on MY PEOPLE, MY PEOPLE

This all started the other day. I was bounding out of my apartment, when I saw a girl across the street, mid-walk with her dogs. She had her face pressed into the furry face of her larger pup, and was talking softly to him, soothing him. And I thought: girl, you are my people.

So, without further adieu:

Girl on the street, with your dog standing on his hind legs, front paws wrapped around your waist, as you lean down to meet him face-to-face: you are my people.

Man bopping down the street, keeping beat with his steps and singing along nearly at full voice: you are my people.

Elderly couple who caught me mid-stretch, waiting for the elevator, and said "you better use it while you got it": you are my people.

Friend that referenced getting her tiara on as a way to celebrate a personal victory: you are my people.

Other friend who texted me a quote about keeping your head tall so your crown won't slip: you are my people.

My clients who tell me extravagant dreams with a look in their eyes that I won't be able to give words to: you are my people.

Older gentleman, carrying your dog on your waist, as though he was a toddler, one leg on each side of you, upper paws around your neck: you know you're my people.

Crazy facebook strangers who add me so we can share even more dogs in need, even though we've never met, have very little in common, and are far apart in distance and age: you are my people.

Girl explaining to her visiting relatives that the bags they have just offered to carry aren't very heavy at all, not in comparison to what she carries around during the week: you are my people.

Those who dive right in, and have no need for small talk when there is passion to discuss: you are my people.

Boy who took me on a date at 8:45 in the morning because that's the only free time we both have, face lit up with excitement for each piece, listening intently to me: you are so my people.

Girl that yells out each order as it is set on the counter, cause she does not have time for the loud customers everywhere: you are my people.

Room full of peers who were throwing their hands in the air, responding aloud to certain phrases, and yelling out in pure joy as the singers poured their souls out: you better believe you're my people.

Girl sitting to my left, just a few feet down, a book in your arms, legs crossed indian style, a total look of contentment on your face: you are my people.

Henry Elliot & Layla June: you are mommy's little furry people, yes you are, mommy loves you (you knew I'd sneak them in, right?).

Mr. President, calling out BSL for the bullshit that it is, and being super freaking cool always: you are my people!

Friend who took my hand, pulsating love from your being into mine, as you wrapped up a conversation with someone else: you are my people.

Girls on speaker phone, taking turns telling tales, interrupting each other, calling each other out, laughing: you've been my people since before we were really people.

Who are your people? xo

p.s. do you know what the title is from? I'll give you a hint: Lin-Manuel Miranda: you are my people!

On Volpone

Last Friday night, one of my nearest and dearest gave me tickets to see 'Volpone'.

I knew literally nothing about this going into it except that the author was Ben Jonson

(and admittedly, I had been spelling his name JoHnson until seeing this show.. theatre kid here..)

and I wasn't really sure what "classical theatre" mixed with "comedy" mixed with a eunuch would be.

It was hysterical and kept my attention the entire time. All of the actors were unreal and the lead alone was like a mini-masterclass in clowning and physicality. The show reminded me of the importance of breath and using one's full voice (yep, seriously) and.. of rolling with the punches.

When the show had to be stopped about halfway through the second act, they all rolled with it!

The magick of live theatre! Where no one knows what will happen.

Which also explains that last picture, in case you're like "yo, you uploaded the wrong pic here".

A short time later, the problem was solved, and the show was back up and running.

And those actors.. well, they never missed a beat, and even made the interruption work for them.

Go see 'Volpone' if you're in the NYC area.

And do please look for the talented fella with the three silly red buns on his head ;)

Thanks again, SPD! xo

p.s. yeah, i linked you to sparknotes up there. keepin it classy, friends.

On Required Reading (theatre folk especially)

"During our conversation, he hands down several tabletsful of similarly exacting commandments, about playwriting and life. Never work on anything you’re not enjoying; “otherwise it’s just typing.” Never criticize what you’re writing while you’re writing it. Live in the reality of what’s happening, not in your interpretation of it. Every time you write a play, write the first play anybody’s ever written. Don’t strategize your feelings; just feel. Don’t write to solve your problems; you won’t."

from 'How Edward Albee Is Still Redefining Himself, 50 Years After Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolf'
[by Jesse Green, New York Magazine]

truthFULL: the business of being happy

i make a mental note to call the union soon to find out if i can change my name. then i judge myself for that because if i'm not doing theatre anymore, why do i need to check in with the theatre union? then i judge myself for judging myself, quickly become distracted by something else and forget about it all until i remember again.

i analyze what each choice would mean, just as i analyzed what the first one meant, until i am exhausted and don't make any choices at all.
__

"i think it would be okay to fully quit if i knew i was done with it. i don't think there's anything wrong with changing careers if you know you've gotten everything you can out of them. but i can't figure it out yet. i can't tell if it's just because i'm scared or if i'm really just done with that part of my life."

she was silent for a few minutes because she already knew the answer. we both did.

"well.. i guess the only way to really know is to try, right?"
__

sometimes i miss performing like a gust of wind has smacked me in the face, like someone has sucker-punched me in the gut, like ice cold water has just touched the tips of my toes in that way that jolts your body making it so you want it to stop and go on all at the same time.

i indulge myself in a moment of nostalgia: the way the microphone tape felt, the way the numbers are printed along the front of stages, that sound of the hands coming together with such force and might that you can actually feel the energy of the movement.

i indulge myself in a moment of fantasy: the way the clapper sounds, the senseless hours kept of saying the same lines over and over until you feel like a crazy person, being clear across the country, stuck in traffic and late to set.

ice water on toes. too much.
__

he had come out of the apartment across the way and said hello to the wriggling dog attached to the other end of the leash.

"you walk him?"


"yeah! i love this little guy. i stay with him all day."


"that's nice. like his babysitter. so, you are a dog walker?"


"no, i'm an actress. this is just supplemental."

i stepped in the elevator, startled at how naturally i had claimed the title. "i'm an actress". bold, loudly and outside of my mind.
__

"you know what i think it is? i didn't really use to like myself, you know? so i used acting as a crutch, a way to avoid myself by playing other people. but now.. well, now i think i'm awesome so it's kind of more a matter of figuring out what being an actor means now. if it's not to run from myself anymore."

"makes sense."

it was quiet again for awhile before i spoke again, finalizing this part of the conversation:

"i'm not so much in the business of show as i am in the business of being happy. my goal right now is to do whatever brings me joy. when it's time, i'll act again. it's just a matter of when it's supposed to happen."

truthFULL: musical theatre

i picked up the phone on the third ring and we chatted briefly, it had been awhile:

"what's new, honey?"

"well, actually, things are starting to pick up."

"oh! tell me, tell me."

"i think i might get to watch this dog in this gorgeous apartment every day."

... and then i realized she probably thought i was going to say something about acting.

it's strange that despite my incredible love for voice over, with almost daily auditions and one of the best agencies in the business, i still don't consider myself to be pursuing acting. honestly, i'm not sure i ever will if theatre isn't involved; the word 'acting' was synonymous to 'theatre' for so very long. musical theatre, to be correct. sometimes i laugh at the thought of a future me with a recurring role on a tv show, sitting on set, talking on the phone and explaining that 'i'm not really acting anymore'.

for now, i've learned to say that i'm not currently pursuing musical theatre at this moment, that i've found things i love more right now. 'at this moment' and 'right now' being key phrases because i truly don't know if i'll ever return to it. all i know is right this second.

i will, however, tell you that when i hear news of another friend achieving the broadway dream, getting cast in a show, or when i see friends' facebook photos of life on tour or in glamorous places, or even just hearing the opening credits of an episode of 'smash' with the orchestra warming up, it's like hearing someone say the name of your ex. that sort of pulling feeling, the tugging on your heart. not because you're not over him but because you loved him and he was such a large part of your life for so long. that feeling. but then again, for me, musical theatre might be that ex who you run into a few times, who still hangs with some of your friends. the one you eventually get back together with, not because he is the love of your life but because he is comfortable, because you know him so well. the relationship where maybe you're not totally who you truly are but it's nice to have someone to go to weddings with. something easy. and it that's the case - well, i don't want it.

we shall see.

TruthFULL: Live the Questions.

Every day I try to ask myself a question for how I want to live each day.

Often I'll let the question be: "What do I - just me and not anyone else - want to do today?"

Sometimes it's less surface level: "How can I give today?"

On Monday, I decided to ask myself "How can I be more Loving today?"

And all day long, I practiced: when I found myself being snarky or witty, instead of opening up my heart, I corrected myself and said what I really meant. When I found myself stressing over the slower-than-snails pace the people in front of me were keeping, I let my heart view the situation instead.

I continued this on Tuesday and was feeling really great except there was still something off. By the time I got to her that evening, I was perplexed.

"I really like my life, you know? I'm happy, I feel great, I love that I'm the type of person that juices kale in the mornings and goes to the gym and meditates. I like that I'm the person I've always wanted to be."

She nodded because she gets it.

"But.. it's like there's still something just not right. Like there's still something that stops me from truly getting to where I want to be and what I want."

She smiled because she lets me sort it out on my own.

"I mean, maybe.. do you think.. it's because I sort of still walk around with my guard up? As though I've got a giant shield in front of me, you know, just in case?"

She burst out laughing because, well, of course.

So, yesterday, on Wednesday, when I woke up, I decided my question would be:

"How can I let down my guard today and let the world in a little more?"

I turned it into an adventure: what would happen?! How would it feel? Could I even do it?

All day, I visualized dropping the giant shield, breaking it, setting it off to the side, whatever.

When people said hello to me, I smiled or said hi back and kept walking. Instead of, you know, silently cursing them in my head or rolling my eyes. When the delivery men came to install my new stove, I chatted with them, helped in whatever way I could and learned a bit about them. Instead of being panic stricken, convinced I'd end up as a Lifetime channel movie-of-the-week. When my roommate's friends arrived today for a visit, I talked to them and enjoyed their presence instead of immediately being quiet or removing myself from their time together.

And then the coolest things began to happen: I reconnected with an old friend. I got an opportunity I've been wishing for. My favorite vegan food truck, The Cinnamon Snail, surprised me by filling a bag with a bunch of free treats, since it was the end of their day. I was given a free ticket to see a Broadway show I've been wanting to see. My birthday plans magically came together in an easy way. Everything felt light and easy and free and fun.

The shield tried to revive itself all day. It fought this new idea like it was in a war. But every time I felt myself closing off again, I just gently put it back down and kept trying. The best part is never once did I get frustrated with myself. Never once did I freak out and get mad at myself. I just kept trying.

Rilke had it right, friends. Live those questions.

What question are you living by today? What question can be an overall compass for your day? If you pick one, embrace it, keep it in your mind and then watch as answers start pouring in.

Some of the unexpected treats that came along today.

If a free 'smores vegan donut isn't proof that good things are flowing,

then I do not know what is.

FULLlife: The Columnist

Last night I was invited to the opening night of The Columnist!

Starring John Lithgow, it was the world premiere of playwright David Auburn's latest piece. 

The Columnist tells the story of Joseph Alsop, a D.C. journalist, his life choices, and his family.

While the play is a bit long, with some political and historical references 

that were above my head, it's an interesting story, well written, with a talented cast. 

John Lithgow, in particular, is a one-man masterclass in acting.

The few comedic moments his character had were outstanding and after curtain call, while he was calling the cast back out to stage to bow again, the curtain began to close and he made a bit out of it, leaving the entire audience with laughter after such a serious piece.

Paparazzi taking pictures of the celebrities arriving.

We entered in the fancy stage door which, as we all know, is where the super famous people arrive.

The Samuel J. Friedman Theatre

I always feel so cool when I get to go to openings or previews of shows.

Dress rehearsals make me particularly giddy with importance.

And I am very, very grateful for every single one of them.

Many thanks, G.

Where You Lead:

Something incredible happened recently: I met Alexis Bledel.

There are a few key things you should know about me: I love my dog more than most humans, I enjoy a good adventure, I frequently wear a tiara for inspiration and I have a slight obsession with Gilmore Girls.

So, as you may imagine, anything involving anyone from the show would delight me. But one of THEE Gilmore girls? If Lauren Graham had also been there, I honestly would have had to sit down.

Here's what I wore:

Top: Forever 21; Sweater: Urban Outfitters; Jeans: J Brand; Boots: Modcloth (& Vegan!)

Nails: Purple with a Purpose, OPI. / Redheaded bombshell: Gillian.

This outfit felt casual enough that I could have easily been coming from work but also cute enough that I wasn't too underdressed. I had worn the jeans and sweater all day, only swapping out the top and my boots in place of my daytime converse kicks. What would you wear to meet one of your idols?

Alexis (I use her first name as we are now obvs bff) is currently in Manhattan Theatre Company's new play "Regrets". It boasts a terrific cast and I was honored to attend the first preview and after-party. Check it out if you're in town. And if you've never seen my favorite TV show, catch a rerun sometime. Lauren Graham, Melissa McCarthy & Alexis teach a masterclass in comedy during each episode.

Many thanks to G for bringing me along and for dealing with my minor squeals of excitement, over-enthusiastic giddiness, and for taking outfit pics in the office.