I've been in overwhelm lately.
The dearest loves in my life know that I get to this point from time to time. Usually a combination of worrying about money, my career and my life are the culprits to blame. Although as soon as I start to teeter into overwhelm-land (like Disneyland except with less fun and more panic), anything and everything can be to blame: the negative energy on a NYC subway during rush hour, feeling heartbreak over the horses forced to pull carriages, waiting on someone to return my call, making assumptions, the weather, etc.
In recent days, I've been trying to decide what to do about my current living situation. Should I move to a new apartment? A new city? Find a roommate? Find a friend's place to sublet? Move back home for a bit? In New York City, the options are literally endless. The hours spent scouring Craigslist until the middle of the night were ridiculous, never mind the phone calls to my mother where I would obsessively list every pro and con I could think of for every possible option.
In attempting to make one big life decision, several others popped up out of the woodwork. When considering a move to LA, my career choices started to demand attention. If I want to be on TV, shouldn't I be in LA? But what about all of the pilots and episodics shooting here? What about the connections I have where I currently am? What about the recent meetings I've had out there? Could I really give up theatre altogether? Do I really need to ever give up any part of the business?
And on and on and on. See how easy it is to get all swirled up with the thoughts in our own minds? Throw in the fact that I have absolutely no income at the moment, an unclear path to my goals, some unnecessary boy drama and a big meeting coming up? I found myself literally hiding under the covers in my bed yesterday.
And then, something clicked. I remembered that it's not our circumstances that define us but how we choose to react to those circumstances. I decided to change my attitude that very second and trust that everything will work out in a great way. I meditated on a few positive mantras as I got ready and instantly found myself perking up. Throughout the day, my mind would start to wander back toward negative thinking and I'd take a second to re-focus and remind myself that I was choosing to have a positive attitude.
Wanna know what happened?
By letting go of my panic over my housing situation, out of nowhere, the most perfect roommate match happened.
By releasing my obsessive research about what gym to join and how will I afford it, my amazing cousin asked me to join her at a certain fitness center and offered to pay my way in exchange for being her company. This is the exact place I've been admiring from a far (and from their website), eager to try their class.
By actively choosing to stop fearing my financial situation, the employees at my banking institution magically waved a fee for me and I have found myself with several promising new routes for sources of income (cross your fingers!).
By trusting that I'm in the right profession and am allowed to audition for whatever I want, I had the opportunity to sing for one of my biggest inspirations today. I also managed to show up, sign in and get seen for this audition in less than an hour. (Sorry to you non-actors for the theatre jargon, we'll get into that in another post.
By feeling more joyous, I've found the people around me to be happier. By being more generous, I've seen the return come at me ten-fold. I even got the chance to see a great play by a writer I really like for free tonight!
All of this came from a simple decision to choose happiness & trust over fear & panic. There is no way for us to know what's going to happen next. Trust me, the control freak part of me wishes there were. All of the studies, to-do lists, yoga poses and psychics in the world can't tell us what the next moment will bring. But by firmly declaring to trust the Universe, trust ourselves and trust in positive thinking, we can float easily from one day to the next.
Tomorrow morning, when you wake up (or heck, even right now if you're feeling crazy) declare out loud that this day is going to bring amazing things for you. Then sit back, watch and give thanks.