Valentine's Day & The Best Love

obsessed with the brilliant max wanger and his photography skills

I always have these mixed feelings about Valentine's Day. Part of me thinks it's really freaking stupid. I have never seen the point and believe we should love fully, loudly, wholeheartedly each day. But the other part of me sees all the people walking around the city hand in hand, the gaggle of men carrying bouquets of flowers alongside their briefcase with exhaustion all over their face and yet they remembered to stop and grab flowers. The high school students carrying bags with stuffed animals spilling out, chocolates tucked under their arms, and little ones with heart stickers on their faces, book-bags  sweaters, worn proudly to show the world they are loved. And that makes me think it's a pretty okay day after all.

Because at the root of today is love. Love. That delicious, necessary, lesson-filled love. Sneaky devil that one. We deserve love. Let's start there. You and I and everyone we know and everyone we don't know deserve massive amounts of love from the world, from community, and most importantly, within. And how do we do that? I only know how to answer that for myself.

Loving myself looks a whole lot like getting up and brushing my teeth when I'm dead tired and am already face first into the pillow.

Loving myself looks like figuring out what boundaries I need and creating them.

Loving myself looks like 45 minutes of intense spin class as many times a week as my wallet and body can handle.

Loving myself looks like stretching, arms over head, feet moving from flex to point and back again.

Loving myself looks like finishing the emails even when I don't want to, and knowing the difference of when I don't have to.

Loving myself looks like taking a night off to stay in.

Loving myself looks like actively silencing the critical and negative thoughts in my mind and encouraging the positive ones to get louder.

Loving myself looks like two furry nuggets running circles on my bed, paws pressing onto my face, and putting my notebooks/phone/laptop aside to play for a bit.

Loving myself looks like eating. Actual meals. More than once a day.

Loving myself looks like the delicate and difficult practices of forgiving myself and not judging myself.

Loving myself looks like two meditations a day, every day, nonnegotiable.

Loving myself looks like knowing the difference of when to pick up the phone and when to not pick up the phone.

Loving myself looks a whole lot like picking me, standing by me, and not abandoning myself for the people or opportunities that come along and tempt me to leave myself behind, waiting.

Loving myself looks like a smile as wide and as real as I've got, a greeting in the bathroom mirror, knowing my beauty does not live in my make-up bag.

Loving myself looks like taking risks, living out of my comfort zone and trying the scary things.

Loving myself looks like throwing out what I don't need anymore, donating what I can, cleaning the bathroom when I'd rather do anything else in the world. 

Loving myself looks like a gentle reminder that it is definitely not my turn to buy the paper towels, the hand soap, the swiffers.

Loving myself looks like allowing others to help, accepting the hand extended toward me, seeking it out when needed.

Loving myself looks like a new haircut on a whim, changing the color just because I feel like it.

Loving myself looks like listening to my gut.

Loving myself looks a whole lot like my favorite places and the faces of my favorite people directly in front of me.

Loving myself looks like a phone on silent, a laptop shut.

Loving myself looks like opening a book and reading the words, turning actual pages, getting drawn in, while the television remains off.

Loving myself looks like marathons of pretty little liars because I can and I want to.

Loving myself looks like a brisk walk in fresh air to reboot my mind.

Loving myself looks like a pedicure and my heels far away, in my closet, and slippers as a replacement.

Loving myself looks like a morning hike in the warm sunshine, going as slowly as I'd like.

Loving myself looks like paying down credit card debt but trusting when it's necessary to spend on things.

Loving myself looks a whole lot like the word "no". Firmly.

Loving myself looks like admitting when I'm wrong and holding my ground when I'm certain.

Loving myself looks like the ability to hear your side, your story, your words, your fears, and not take them home with me.

Loving myself looks like a paintbrush in my hand, paint smeared on my skin, a canvas coming to life.

Loving myself looks like staying when I want to run.

Loving myself looks like honesty.

Come to think of it, what always drives me nuts is when incredible people are bemoaning how they don't have anyone to spend Valentine's Day with. They DO. It's themselves. They have the best date in the world and they are missing out. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Love can only spill out of us after the well is filled up within. And ignoring the beautiful, wonderful, amazing date you have waiting for you will not make any others to get here any sooner.

So tell me, what does love look like to you?

on SEEING WITH THE HEART

"Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; 

what is essential is invisible to the eye." The Little Prince

Switching my computer off, and leaving it in another state for two days, helped me remember what's important.

Running with them in the park, joyous smiles spread across their little faces, helped me remember what's important.

Playing scrabble, my favorite Halloween movie on in the background, my phone silenced, helped me remember what's important.

Sitting across from my favorite human, marveling as he took the same words from earlier, and shook them around like real-life boggle, spilling them back out in front of me until it all made sense, helped me remember what's important.

Weaving through the aisles of the grocery store together, continuing our life long conversation in a way that only best friends can know, helped me remember what's important.

Seeing updates on Facebook as a friend was losing her dog, my heart breaking for them, helped me remember what's important.

Watching as she went to help even though she was already tired and would have preferred to relax, helped me remember what's important.

Taking a cab across town, to a part of Manhattan I rarely encounter, just to give him a hug goodbye, reflecting on the great lessons he taught me the whole way there, helped me remember what's important.

Resting, instead of working just-a-little-more, helped me remember what's important.

Hearing the crunch of leaves under my feet, navigating our way through the pumpkin patch, helped me remember what's important.

Watching as he stretched out his body, relaxing, trusting, knowing he is safe here, helped me remember what's important.

Sharing my truths honestly, instead of covering or worrying, and having them received with love, helped me remember what's important.

You never know when you're going to get a boatload of lessons delivered to you. Might as well stay open just in case.

on I KNOW SHOULDN'T BUT I DO

Laying here, in a pile of notebooks (literally a pile of them), with my baby doggies laying in the middle of the bed, as I try to claim a corner for myself, and writing emails to clients at nearly 1 in the morning, I got to thinking.

I know I shouldn't bring my laptop and work into my bed... but I do.

I know I shouldn't let the dogs sleep in my bed... but I do.

I know I shouldn't be working so late at night... but I do.

I know I shouldn't eat dinner at 9 at night... but I do.

I know I shouldn't put my phone on silent so often... but oh my I sure do.

I know I shouldn't resist my own greatness... but sometimes I do.

I know I shouldn't skip brushing my teeth before bed... but once in awhile I do.

I know I shouldn't buy bottled water and use plastic bags... but I (sadly) do.

I know I shouldn't take cabs when I can take the train... but I do.

I know I shouldn't walk a crazy long route to get somewhere when I get take the train... but I do.

I know I shouldn't look at your instagram... but I sometimes still do.

I know I shouldn't worry about you, especially when you send emails like today ahem... but I do.

I know I shouldn't coddle my puppybabies and hand feed Henry... but I sure as heck do.

I know I shouldn't get so nervous to meet the people in your life... but I do.

I know I shouldn't get on a distraction train called the internet... but I do.

I know I shouldn't analyze what to do with my hair next all the time... but I delightfully do.

I know I shouldn't let the tv be on in the background when I'm working... but sometimes I do.

I know I shouldn't be blogging when I should be sleeping... but I do.

And I know I shouldn't believe in shoulds and shouldn'ts... and I don't ;)

This post has been brought to you by the letter P, for Procrastination. and Puppies. and Pie. because who doesn't like pie?

Happy Friday, friends!

on Counting Them Again Even More

Lincoln Center,

Henry Elliot's little paw reaching out to ask someone (not me or my mom) to play,

lemonade,

Layla June in a ruffled dress,

sending the scary email,

having a couch to sit on,

having a chair to sit on,

oatmeal chocolate chip cookies,

watching an Opera at The Met,

re-usable tote bags,

meditation,

big ideas,

little steps,

callbacks,

making vegan mac-n-cheese,

listening,

the return of the red head,

so you think you can dance,

stretching,

saying yes,

not knowing, 

saturday night high fives at bed bath & beyond,

craigslist,

the woman who carried the chair down five flights,

possibility,

dry shampoo,

lauren graham,

pulling on a cozy sweater,

painting,

stacks of notebooks,

serving with your talents,

asking questions,

feeding them by hand,

my green jacket,

singing,

acting,

writing,

Love.

i am grateful for you.

previously: 4 / 3 / 2 / 1

on NOISES, NYC AND LATE NIGHT BLOG POSTS

Let me paint you a little picture, internet. 

It's 1:11 in the morning. I'm just settling into bed after a full day of life and celebrating the birthday of my favorite man. I'm putzing around on facebook, reading some blogs, doing some work, when I hear a scratching type noise. And I freeze. Heart racing, I debate in my mind whether I should look or not look toward where the noise sounds like it's coming from. I decide to not look. My legs are so tense, my heart races even faster, as I try to determine if it sounds like something big and terrifying or tiny and terrifying and I start to debate about which is worse. I pick up my phone but, well, like I said, it's a bit past one in the morning. Who do I call? My mom is asleep for sure, and it would only upset her. That previously mentioned favorite man is totally birthday-ed out and fast asleep, a few blocks away. My roommate is asleep, and my other roommate, the one who would definitely be awake at this hour, is out of town.

The noise is back, louder now, even scarier, except now I'm wondering if it's just the people above me. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to place the sound, and am reminded of hearing tests we did each year in elementary school. Did you do that, too? Everyone to the nurses office, one at a time, for sight and sound tests? We had to identify which ear the beep was in, with a range of volume levels. While there's something nice about this memory, I'd happily discard it if it meant not being terrified.

And so mainly because I am now too afraid to A) go to sleep or B) get up and brush my teeth or C) determine if the noise is really coming from in my room, I have taken to my laptop to write.

Thus I present to you Reasons Why I Freaking Hate Living In New York City:

1. Omg all things that crawl. Just tonight, heading home, I walked past a critter that was nearly half the size of my Layla. Just casually chillin on the sidewalk, in a major part of Manhattan. I don't exactly live in the hood, or anything. (And when I say I "walked past", I mean I made a major beeline to my left, nearly taking out two grown men. Move, boys. Mama is not playing when it comes to furry things.)

2. I've been tracking the money I spend each day. I started my month in NJ and every day since then, I spent very little money. $4 here, $15 there. Very little. Today? In ONE day? $126 out the door. We're talking groceries and transportation (and yes, one meal out). Even if you can handle your rent and utilities, just living here takes all the rest of your money plus some you do not have. And then laughs at you.

3. The non-stop comments and harassment. In the short walk home tonight, I had multiple people say things to me, either loudly or under their breath as they pass. I know that I call myself mama but you sir, do not have that right. Nor mami, sexy, honey, cutie, sweet thing, short stuff, or whatever you want to toss my way. Or just the un-namable hissing noise. WHAT is that? You ran out of words? You think I'm maybe attracted to a weird hissing? News flash: ain't nobody attracted to that. While I can ignore the comments, the nasty words or mean sentences are just awful. You can be as tough as nails but you still hear what they say.

4. It's so damn loud. Even now, nearing the middle of the night, an incredibly loud truck just barreled down my street. The honking, shouting, construction, sirens, beeping, booming noises are not necessary and hurt your ears and your future hearing. When my babies are here, I cover their furry little ears while we're out and a really loud thing goes zooming by. When I'm alone, I cover my own. More than this, people have conversations with others or on the phone, so very loudly. I do not need to know those personal details, thanks anyway. Sometimes I want to respond to them.

5. Everything is excusable. You're acting like a jerk? It's okay, you're living in NYC. You're acting entitled? Okie doke, New Yorker. You're obsessed with your career to an unhealthy point? Well great, you're in the best city for it! You can't afford to pay rent but you go out every night? Look at you living your Manhattan life. No. Nuh uh. Living in NYC does not excuse you from being a responsible adult, living a healthy and full life, and treating others with kindness and respect.

And now, because complaining is so not my thing, here are 5 things I really love about living here:

1. Experiences you truly can't have anywhere else. Case in point? I passed New York Fashion Week so many times today that I lost count. I got to watch the runway live on a giant screen. That same screen where I caught Opera a few weeks ago.

2. Finding sacred spaces. That perfect bench in Central Park? The way my fountains make me feel? Running along Riverside? The inside of that museum? The library tucked in the back? A certain coffee shop? They all feel like they were waiting, just for you, and they let you know they'll always be there.

3. Friends everywhere and any time. After having lunch with someone, another person texted me to see where I was, and I realized I was only a couple of blocks from him, so I stopped there to catch up in person. On any given day, if I start to feel lonely, I can meet up with a friend for coffee or a walk or whatever. They are all just a mere train ride or short walk away (that is, until they leave the city for good, which is a constant. Or, you know, go back on tour.).

4. So much theatre. So much art. So many artists. The creating energy is at an all time high.

5. New York City is like someone who practices tough love. You think you can't stand having this person around any more. Can't they just be kind? Can't they just help you? But, eventually, you realize it's for your own good, and that you're getting stronger and smarter and braver and more alive than you knew you could be. It's the biggest relief to get away from this city until that familiar ache hits. Like a lover that you just can't quit, or a best friend that you sometimes hate, she's right there waiting for you, arms wide open, any time you want.

The jury is out on whether or not I'll live here much longer, or for the rest of my life. I don't claim to know the future. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hide in my bed, and if you think I'm getting up to brush my teeth, you would be incorrect. Pray for me.

p.s. I'll be back to my regular blogging soon. Just lots going on in the life department. But hey, one perk of hiding here forever is that I'll have my laptop! things are looking up ;)

on MY PEOPLE, MY PEOPLE

This all started the other day. I was bounding out of my apartment, when I saw a girl across the street, mid-walk with her dogs. She had her face pressed into the furry face of her larger pup, and was talking softly to him, soothing him. And I thought: girl, you are my people.

So, without further adieu:

Girl on the street, with your dog standing on his hind legs, front paws wrapped around your waist, as you lean down to meet him face-to-face: you are my people.

Man bopping down the street, keeping beat with his steps and singing along nearly at full voice: you are my people.

Elderly couple who caught me mid-stretch, waiting for the elevator, and said "you better use it while you got it": you are my people.

Friend that referenced getting her tiara on as a way to celebrate a personal victory: you are my people.

Other friend who texted me a quote about keeping your head tall so your crown won't slip: you are my people.

My clients who tell me extravagant dreams with a look in their eyes that I won't be able to give words to: you are my people.

Older gentleman, carrying your dog on your waist, as though he was a toddler, one leg on each side of you, upper paws around your neck: you know you're my people.

Crazy facebook strangers who add me so we can share even more dogs in need, even though we've never met, have very little in common, and are far apart in distance and age: you are my people.

Girl explaining to her visiting relatives that the bags they have just offered to carry aren't very heavy at all, not in comparison to what she carries around during the week: you are my people.

Those who dive right in, and have no need for small talk when there is passion to discuss: you are my people.

Boy who took me on a date at 8:45 in the morning because that's the only free time we both have, face lit up with excitement for each piece, listening intently to me: you are so my people.

Girl that yells out each order as it is set on the counter, cause she does not have time for the loud customers everywhere: you are my people.

Room full of peers who were throwing their hands in the air, responding aloud to certain phrases, and yelling out in pure joy as the singers poured their souls out: you better believe you're my people.

Girl sitting to my left, just a few feet down, a book in your arms, legs crossed indian style, a total look of contentment on your face: you are my people.

Henry Elliot & Layla June: you are mommy's little furry people, yes you are, mommy loves you (you knew I'd sneak them in, right?).

Mr. President, calling out BSL for the bullshit that it is, and being super freaking cool always: you are my people!

Friend who took my hand, pulsating love from your being into mine, as you wrapped up a conversation with someone else: you are my people.

Girls on speaker phone, taking turns telling tales, interrupting each other, calling each other out, laughing: you've been my people since before we were really people.

Who are your people? xo

p.s. do you know what the title is from? I'll give you a hint: Lin-Manuel Miranda: you are my people!

on THREE YEARS WITH HENRY ELLIOT

On July 27, 2010, Henry Elliot Raleigh Alexander Anderson made his way into my life and picked me to be his mommy. This past Saturday, we celebrated three years together with a little outing to PetSmart. His sissy came, too, and he graciously allowed her to share in his day (as he was raised very well by his momma and is a polite and loving little bear). Check his face below, I just die.

Henry and Layla each picked out a toy. Hedgehogs for everyone! A tug-o-war style guy for Hens-El and a little pink one for La. Both mega-squeakers and good to toss.

Above: Henry: "Mom, this is the best day ever!" Layla: "I judge you."

Sleepiest bear in the world.

I don't know if you guys have caught on yet, but I love this tiny man with my entire heart. I still remember sitting with him on my dining room floor on that first day, how scared and small he was, and his foster mom asked if I was interested in keeping him or not. I immediately felt horrified that she even asked - this was my dog, my Henry. I just knew it. There's a bumper sticked commonly spotted on many a suburban vehicle, that reads: Who Rescued Who? (do note: I totally want one of these) and it couldn't be more true about my Hen. He saved me, he taught me what unconditional love looks like, what it feels like, and what matters.

Hen has taught me, you know, an exceptional amount of things. But this year, with the addition of Layla June, he's taken it up to a whole new level. Here's a few of the lessons baby bear has given me recently:

1. The people who love us are always there waiting for us. We can't be separated (truly separated) from those that share our hearts. Therefore distance ain't nothin but a different time zone.
2. We don't know what's coming next, but we can choose how we handle it. When I came home with La, Hen basically tried to eat her. He pouted and was hurt, but then.. he changed his mind. Decided to be friends. This past week, they attempted playing together (I cried). If my baby dog can choose the higher road, then I can, too.
3. Show your affection. Hen has taken to resting his head on my hand as he falls asleep. This gentle action makes my heart fill up and burst with love.
4. Treats are important. Have them often.
5. Fresh air is nearly always the answer. Leaping and playing in grass will also aid you in any decision making.
6. You have to play. You just have to. Daily. Often. Silliness and play time are clutch.
7. Get vocal about the people you love. This boy basically screams at the top of his lungs every time I come through the door. I could be gone 5 minutes or 5 days, and it's a freaking party up in here.
8. Sharing is cool, but sometimes you need to whine or gripe about someone trying to take your toys. Let it out, and then try to practice sharing again.
9. Naps. Naps, my friend. Very important. Fluff your blankets and pillows around a bit, too.
10. Words aren't as needed as we think. Henry tells me exactly what's up with his eyes, body, and actions.
11. Rejoice. Dance. Leap. Wave your front paws (arms) around wildly. Smile as wide and as big as you can. Show joy with your entire body. Wiggle. Shake your tail. Kiss the people you love. Roll around on your back. Stretch. Wear your love all over your body.

This is the story of how we came to be & this is what I wrote on our one-year of togetherness.
(Important to note that those years were really rough, and I was not in a great place. You'll catch on as you read some of the snark and hurt laced between those words.)

He is still, by far, the number one best decision I've ever made. He is my best friend, and I'm so proud to see him interacting with other doggies and people, and to see how much he's grown. The best lesson of all that he taught me, is that we all truly just need love and to know we are wanted, and trust that we belong. Those things heal us and shape us into our bravest, best selves.
Oh little bear, I love you so.

on BASKETBALL TEACHES YOU THINGS & STUFF

I've been watching the NBA finals over the past week.

I'll give you a minute to pick yourself up off from the floor. Don't forget to close your mouth that is surely hanging open.

Now that you're back with me, let's start again. I've been watching the finals, and before that, some of the playoffs. Here's what happened: one night, many a week ago, I went to meet my favorite boy type person for dinner, and he was ancy as all get out. This is not uncommon for him, but this ance had a special flavor to it, and it was quickly discovered "there's a game on!". Plans changed to ordering in, and watching the game. Well, actually, he watched and I.. a little bit watched, but mostly saw first-hand how happy this silly game seemed to make him. I happen to like things that make him happy, and trust his judgement on all most things fun, so I watched another game.. and it was interesting. By the third, I found myself seriously enjoying it. This was highly disturbing to me, as you may imagine. Actually, all of it is; I let us cancel our date to go watch basketball, and even paid for dinner (it's true), and then wound up liking the darn thing. It's yet to be determined if I'm the coolest girl ever, or just crazy. More on that later.

Fast forward and I've watched like.. seven games? Mostly I've watched them in conjunction with something else, flipping back and forth between things like The Bachelorette and The Tony Awards. A perfect fit, I'm sure you are thinking.

And since I'm a bit of a personal-growth-let's-learn-lessons-in-everything-person, I've realized that there's been quite a bit that I've learned during my new time as a basketball fan, both about the sport and about life.

1. Basketball is basically like a TV show or soap opera. Everyone is recurring, but there are stars, then supporting. So, if this was Pretty Little Liars, LeBron James would be Hannah (Ashley Benson), and Dwayne Wade would be Aria (Lucy Hale), and so on. And just like PLL, they are all hella dramatic. When someone falls, the world is ending. They lay there, drawing it out, waiting for the call from the ref. Everyone rushes over to help them up, as though they've been shot. When they're called on the foul, their eyes widen with innocence (Mr. James is super good at this, and looks about six years old). When they feel they've been shortchanged, they yell and make hand gestures, and just about have a fit. Oh, the drama.

2. Despite the drama, nobody really says anything bad about the other team. Actually, they say nice things. When a player is pulled aside to answer some quick questions, and the interviewer is all 'what's happening?', the player usually somehow compliments the other team. For example, they say things about how the other team/another player is really on their defense and working hard so they just have to work harder. They're also all very well spoken and never out of breath. How?

3. Ignore the praise. That's right, ignore it. If you make a basket and everyone cheers, and your fellow teammates are dancing around by the bench, you just make the shot and get on it with it. Back to the game. Focus on what you're doing. It's kind of crazy. If thousands of people were cheering for me for doing something well, I'd be all Taylor-Swift-Face-Making, like whooo me? Thank you, thank you! (You know what I mean if you've ever seen her accept an award.)

4. Practice really fucking hard at what you want to do. These guys are no joke. What does that book say? Outliers? That you must log 10,000 practice hours to achieve your goal? I'm gonna say these guys are at like 30,000. They've become the best at what they want to do, with diligence and practice.

5. Encourage each other. High fives for every little move. A little tap on the bottom doesn't hurt either. Actually the boys seem to enjoy this very much.

6. Work out. I mean, LOOK at them. It almost makes me want to get off the couch and put away the baked lays.

7. A small setback is no reason to quit. So you don't make a basket, okay, better stay on your feet because everyone else is still moving. The game is still going on. In the time that would be spent pouting, they could easily make a great block or rebound or something (look at me with the lingo!) that would also be super good.

8. On that same note, just because you have an off night personally, or just because your team loses a game, you can't dwell on it. You've just gotta keep hustling, keep moving, keep going. When I think of all the actor nonsense I've heard over not booking something and being in a funk for losing a role, holy potatoes. So if losing a role is akin to losing a game, I say no dwelling and get back on the court (in the audition room) and remember that you have no idea what will happen the next time.

9. Coordinating outfits with your friends is VERY IMPORTANT. It would be very embarrassing to show up in the same dress as a pal, right? Well imagine both teams showing up in the same color. The horror. Plus, super confusing. So outfits must be decided before hand. I get a good giggle over imagining the head coaches on the phone, arguing over who gets to wear white on which day.

10. Be the best at what you do. Then, find the other people who are best at what they do and team up with them. This seems to be what went down with the Heat. Or, okay, at least according to the Miami Heat fanatic who is singlehandedly educating me. So it could be that he was telling the story with pride and respect, but really some shady biz went down, I'm not sure, BUT it sounds like all of these super good players decided to figure out how to play together and make that happen. They could've been competitive with each other but instead they were all 'wait! I'm the best AND you're the best and we would be unstoppable.' Hello. Brilliant.

11. Cover your mouth if you're gossiping. You never know when a camera is on you.

12. Lastly, try something new. You might think you have very little interest in something.. say, for instance, basketball.. but then you try it out and start to learn some stuff and come to find that you're enjoying it. You may also find yourself up on your feet, yelling at the TV screen, and cheering in excitement. Hypothetical example, of course :)

Thus concludes the post I never thought I would write.

ON wanting

I want... 
to have all the answers now,
to surrender more,
to save every animal in need,
to spread compassion,
to always choose kindness (working on this),
to not be so fiery with my temper (really working on this),
to wake up earlier,
to go to bed earlier,
to paint more,
to Love first and foremost,
to say the right words,
to be easier on myself,
to be easier on you,
to sing more,
to sing more loudly,
to sing more bravely,
to take little weekend getaways,
to show my friends how worthy they are,
to write my truth,
to speak my truth,
to fall asleep next to you,
to encourage,
to dance more,
to adventure,
to be brave always,
to have my career and my relationship,
to create,
to sit under the stars with people i love,
to run easily again,
to be present,
to be.

what do you want?

ON Counting Them {Four}

Patience,

Henry Elliot,

Lady Laylee LaLa,

waking up to flowers that have bloomed,

being outside without a jacket,

dancing,

the sound of a whirling fan,

singing,

stretching,

waiting,

not waiting,

instagram,

my momma,

pushing through it,

root beer,

asking scary questions,

asking total strangers scary questions,

the kindness of others,

meditation,

catching the train just as it's arriving,

mexican food,

the way you look at me when i talk,

the way you look at me when i surprise you,

really just the way you look at me,

psalm 59:16,

Broadway shows,

palm trees,

Demi Lovato,

fresh air pouring into the room,

ceiling fans (& the longing for a ceiling fan),

brainstorming,

bravery,

kissing,

short skirts & being young enough to wear them,

lace,

a stack of new books to dive into,

central park,

listening,

brussel sprouts,

avocados,

painting,

Love.

i am grateful for you.

previously: 3 / 2 / 1

ON Getting To Know You, Getting To Know All About You (OR; Hello!)

Recently, I've noticed a lot of brand new followers that have come my way due to the incredible giveaway (that you totally should enter before Friday) I'm a part of. To you newbies, I say hello! Hola! Holler! Yes, that's right, holler with an e and an r.

Figure it's only right to catch you up to speed since you're new round these parts. So here's some info about me I think you may want to know:

First and foremost, I have the world's cutest dogs. What's that? YOU have the world's cutest dog(s)?! Okay, it's totally a tie and SEND ME PICTURES! J/k about the tie, not j/k about the pictures. Please & thank you.

Henry Elliot Raleigh Alexander is my munchkin man, my little bear, my tiny baby, my HensElliot, my first born. To say I'm obsessed with him is an understatement. Hen came to me through a rescue group and was originally born in a puppy mill. Due to the mill, he is fearful, anxious and distrusting. But his momma is on the case and he's doing a whole lot better now than he was when we became mother and child back in 2010.

Ladybugs is my boo, my bug, my LaLa, my LaLaLopolis, my baby girl. She is my foster dog with Dogs Without Borders and we fell in love in Los Angeles this past January. She came back to NYC with me and we are looking forward to getting back to LA very soon.

Speaking of, I live in three different states. Try that on for size. I divide my time between NYC, LA, and the grand state of NJ. No, you may not mock it. Yes, we all may mock snooki. No, I have never watched Jersey Shore (swear). Yes, I can pack for a long trip in under a half hour. Yes, I love traveling.

I'm an actress by profession. There's a good chance that I've toured through your city or at least several that you've heard of. I do musical theatre, voice over, commercials and am planning to take over ABCFamily shows any day now. The day I'm on Pretty Little Liars is the day I pass out in excitement.

When I'm not acting, singing, writing music, or doing voiceovers.. I'm a social media strategist, blogger for an interior design brand, and I run my own doggy nannying service in NYC. So mostly I am running from one thing to the next, laughing about how ridiculous it is, and enjoying the chaos.

I'm obsessed with design. Interior, graphic, typography, clothing, textiles, you name it and I love it. I want to learn printmaking something wicked.

I'm on a mission to get every single shelter and abandoned dog into a loving and forever home. To this end, I post dogs non-stop on my Facebook feed, work with an extensive amount of rescue groups, educate friends (and strangers) on the importance of spaying, neutering, and adopting dogs as opposed to buying from a breeder or (god forbid) a puppy store. If you ever want to add a dog into your life, email me and I'll help you find your perfect rescue pup.

 

I'm vegan. Except when it comes to pancakes because I cannot resist the cake that pans. I have a problem.

I'm a meditator, practice the Paradox Process, and have seen my entire life change from these two things (and a strong conviction to change). I'm also a trained life coach and odds are, I want to life coach you or talk to you about meditation or the Process.

I have a firm life rule: always buy yourself flowers. Even if other people are! This is symbolic of knowing how to treat yourself kindly, put yourself un-selfishly first, appreciate the little things, and choose to do what makes you happy. Kind of hard to explain but try it.

If I wasn't an actress, I'd be an interior designer and yes, I would like to design your home and organize your closet, please.

I believe in living my very best life. Firmly. Not in an Oprah type of way, but in a Kerry type of way. I feel the only limits we have are the ones we create for ourselves and that we can overcome anything by identifying it and working like hell to change it.

I turn my cell phone off a lot. Like, a lot. At least twice a day but usually more at night. Or it's on silent.

I'm currently having a little love affair with the show Hart of Dixie, but my all time favorite is Gilmore Girls. Both are/were filmed on the same set which just makes it all even more spectacular.

I keep a tiara next to my bed and wear it when I'm cleaning, writing, or just need to remind myself of my own greatness. I highly suggest this along with the flowers.

Happy to have you here, feel free to email me or leave me a comment and I'll write you back :)

ON Something About It

There is something about the way flowers present themselves to us - hello, I'm here, I'm open, I'm for you - that makes me fall in love with all of them, notice each one.

There is something about the way I seem to always be within feet of my favorite bloggers lately - at least according to instagram photos, posted of places I had just been at, too.

There is something about the fact that you can still surprise me, and the rapid speed at which you are doing it lately.

There is something about wearing heels in New York City that seems fleeting, and incredibly important to do now, while I still can.

There is something about saying no that feels powerful.

There is something about saying yes that feels powerful.

There is something about forgetting to respond, a phone on silent, an email inbox so full it causes winces upon sight, that is so completely okay, because it means I'm living.

There is something about the way it feels to just not know and be okay with that.

There is something about having a made up bed and a clean home that makes me feel calmer, more sane, and more productive.

There is something about Central Park that makes me think New York City is actually sort of wonderful.

There is something about having an audition for a musical that makes my stomach flip flop and my skin tingle in a way I thought I lost years ago.

There is something about releasing all expectations, letting it show up as it is, that makes everything seem sweeter.

There is something about this exact second that feels perfect and meant.

ON what it looks like

one / two / three

this is what it looks like:

it's waking up with someone who immediately reaches for you to pull you in closer.

it's staying in bed far too long after the alarm has gone off because you just can't leave.

it's driving around in circles because it's more fun than anywhere you could end up.

it's someone listening to you and remembering everything you say.

it's someone bringing you flowers because flowers are important to you.

it's having the best damn time grocery shopping.

it's slow dancing in the living room.

it's saying literally anything without any boundaries, shocking even yourself as the words come out.

it's the other person willingly eating vegan food, no complaints, no jokes.

it's an all day, every day texting stream and phone calls from someone who 'hates the phone'.

it's spending an abnormally long amount of time with the same person and enjoying it so much.

it's someone making you lunch, without you asking, because you're in a rush.

it's wanting to stay home together instead of going out (and only being mildly freaked out by that).

it's laughing a lot, i mean like a lot, a lot.

it's running errands.

it's having the same values.

it's naturally sliding your fingers into his.

it's none of the shit that you thought it was before or the stuff friends/media/etc like to tell you it is.

it's being inspired to step it up in every area.

it's someone kissing your hand all the time.

it's someone stopping you to tell you that you look beautiful.

it's suddenly actually caring about something that you truly never did before, just because the other one does.

it's really fucking easy.

it's someone making you into a nicer, kinder, more attentive person.

it's someone calling you out on your bullshit.

it's knowing someone instantly, and totally.
it's knowing that it may be for right now or it may be for always, but either way there are important lessons made just for you that could only be taught just by him.
it's mushy blog posts like these that make you only slightly uncomfortable.

that was it, i swear. but then my best friend was by tonight and she said for her, it's hearing her fella's heartbeat. (okay, she didn't say fella, but that's how i speak, soo there's that.) how sweet is that? there's something so calming and inviting to her about hearing his heart. in 24 years of friendship, i've never heard her say that before :)

okay, now back to our regularly scheduled sarcasm and wit and general observing of life and writing about dogs.

xo

ON counting them even more

Lady,

patterns,

target,

flea markets,

the feeling of not being alone,

being alone,

long drives,

vegan thai iced tea,

stretching,

kissing,

more kissing,

and also some kissing,

how i met your mother,

taye diggs right there in front of me,

a working, non-cracked phone,

remembering what it feels like to be without a phone,

trusting in it,

skype,

avocados (which i imagine are on every list),

late late nights and early early mornings,

chocolate,

record players,

hipster glasses,

doggie sized t-shirts,

sitting in the passenger seat,

pie,

awareness,

meditation,

instability,

faith,

the kind of boots you can rely on,

the kind of man you can rely on,

people who help rescue animals,

deep breaths,

afternoon walks,

lollipops,

trader joe's,

driving in circles,

my bravery,

your bravery,

clear communication,

sending letters and cards and gifts,

sliding in socks on wooden floors,

patience,

Love.

i am grateful for you.

ON five for friday {three}

Five Facts for you from this week:

1. this picture is here to remind you that warm weather does, in fact, exist. seems like all my favorite people are in freezing cold places (twitter and facebook have been keeping me posted on your thoughts about it) and just a pleasant reminder that it's almost the end of January and then February is super short and you're almost out of the woods. Or, you know, just move to LA with me!!!

2. third week in my acting class and finally, finally felt like i was back to being over the moon for this place. a nice reminder to keep going back until your gut says otherwise.

3. actors: don't let 'em tell you what does and doesn't work. you wanna blindly email some agents/managers you don't know? go right ahead. worked for me yet again this week. this goes for everyone: don't let anyone tell you "how something is". all they can tell you is what they've heard or their experience. try it anyway.

4. grocery shopping can literally change your entire outlook on life. fact. same goes for exercising, sleeping, singing really loud while driving, showering and getting dressed up.

5. i miss Henry. i mean, you saw that one coming, right?

And Five Faves:

1. made it through my second class here without feeling like death was approaching me. do you have one in your city? have you gone?

2. i mean.. doesn't hurt to check in on this. speaking as one. also: acting school founder! holler!

3. i'm unable to watch this without bursting out with laughter. i tend to watch hulu later at night (night owls: who's with me?!) and this can be a problem when others are, you know, trying to sleep.

4. Mayor Cory Booker has my heart, politically speaking. He's a real life superhero! Did you hear about how he rescued this sweet pup?

5. You know how I talk about your inner compass a lot? Lissa calls it your inner pilot light and has a bit to say on it.

Enjoy your weekend! See you on Monday :) xo

ON facts, yo

So I saw a little link up that's been going around (um, like, HUNDREDS of blogs have linked up on this so way to go, Whitney, well done indeed) and I decided to join it. Because it's 10:30 west coast time and mostly everyone I know is sleeping and it's that or watch Bunheads. Which I will do next.

If you're new to my blog, YES, I truly am this fascinating. Get ready to be blown away by even more facts..

FACT: as briefly mentioned above, I totally watch shows like Bunheads. Or basically anything else on ABCFamily. Don't even get me started on Pretty Little Liars. I watched the past three seasons all within the month of December and I actually feel myself considering the idea of starting over again..

FACT: my dog is my whole heart. I am totally that dog momma. However, I still fully judge other crazy dog mom's who have reached the level of putting shoes or accessories on their pups. Hen can rock a sweater (hello, he gets cold) but no way is he wearing anything with glitter.

FACT: I just up and moved myself 3,000 miles across the country and feel darn well right at home.

FACT: I think fear is a waste of time. Doesn't mean I don't feel fear.

FACT: I am horrible at calling people back, responding to texts, replying to emails, etc. Just the worst. There is only one exception to this rule and that is when my favorite man person is not doing his best job at responding. Then you'd think I was someone who nevverrr dared to miss even a minute of a call, much less be the type that has friends asking if you've fallen off the face of the earth. Double standards. Gotta love 'em.

FACT: I love chocolate. I mean I really love chocolate.

FACT: If there's a wooden floor and I'm wearing socks, I will slide across it.

FACT: I dance while driving, in the shower, in living rooms, in grocery stores. Yesterday I was with one person I barely know, another I had literally just met, and a pal of mine, and I just broke out into the running man move.

FACT: Gilmore Girls is now and will forever be my favorite show. I often find myself saying, OUT LOUD, "What would Lorelai Do?" and also: "You know what we need? We need Gilmore!" and then putting it on. As I own all seven seasons.

FACT: I often call my mom while I'm standing on the sidewalk somewhere in the city and tell her I'm hungry but I can't figure out what to eat. And I'll stay standing there until I figure it out. People love when you stand in the middle of the sidewalk in nyc, you should definitely try it.

FACT: I just love blogging. I do. Someday I obviously plan to have a hold on the entire industry and be running this damn show but even then I plan to love it.

FACT: At this point, when I watch award shows or tv shows or movies, it's now become "oh that's so and so's friend" or "wait, that guy was at that party" or "so and so says she is the sweetest girl". And I feel really cool but I also kind of miss feeling so completely separate and far from this industry. It was very magical then. Except I like being in it, too.

FACT: I'm vegan. On occasion I will eat something that isn't vegan. Like today, I ate pancakes at a diner. Pretty damn sure they weren't vegan. This is okay. I never ever eat any meat, fish, or cheese, or anything with cream or lots of milk in it. But something like pancakes where there's probably a little milk, a little eggs.. I'll do it.

FACT: I have this weird thing where I want to redecorate everyone's homes. Or like rearrange their furniture. Instead, I just move my own around in circles and change my decor a lot. Um, you know, when I actually live somewhere, that is.

FACT: I'm currently living out of a suitcase. I also did this for 2009 and 2010. And I fucking love it. It's weirdly freeing to not have so many choices or be bogged down by so many things. Though I do miss my shoes. And my books. And my bed...

FACT: I learned how to sing classically (read: opera) before I "learned" how to sing anything else. And by learned, I mean in regards to singing lessons. I wasn't a weird two year old naturally singing Opera instead of The Wheels On The Bus.

FACT: If you bring up a movie and are like 'you've seen that right?', the answer will be no. Just never saw any of those movies that everyone sees.

FACT: Hummus and pita chips. Hummus. And. Pita. Chips. All day, every day.

FACT: The idea of working at a desk/in corporate america/in a 9 to 5 makes me horrified. I worked in an office for one month this past summer and I cried - in the office - my first few days there. And I cried nearly every day after that for the whole month. Near the end, I realized I wasn't crying and I didn't mind going there so much and THAT is when I realized that shit needed to get the hell out of my life fast. You can beat the spirit out of someone but only until they remember it's missing.

FACT: When I juice fruits and veggies every day, my life is exponentially better. It just is.

FACT: Today, in my audition, I referred to myself as a hippie freak. And quite liked it.

FACT: I want a big house with lots of open space and massive amounts of natural light and multiple decks/porches/balconies. Near the beach or at least close enough to drive to without having to pack the whole car up like it's a vacation. And also, a car.

FACT: Chalkboard walls. Swoon. And old things made new. And crafting. And wooden floors. And tables made out of reclaimed wood. And golden yellows and robin's egg blue and greys. All the shades of grey. Except the book since I did not and will not read anything that everyone and their mother claims you mussttt readdd.

FACT: Which, yes, means I did not read Harry Potter and the anything ever.

FACT: Sometimes I'm so overcome with my desire to perform and tell stories and act that I feel like I might explode, it's so much. Sometimes I feel nothing for it at all and think I should do interior design. Or host an interior design show.. and back we go to the acting. Circles, friends.

FACT: I toured the whole country and Canada. Hence that suitcase thing. I always felt like I was getting away with something every paycheck I got.

FACT: You get to choose happiness. So pick it.

FACT: Leave me a comment below and tell me a fact about you. xo

ON Counting Them Some More

late night creativity,

henry elliot,

library books,

stretching,

the one train,

photobucket,

first position (the film),

first position (the stance),

elephant sanctuaries,

peacefood cafe,

not knowing,

red sparkly nail polish,

lincoln center,

patience,

having a table to eat at,

and chairs to sit in,

the crunch into an apple,

one pink wall,

the words "it's about damn time",

abcfamily,

broccoli,

jason katims,

momma,

emails from The Universe,

eyelash curlers,

late nights in brooklyn,

live theatre,

paper plates,

the people who selflessly work to save animals,

pajamas,

the ability to take a breath in and let one out and repeat,

mint green,

recognizing the differences between now and before,
almond milk,

saying yes,

saying no,

meditation,

dancing as you clean/eat/wash/dress/brush/sit,

authenticity,

stationary,

purple pens,

knowing you will when you want to,

Love:

i am grateful for you.

part one / part two

On Five for Friday {three}

This edition of Five For Friday is a little something called: my life is in shambles, let's write about it! Ready? Super, let's go.

Five Facts:
1. Little timeline for you: Tuesday I went back into the city, Wednesday was a super fun day, Thursday night I decide it seems like a fine time to start packing for my move on Saturday morning. A few hours into my delightfully fun packing adventure and BAM. Hit with the sicks. The "oh-my-gosh-what-is-happening-am-I-dying" kind. Like a truck had done gone ahead and run me over. Couldn't move, couldn't swallow, couldn't speak, and the worst is I kept waking up all night. You guys. Yikes.

2. Which brings me to: I think I have the coolest doctor in the world. Not only did she stay past her normal hours so she could see me, but her office is lined with Broadway posters, only plays alternative rock, and has a rescue dog in the office that just roams around. Everyone that works there is amazing.

3. I had a last minute audition on Wednesday where I had to sing Auld Lang Syne. Did you know that it is mostly in another language? Because I did not. Good news is that I had such a fun time in the audition, shooting the shit, and being silly, and was just myself - which I tell you is the only key to this business - and then totally forgot about it until the next day when I had missed two emails and a phone call from the casting director checking to see if I was available for the shoot. Cross your fingers and toes, friends.

4. I don't really have that much stuff. Honest. I've purged and relocated things and downsized. And yet, somehow.. I have.. so much stuff. I honestly can't believe how many books I have. And the tricky thing about books is that they're heavy. Did you all know that? Books are heavy. This is why you read my blog, right? For life changing information like this. I know, I know.

5. One of my all time favorite quotes in the world is "There are these people, who, like, know you in this way, that other people can't. Because they've seen you change. They've let you change." If you google that you will find that it's from My So-Called Life, which, as we know, is a mastery of art and human emotions. But this week really exemplified that for me. The people who just roll through the endless tides of change that is me. And the way they just love me no matter what. It's mind boggling. I think a big facet of that is allowing myself to see the ways they're loving me, you know what I mean? Instead of having some conceptual idea of what love should be/look/sound/feel like, paying attention to all the tiny little things that are exactly someone loving you.

Five Faves:
1. This Holiday playlist. Download it (for free) and Be Merry.

2. I'm having a moment with this color. (I have an ongoing moment with this store. We had quite a few moments today, come to think of it.)

3. This bag. Now must just sit patiently and wait for a sale.

4. iGive. Because if you haven't noticed from my last two faves, 'tis the season where people shop, yo.

5. One of my all time favorite blogs. I love the way Bridget takes these teeny tiny simple things and strings them together to create these beautiful truths. Plus, her dogs are adorable and she loves books. Swoon.

P.S. I would like to note that it is again Sunday when I'm posting this. So maybe it's like Five for your next Friday. Or Five for your day when you have a lot of time off and can click/read everything. So basically, I'm doing this delay in posting for you.

On Five for Friday {two}

Five For Friday... on a Sunday! (I mean, it was a holiday and all..)

Five Facts:
1. Henry got a fur cut yesterday and didn't talk to me for an hour afterwards, but you'll be happy to hear I won his love back with potato chips. Bribery, friends, bribery. Since then I've been wrapping him up in blankets since he is now shivering from his short new 'do. Excellent mothering, no?

2. If I don't get a certain amount of alone time, I am sunk. This week I accidentally planned three things that involved groups of people, back to back to back, and about halfway through I thought I was a goner. When I need a good laugh, I imagine myself working in a big office, surrounded by people all day. Oh boy, oh boy.

3. Important lesson: when one paints one's nails in bed, one may end up with purple nail polish all over one's bedspread. All. Over. It.

4. This year was the first Thanksgiving where I had a vegan version of turkey and vegan deserts. This is big, people. I also did my afternoon meditation despite the clamoring going on around the house and the various relatives who were whisper-asking my mom just what exactly was I doing. I maybe forgot to give a disclaimer first and I also maybe did this in the middle of the living room.

5. A mix cd is a most excellent super good gift. Even better when coming from the hands of a handsome man person. If I was given only mix cd's and flowers for the rest of my life, I would be the happiest in all the land. Ahem. Please do take note.

Five Faves:
1. Favorite poem (this week). The last line, friends. Delicious.

2. Favorite current read.

3. Favorite things to browse lately.

4. Favorite new blog. Though you probably already know about it..

5. Favorite video of the week. Because, I mean, COME ON.

Okay now, whatcha got for me? Favorite links?

Favorite facts from your week? Favorite favorites? What? xo

On Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving, friends.

To be honest, this is my least favorite holiday.

I am a vegan, you know. The whole giant bird on a table just doesn't sit well with me.

But.. the actual meaning behind today.. the giving thanks.. I am so down with that.

So, like many others have today, here's a little list of some of what I'm grateful for.

I am grateful for.. 

my Henry Elliot Pup, curious minds, creativity, music,

being able to hear and see and speak and smell and dance and stretch and sing,

elephants, making art, figuring out challenges, asparagus, feet to stand on, manicures,

food to eat, my bed, the books I fall asleep with in my bed, my family, my girlfriend soulmates,

this here little blog and the people that read it, the humans that defend and care for animals,

laughing from that place right within your gut, abcfamily shows, big dreams,

tomatoes, gut instinct, letterpress, fresh flowers, interior design, tedtalks,

making out, giving, avocados, the silent way truths are spoken, meditation,

the people that are sent to us for reasons beyond our understanding, chocolate, peonies,

pianos, sand in your toes and your car and your clothes, knowing, not knowing,

airports, tea, mentors, seekers, dogs, lavender, live theatre, joy racing through you,

poetry, hummus, blank paper and purple pens to fill them up with, maps,

your mind and your heart and your mouth and your face, scrabble, patience, and myself.

What are you grateful for this Thanksgiving? xo