Sunday, January 27, 2013

ON oh, new york

oh, new york. i do miss you, you wild beast of a place. you have a special way with me, ripping out my guts and abandoning me to figure it all out, then at the last minute swooping in and reviving my soul. you're reckless with your people, your devoted lovers, casually tossing their stability and sanity around, only to laugh at them, and wrap them up back in your welcoming arms.

we have a love/hate thing, you and i. i don't care for your crowds of people, your smells or packed subway cars. i can do without the negative energy, the rushingrushingrushing, or the money that just seemingly flows out of my bank account and into you. i do not miss the cold, i cannot lie.

there are memories on so many corners. the six-minute walk from 49th street to 54th, late at night when it's best to go from one bed into another. the way columbus circle looks so different now. the stage door where friends are met after shows. the steps of lincoln center, the library tucked in the back. the movie theatre in the east village. the place with the pirogues and the one with the meatballs. the nights where everything blurred together and the sun tucked us into bed.

the thing with missing one of the loves of your life, is that it aches in a different way, a subtle and constant burn that doesn't fully consume you but doesn't ever let up either. all the while you know they'll still be there. waiting for you. and if the best way to love another is to love yourself first then you will love yourself first, dammit. you must. so even while it's taken me far away from you, the best thing i can do is be here and trust that it will lead me back to you if we are meant to be. oh, new york. i know you understand. you always do.


  1. First, have you heard the song "you're scaring me" by Greg Holden? You should starts in this recording at about 1min in after he rambles for awhile. "You're beautiful but you're scaring me , New York."

    Second, your last paragraph speaks to me. I totally have those places/times in life I can hardly think about without the nostalgia making my chest so tight I feel like I might come all apart. I wouldn't go back, but it still feels like I left an arm somewhere.

    1. exactly, girl. exactly. i will look for that song! i feel like a friend maybe plays for him? or toured with him? bc the name sounds wicked familiar. such good music you know of!

  2. oh i love your writing so much, kerry. the last paragraph is very relevant to me right now, too. it perfectly describes how i feel after moving around so much these past few years and leaving places behind.