On The Past 24 Hours

We had just met last night but when I saw him walk into Starbucks, I went up to say hello and re-introduce myself. He cut me off, hugging me and telling me of course he knew who I was.

"Kerry, you're really talented. I mean it, you are a really good actor."

I thanked him despite my instinctive desire to disagree and we went on to chat for awhile. This man whom I really admire, not only in the business, but also as a human, talking to me about my career and my life with so much passion and heart. My eyes were wide in awe the whole time.

"You've got to listen to yourself. You have to. What's the worst that could happen?" He smiled, and with a flourish, was off.
__

Wrapped up in his arms, we talked about the debate I had missed, what we think will happen with the election, the comments we've each been reading (me: facebook statuses, him: news articles). Something so ordinary - conversations like this are happening all over the country - and yet, I found myself overcome with a flood of Love for this simple moment, and so grateful to end the day with my favorite human. I leaned over to kiss him and we settled into sleep.
__

She pointed to me.

"Kerry, right? Kerry, you're really sassy and quirky and just so interesting to watch. I just want to listen to you."

And there, from a perfect stranger, my answer over the endless headshot dilemma became very clear. Quirky, of course. Sassy, of course. Isn't that what everyone says? A clarifying moment of my own truth, from someone I literally may never see again.
__

We had been on the phone for nearly an hour.

"I feel like I was doing so great and now it's like I took a bunch of steps backward."

I was with her at first, agreeing that I felt the same way, what had happened to our vigor and enthusiastic pursuit? Where had it gone? And then - no, wait, hold on - I cut her off:

"Oh my god, no! No. You haven't taken any steps backward. You're always moving forward. Even when it feels otherwise, even when you can't yet see why you're at where you're at. Like, I can't tell you when I'm going to be famous, but I know it will happen and so I know everything along the way is getting me there. Even when I feel like I'm so far from it. It's not up to us to understand how we are getting there - just that we're on our way. Maybe this is leading you directly back to it. Maybe it's sending you on another path. But either way, you're moving forward. I am, too."

One of my favorite mirrors, one of my favorite people, she always helps me see myself. And vice versa.
__

"So now.. is that Clifford the Big Red Dog that I'm seeing in your bag?"

His face turned into a giant grin, his body twisted around like a toddler, gleefully explaining why he had something Clifford related. And for the second time in less than a day, I was startled by how the Love I have for him just continues to grow.
__

The phone rang. My agents asking if I could come in right away. As I agreed, I said a silent prayer of thanks for all of the free time that I spent most of last week hating. Reminding myself that a delay is not a denial, and that there are so many wonderful things waiting for us if we stay open. That in the time of one day, I can find myself amused, adored, delighted, brave, honest, busy, lazy, Loved, present, and learning.

On Saying No (To Say Yes)

I was annoyed. The group of kids were screaming, the guy next to me kept accidentally elbowing me in my side as he attempted to change positions 47 times a minute. By the time I got there, I was just about scowling and really confused as to how I got so angry out of nowhere. After arriving and sitting for over an hour, my stomach was doing flip flops. So now, in addition to being angry, I felt loopy and just totally out of it.. yet could not place what was going on. In fact, it took almost another hour before my answer became very clear.

She took one look at my face and asked if I wanted to be there. The first answer came out as a weak, soft sounding 'yes, of course'. And then, moments later, I heard myself saying no. And laughing. And standing up, heading to the door. Luckily, she was really kindhearted and we chatted for a few minutes before I left, where she told me I was right to know the kind of work I was meant for.

You see, a few days ago, I got a call to do some extra work for a big movie filming here in NYC. Sounds fancy, and I had the days free, so I said yes, despite an earlier promise I had made to myself to never do extra work (after doing it once). The reason I had been so annoyed, so angry, so upset was because I was going against myself. I wasn't listening to myself and when my mind can't get through to me, my physical body starts to try. This usually means I get really angry and/or feel really out of it. For other people I know, it can mean having an upset stomach, getting dizzy or exhausted. Everyone has a different reaction to when they're not giving themselves what they need. Literally the second I told her I didn't want to do extra work (I believe I threw in a "not now nor ever!" for enthusiasm) my entire body relaxed and I felt fine, even burst out laughing. I'm pretty sure she thought I was insane at this point, but that's okay.

Here's the whole point of this story: we have to say NO to some things so we can say YES to others.
Want further proof? As soon as I got home, I got a call that I booked a PSA, which I'll be filming tomorrow. The next morning I got another call that I booked a music video that films next week.
I had to say no to doing the type of work that I do not want to do, and honor myself and my goals, in order to make space for other jobs that I want to do! This may sound bananas to you, and that's okay, but I find it to be the truth every time.

Learn how to say no, practice it often. This isn't to say you should be selfish or hurtful to others. Just say no to the things you don't want, so the things you do want are able to find their way into your life. It's okay to skip dinner with the girls if you really want to finish writing another chapter of your novel. It's okay to say no to joining yet another volunteer organization or being in charge of another fundraiser; this does not make you a bad person. It's even okay to say no to a date if you've been really looking forward to having a night at home, just for yourself. Listen to yourself, figure out what you want, act accordingly. And if you need someone to back it up or support you in your choice, you've already got me on your side.