Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Here's To; or, a Toast and Some Truths

It's an interesting thing to be so filled up with love, with my own love, with god's love, that I'm actually unable to stay in a negative space. Like, not only do I not want to but I also honestly cannot stay angry, hurt or upset at myself, at the situation, or at him. It's weird, and by weird I mean fucking awesome.

This is not because I'm special or superhuman, but instead because I've committed to being the kind of person I want to be and am not stopping for hell or high water or (attempted) heartbreak.
So a little toast to the reasons I have been dancing in my room, laughing with my whole heart, and kicking ass and taking names during a time when I thought I'd be inconsolable and broken.


Here's to the Paradox Process,
Here's to Ziva Meditation,
Here's to the Fiddler Women who quietly build a fortress of love for me from coast to coast,
Here's to all the exes that came out of the woodwork to send loving and funny messages,
Here's to the one flying across the country to come kick it with me for a week,
Here's to so much free theatre in the best city for theatre in the world,
Here's to my main men Pharrell and Flo Rida for making their music for me to sing and dance to,
Here's to one best friend Facetiming in from India, and another feeding me Indian food.
Here's to the gentle (loud) reminder from the universe that I can't avoid going after what I want just because my heart is so full, and to the fact that it will remind me until I get it.
Here's to loving yourself so much, keeping so much grace in your heart, that you're unable to be deterred or rerouted or broken.
Here's to understanding we have the power to be who we want to be, and live the life we want to live right the fuck now, regardless of how we've been living until this moment.
Here's to already being whole and knowing no one else is ever needed to complete me, because I'm already complete. Other people are welcome to compliment my wholeness with theirs but both of my "other halves" are me. The roles have been cast and I booked them both, no understudies needed.
Here's to knowing that I am only in charge of my growth, my ability to love, and my choices, and that I am sure as hell not in charge of yours. Just as you are not able to create or remove my happiness.

And here's to the pure hope in my heart that someday very soon you learn how to love yourself this way. That you learn how to like yourself this way. That you learn how to be massively, overwhelmingly in love with your own self. That you learn it's okay to be happy and loved all of the time, and only fill yourself up with things that make you proud of yourself. That you fight to be the man you want to be just like you've watched me fight to be the woman I want to be.
And after that, maybe you'll be okay with loving me, but either way, I'm good.

If the one thing in the world I thought could destroy me only had me upset for slightly over 24 hours, then the world had seriously better watch the fuck out.

Loving someone so much is actually very cool. It's more important to me that he grows and heals in the way he wants so badly than it is for us to be together. It's selfless in a way that I honestly didn't know I was able to love (mainly because I am not a very selfless person, openly admitted), and it just pushes me to grow more, work harder, focus more on my own life. My love for him, and his love for me, continue to make me a better person even within a painful situation. And that is something I am damn proud to be a witness to. It's something that feels rare and special, and worth honoring and respecting by not tearing the other person down but instead, praying that they build themselves up.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” - Brene Brown

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