing it's never going to stop.

You've already learned by now that you somehow just know things. You don't understand why or how but there are some clear truths that hit you hard and you simply know them. You know. Stop trying to figure out why you have this gift, stop judging if it's cool or weird and stop messing with your own head and convincing yourself you don't know or you might be wrong. When it comes to these things, you are always right and you do just know. Trust in it. Even, and most especially when it feels scary or hard to trust yourself.

Let him take the time he needs to become the person he wants to be. You can't do it for him, no matter how much you want to. He can't be with you until he figures out who he is and he can't figure out who he is with you by his side. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them wade out into the mucky waters by themselves to learn they can figure out how to get back out on their own.. instead of scrambling to build them a canoe and fashion them a life vest and yell like hell from the shore. I know you're scared he won't make it back out and I know you're scared he won't return home to you. But even with all of that fear, you have to let him figure it out on his own. Put down the life vest. He did the same for you.

You're actually doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. Keep working on giving yourself that credit. Be nice to yourself. You're listening to your calling, and creating the life you want for yourself and that right there is enough to throw a freaking party over. You're living in New York City and you're making it work somehow and that's also worth a celebration. Keep working from the place of serving others and you cannot lose. Remember that gifts are meant to be shared. Quit keeping most of yours to yourself, that's called being selfish. God gave you these gifts for a reason. And sing more, would you? You like to sing.

Just wait until you see how great it gets. Every experience, every pain, every fear was totally worth it to get us to where we are now (something you can already understand, right?). Keep swimming. I love you!

an older, wiser, incredibly beautiful, still not modest, but happier than a pig in shit,


  1. this gave me goosebumps all over. the paragraph about him is something i thought about many times today. my love will leave for a semester in tokyo soon and i feel like the picture you drew applies also to us. he's wading out there and i want to just let him go and hope for him to come back to me.
    this letter is so, so heartwarming to read. and i find so, so much truth in it, too.
    she's wise, your future self.
    love to you, lots of it.

  2. I like this oh-so-much. It could have been a letter written to me, and things I need to hear, too. You know all your dreams are going to come true when ABC Family discovers you, is what's going to happen.