Monday, January 21, 2013

ON being called

{unedited image by phillip spaeth}

Friends. I'm coming at you with a question today.
Do you believe in 'callings'?
That inner truth that guides us to a certain lifestyle, career, person or place?
Or, for you, is it more that your choices guide you? And the meaning follows?

Personally, I feel called.
There is very little other explanation for knowing what I am meant to do,
for knowing where I am meant to be, for knowing who I am meant to be with.
Especially since I've felt called to my career since I was really young, too young to 'choose' it.
I've also always felt called to be near the beach, called to be with/care for animals,
called to music, and called to certain people in my life. (I mean, who meets their best friend at two?)
For me, there is this gut reaction, or steady urging, toward something, someone, or somewhere.
The decision to come to LA was motivated by a steady voice telling me
"go to LA, go to LA, go to LA.." over and over, louder and louder until it was unable to be ignored.
It became almost plaguing. Haunting. Or like the chorus of a song you just can't stop singing.

But then, I was on the phone, my favorite voice coming through the other end. And he disagreed.
He said he feels like there are no real callings, just meaning we assign things.
For example, in hindsight, we all have great understanding and clarity (if we're lucky).
Such as "see, that's why I took that random class! to meet my new boyfriend!"
or, "oh, the reason I quit that band was so I could realize my true passion for cooking."
And so, regardless if we choose A or B, we are still choosing the path that is right.
I feel him on this. Everything is a lesson, everything is a blessing, there is no "wrong" choice.
But.. I do still feel called. So I guess I'm a mix of being called and assigning meaning,
while trusting that I'm being guided and am therefore unable to be anywhere except where I'm meant.

It's tricky. I feel so lucky to be called to a certain profession.
Yet sometimes I wonder if I'm still pursuing it because I always have been.
If being uncomfortable is my comfortable, if being unstable is actually my stable.
Or, if perhaps I am just truly made this way and am correct for following this path.
And, for me at least, unless we follow these callings, what do we have to guide us?
Isn't that our inner compass? Our gut, our callings, leading us down our twisting paths?

Today in church, the priest talked about being brave enough to just listen to God and trust that he knows. To listen and hear and then do what he says. And it felt so appropriate to hear after thinking so hard on all of this for the past few days. Because it's easy for me to want it all right now, to become impatient with the journey and want the outcome already. It's hard to not fear the unknown, to be okay with accepting that we don't know how our dreams will come true, and settle in the comfort of just trusting they will. Fear can sneak up on ya, catch you off guard. But then, this homily: "When is the last time you just listened and did what he said?"
This is what I mean by calling. When is the last time we all just listened - to ourselves, to God, to the universe, to that inner compass - and did what was said? Without a guaranteed outcome?
Without a magic eight ball or fortune-teller telling us how it will all look in the end?
I get so caught up in trying to plan and control my future, that I forget to let go and trust.
So I'm going to keep working on that.

It's weird - most of my biggest blessings often times feel like curses.
But, if I'm being truthful, I do feel lucky to have this voice, this guidance.
I feel lucky to have this inner radar that goes off when I feel "home", or where I belong.
It lights up when I'm on set, making me feel on fire. I'm home.
It lights up when I'm with dogs, making me feel full of joy. I'm home.
It lights up when I'm with him, making me feel full of love. I'm home.
I still don't have an answer for anyone about LA vs NY, except that no answer is the answer.
I can't tell you what's next or where I belong, because my heart always tells me once I'm there.
And for right now, that has to be enough.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase,
just take the first step." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now, talk to me: do you believe in callings? What is/are yours?
Do you believe we're guided on destined paths or that we assign meaning post-choices?
Do you find yourself able to listen to your voice/higher power/gut/heart?
What do you do when you can't listen or feel uncertain about the future?
Do share, do share. Deep thoughts for a Monday, right? ;) xo


  1. I'm a Christian, so I believe that God has a plan for each of us. My husband and I have a crazy how-we-met story, and I think God definitely had a hand in our meeting/falling in love/marrying each other and so on. I hope you found what you're looking for!


  2. Sigh, yes. My husband tells me I'm a dreamer, but I never put my dreams into action. Luckily that's what he's there kick me into gear and get me a little uncomfortable. That's when the magic happens. We're on the cusp of a big life change, so I'm listening to my inner compass and trying not to be so "in control" of my future. I can make all the plans I want, but it's God's plan at the end of the day.

  3. one of the things i wish most for is a passion that i burn for, that i feel is my calling. ive never had anything like it, never sticked to anything. i highly do believe in that gut feeling of "this is right" or "this is where i'm meant to be". the "this is what i'm meant to DO" is still lacking, though. maybe i'm looking for it too hard.

    your eyes...

  4. I love this. You & I are in very similar places in our lives right now. Even if I don't sublet your room, would love to connect in NYC. What church do you attend?

  5. I love this. You & I are on similar paths right now. Even if I don't sublet from you, would love to connect in NYC at some point. What church do you attend? Christian City Church was my previous church in NYC, but I'm open to attending various churches.