this photo has nothing to do with this post. except i like it. and it fits my thoughts. credit: Philip Spaeth
Here's the thing: I really miss writing.
I keep wanting to write, thinking I should blog, but then - no, organize the new website for Mustard Seed, take the dogs out on a longer walk, finish that project, reply to the seemingly endless emails, eat-did-you-eat?, do the things, say the words, make the calls, blah blah blah. And then I don't. Mostly it's because I'm over here hoarding posts and post ideas for my soon-to-be new blog for my business website that I swear I am so close to finishing except no not at all but it's a damn good start. And I think about all these things and start to get overwhelmed and then I have to stop and take care of myself because I'm no good to the world if I'm no good to myself.
And I think about how I miss writing. And here we are.
I don't care for the idea that being busy stops you from doing what you love. That is potatoes. But I am a firm believer that we ourselves stop us from doing what we love. I see it in my clients, I see it in my community, I see it in myself. And when I spy something in myself that I don't like, I have to change it. Self-growth, change, working on myself provide me with a high unlike any other.
I've been searching around for my word for 2014. My clients and I have chosen some most excellent ones for themselves and I'm thrilled for them. My 2013 word was Brave. Capital B. And I look back at the past year and I can see how Brave weaved itself into my choices, my struggles, lessons, gains, Love, passion, and career. I can see it. I couldn't always then but that hindsight thing is no joke. 2013 blew my damn mind. I never saw any of it coming. Actually, if you had told me what would happen in 2013 a year earlier, I would have laughed my face off at you. So I'm eager to see what happens this year and am fairly without any expectations. I got that lesson loud and clear last year: you cannot control, you do not know, just show up and trust. But with that mindset, it can be hard to choose a word to encompass the upcoming year.
So I've been working through some: Light, for one. I find myself asking if that's a strong enough choice but I remind myself to be light multiple times a day so it's worth pursuing. Confidence, another. Release. Proclaiming. Balance. Commitment. And then tonight, I had a thought: Unapologetic. There's something about that word that lights up a part of me that I forgot I had and reminds me of who I am. In that deliciously unexpected way, you know? Like when you're wearing your favorite outfit and feel so right, or see a photo of yourself where you're like "oh, there I am". It feels like the piece of me that's been sitting quietly, waiting for the rest of me to come back for it.
Unapologetic. I like it.
Not in a way where I won't be apologizing. Obviously. But unapologetic about my life, my choices, what I feel like wearing, saying no to going out, saying no in general, enjoying the things I enjoy. Unapologetic about my love and ability to love and my words and my ability to speak them. Unapologetic about my success, about receiving compliments, about my commitment to hustling until I get everything I want. And freaking unapologetic about what it is that I want. And need. And crave. And hope for. And don't need. And don't want. Unapologetic about being myself.
I think the reason I love to blog so much is that it forces me to catch these tiny moments within my life that I may have missed otherwise. I don't want to miss those moments in my life. I don't want answering emails or making color palate choices or texting someone back or shoveling breakfast in my mouth to cause me to miss out on those simple, sweet, intoxicating, life-changing, life-awareness moments. I don't want to miss any of the magical life lessons that come from my sweet pups. I don't want to brush away Henry when he taps me on the shoulder with his paw (no but really he does this) because he needs something and I'm too busy working to have noticed. I don't want to miss the moments when the Universe and God are talking to me but I'm too busy updating my google calendar to hear them. I don't want to miss the way the sweetest man in the world looks at me because I'm too busy trying to plan the next time we'll be able to see each other. And I don't want to miss out on remembering these moments later because I was too busy to write them down.
I don't want to miss my life because I'm too busy creating the life I think I want.
I don't actually have a cute way of wrapping this up or tying it all together or even a point in why I'm writing except that I just needed to write. At this point I can't imagine anyone is still reading this thing but in a way that almost makes it better. And either way I don't care. It's for me, right here, right now. And I'm unapologetic about that. (Look at that, I DID have a cute way of tying it together.)