on MR. & MRS. MONACO TURN TWO

This past week marked the second year of marriage for my sister and brother-in-law. That's a long time, if you ask me. Because when you're married to someone, you're married to them every single day, all day, nonstop. Think about it (non-married people.. you married people can laugh either in understanding or mockery). Sometimes I just say the "M" word and get really uncomfortable. Recently, my favorite male person said it once or twice himself (I did not even know he knew the word), and understandably we didn't speak for a few days after that. I'm pretty sure I replied with  "you've thought about what?". So you can imagine my impressed-ness over anyone being married at all, let alone multiple years.

The second year of marriage calls for a cotton gift. I told my sister that I would give them a blogtton gift instead. It's true, I am incredibly generous. No, I will get them a gift, but first I must scour etsy and the like. In the meantime: blogtton! Both of them are very weird, which seems right when getting married. Find someone as weird as you, who puts up with you even when you are whiny (Amy) or making fun of the other person's little sister (Matt), who will go to Target with you, and other places. But mostly, just someone weird who likes you a whole lot. They have that down.

Love you both very much. And sometimes your cats. Happy Anniversary!
Love, the sister, Henry Elliot, and Layla June. (they helped write this. woof.)

ON old curses & big Love

my photo/San Francisco, CA/2010

i'm going to just put this out there: i used to have a valentine's day curse.

i know what you're thinking: she's exaggerating. i'm here to assure you that i'm not.

i saw a post the other day where there was a contest to see who had the worst v-day story.

i read each one and guffawed (sidenote: i can't believe i managed to work guffawed into a blog post!)

thinking that they had nothing on me. nothing! okay except one. sorry about that wedding, girl.

i won't share any of the stories here because that would be such a downer and also because i don't actually care anymore.

but i will tell you about the first year i had a great valentine's day.

my junior year of college, i had a meeting with an agent, one of the kindest boys at school brought me (and my girlfriends) each a rose, someone gave me some sort of candy, i don't know. it wasn't getting things that mattered, it wasn't the successful meeting, it was just something that clicked and said 'hey, you don't actually have a valentine's day curse, you just thought you did.'

because that's all it ever was. every year as i cringed waiting for whatever terrible thing was going to happen (and oh my god, were they terrible. boston 2004 i am looking directly at you.) i was basically manifesting something terrible to happen. by saying out loud that i had a curse, i was reaffirming it. and worse, by truly believing it, i was demanding that it happen. maybe that was the curse, come to think of it.

Love is delicious. it's great that there's a whole day devoted to it, but that's not enough for me.

i'll never be the type of girl to have a magickal valentine's day because every day is magickal.

(though to be fair, some came close. San Fran 2010 i'm looking at you. save for the 7 hrs of sobbing.)

i don't ever want to be with someone who makes a big deal out of valentine's day only to be lame or less romantic the rest of the year. no sir, not for me. so all that time that i thought i had a curse, what was really happening was that i just couldn't see how incredibly loving and special each day was, i couldn't see that i was so so so Loved, and that i was capable and worthy of being loved.

so this one day that was supposed to be about love and relationships just felt awful to me.

funny the things that we believe about ourselves, no? so silly.

look up at that photo again. which one did you see first? what do you believe about yourself?

if you're one of the people who dreads this day.. don't. stop. let yourself off the hook.

think of something you really want to do and go do it. think of someone you love and call them.

buy yourself some freaking flowers, for pete's sake (super sorry if your ex is named pete or something)

and put on your favorite song and dance in your living room and put a crown on your head.

Love yourself first. let's try that again: Love yourself first. it isn't selfish, it's mandatory.

it's the biggest and brightest kind and it builds up so much that it spills up and over your edges and out into the world and makes it so you can Love everyone else even more.

we love ourselves by taking off our makeup at night. by brushing our teeth even when exhausted.

we love ourselves by painting just because we feel like painting, crying when we want to cry.

we love ourselves when we say no to things and people that do not serve us anymore.

we love ourselves when we stay home to replenish and refuel our tired bodies & minds.

we love ourselves when we turn off our phones and emails and all beeping/flashing things.

we love ourselves by listening to our guts, our hearts, over our logical minds.

we love ourselves by saying how we feel out loud, in our bravest voices, even though it's scary.

we love ourselves by going for that run, taking that class, stretching, sweating, being.

we love ourselves by keeping an eye on ourselves and catching our destructive behavior.

we love ourselves by taking a mint on the way out of the diner, a lollipop at the bank.

we love ourselves by laughing from the deepest part of our gut, loudly, who cares if it's distracting.

we love ourselves by thinking carefully about what we put into our bodies.

we love ourselves by getting sleep, drinking water, meditating, breathing in & out & in & out.

we love ourselves by going to the doctor, by doing the blood work, by flossing.

we love ourselves by surrounding ourselves with people, colors, animals, places that light us up.

we love ourselves by picking ourselves first, by painting our nails, by putting work down.

we love ourselves even when it's hard to face ourselves, even when we don't want to.

happy day of Love, friends. i wish you the same sentiment every day. xo

On Truer Words Were Never Spoken

This quote came into my world a week or two ago via le paintyhands.

(do you know paintyhands? she reminds me of me when i'm brave, & inspires me when i am not so brave.)

And I read it. And my brain went squish, thump, pound, bang, boom. And my heart went burst.

Because there it was. Right there in front of me. The very thing I didn't know I had been looking for!

See, I have this sneaky little belief system. It tells me I have to pick between career and relationship.

My art and my Love. It tells me that I can't have both.

This is trouble for so many reasons. See, I'm not me without my art, without performing, creating.

But, if I had to pick between that and Love and being Loved and Loving.. well, no contest.

I think Loving someone means choosing them every single day, even when you're annoyed or frustrated or think they will literally never learn or all those other fun things. You make a choice to choose them. But I think one must choose herself every day, too. We all have committed relationships with ourselves, you know.

So in short, if I pick me every day then that means picking me as who I truly am: an artist, a performer. So then I am picking my career every day. And then my belief system pops up and says "okie doke, you can only have one! guess you picked career! see ya love, see ya relationship, see ya etc."

and I'm all "no! wait! i'll pick the other." So I pick relationship and bid art adieu and then I'm not fully myself. And if I'm not honoring myself I can't pick me and well, needless to say, no one else will either. Because when someone Loves you, darn it if they don't Love you for who you truly are.

If you are still reading this and made it through that explanation, I applaud you.

But then, I read this quote, these words.

BOTH MUSE AND MAKER.

Both! Side by side with another artist. Both of you creating while inspiring each other.

And thus the mega mind blowing occurred because I have never thought of this before.

All these endless years of that pesky belief system kicking in, never once did I realize I can have both.

I don't have to downplay my artistry to balance out being with another artist

(and lord help me, we all know i'm only ever with other artists. every darn kind, i've tried)

just like they don't have to downplay theirs. And I don't have to feel weird about being a muse.

Actually, I think it's cool. Plus, I've had many a muse myself. Hello, I write songs for goodness sake!

So in short, my eyes stumbling upon this little quote basically changed my life.

And you know what is so delicious about belief systems? The most wonderful part?

Once you identify one of them, once you call it out, you get to start changing it.

And I super can't wait for the day where I get to laugh over how I used to think I had to pick.

Both muse and maker! BOTH muse AND maker. Oh, this is gonna be good, friends.