on HEARING AND SEEING

I can and I will.

I heard it clear as a whistle, my body sunk into my bed, laptop in front of me, freshly used notebook to my right, piled on top of three larger notebooks, my organizational system of life.

I can and I will.
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We'd had this conversation before.

"You love to look busy", she said, "it's a great distraction. You're doing so much and yet, you're doing nothing."

"Yeah. I know. So what, then? What do I do? What am I not doing? What am I missing?"
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I remember the first time I heard one of these phrases. Truths that are placed gently into my mind, incredibly soft and loud at the same time. Little lightening bolts of honesty. Maybe it had happened before, but June 29, 2010, sitting in that airport, was the first time I can remember. Like a rush, woosh, a steady voice, words I didn't know I needed. A gift.

These eight words are still only for me, kept tucked into my soul, running through my mind, motivating and reminding me. Maybe it was the first time I was hearing myself. Maybe, there in the noisy space of an airport, with the culmination of those eighteen months, and the fear of the unknown boiling within, maybe it was the first time my own voice could get through, or maybe it was the first time I was able to hear my guiding source. Maybe they are the same thing. It's hard to be sure. Hearing with your gut, your heart, is so very different than hearing with ears.

I grabbed my journal and wrote the phrase, tucked into the corner of one of the pages, before I could forget, saving it for when I would need to find it again.
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He was up on his feet now. A sure sign that something important was coming, the kind of words that require his entire body's support underneath them.

"I know what you say you want. But I also see what you're doing. And they don't match up."

Fiery, I am. Passionate, I am. Up on my feet now, too. Was he challenging my dreams? Me? Our conversation continued until it had to be paused and I got to walk my thoughts home with me, watch as they shifted and settled. I reviewed the conversation in my head, let my ego have it's turn to speak before putting it down for the night, and let his words settle into my soul.

I entertained the idea that he didn't believe in me. Ridiculous and dismissed. Something more. I waited until it hit me. This isn't what performers do. I'm not performing. I'm researching, I'm taking meetings, I'm submitting, I'm emailing, I'm at the agency several times a week, I'm auditioning like a motherfucking fiend but in a beautifully safe way, comforted by the walls of the recording booth, or the fun environment of commercials. I'm killing it at "the business" but the "show" part seems to have gone missing. Set aside, waiting until the day I am.. perfectreadybettermore. Enough.
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I can and I will. I heard it again. The second time through it sounded like the start to a favorite song, the kind that stays with you years later, the one that always gets you up dancing. A more familiar melody.
__

Within minutes, everything started to shift. Within less than a day, I spent hours in a casting session observing auditions, being a reader for those auditioning, wrote a new song, got a new script sent to me, made a list of fifteen ideas for kickstarting my creating, was given an industry magazine, warmed up my voice and sang for no other reason than the fact that I can sing, that I have a mouth and a tongue and teeth and vocal chords that somehow all work and create a sound that is unique and made just for me to have. And now, I am writing.

And just like that, a puzzle that I've been carrying around, something I could not unlock for the life of me, snapped back into place. This beautiful gift from a perfect mirror, in the form of a brave person, pacing around his living room, reflecting back to me what I cannot yet see by myself. We'll see what happens, if I keep moving toward it. There are no declarations, just really glorious lessons.

And tiny, huge truths.

And big, little moments.

And I can and I will.

ON sunday-ing

today i am trusting that we are always where we are meant to be.

and if we have a friend by our side, where we are is even better.

sundays are made for dreaming & adventuring. get to it, friends. xo

p.s. lady's shadow in the second photo down is the best ever, no? gah.

ON a note for you

some thoughts for you (& me) on this rainy morning.

how are you being brave today? xo

ON facts, yo

So I saw a little link up that's been going around (um, like, HUNDREDS of blogs have linked up on this so way to go, Whitney, well done indeed) and I decided to join it. Because it's 10:30 west coast time and mostly everyone I know is sleeping and it's that or watch Bunheads. Which I will do next.

If you're new to my blog, YES, I truly am this fascinating. Get ready to be blown away by even more facts..

FACT: as briefly mentioned above, I totally watch shows like Bunheads. Or basically anything else on ABCFamily. Don't even get me started on Pretty Little Liars. I watched the past three seasons all within the month of December and I actually feel myself considering the idea of starting over again..

FACT: my dog is my whole heart. I am totally that dog momma. However, I still fully judge other crazy dog mom's who have reached the level of putting shoes or accessories on their pups. Hen can rock a sweater (hello, he gets cold) but no way is he wearing anything with glitter.

FACT: I just up and moved myself 3,000 miles across the country and feel darn well right at home.

FACT: I think fear is a waste of time. Doesn't mean I don't feel fear.

FACT: I am horrible at calling people back, responding to texts, replying to emails, etc. Just the worst. There is only one exception to this rule and that is when my favorite man person is not doing his best job at responding. Then you'd think I was someone who nevverrr dared to miss even a minute of a call, much less be the type that has friends asking if you've fallen off the face of the earth. Double standards. Gotta love 'em.

FACT: I love chocolate. I mean I really love chocolate.

FACT: If there's a wooden floor and I'm wearing socks, I will slide across it.

FACT: I dance while driving, in the shower, in living rooms, in grocery stores. Yesterday I was with one person I barely know, another I had literally just met, and a pal of mine, and I just broke out into the running man move.

FACT: Gilmore Girls is now and will forever be my favorite show. I often find myself saying, OUT LOUD, "What would Lorelai Do?" and also: "You know what we need? We need Gilmore!" and then putting it on. As I own all seven seasons.

FACT: I often call my mom while I'm standing on the sidewalk somewhere in the city and tell her I'm hungry but I can't figure out what to eat. And I'll stay standing there until I figure it out. People love when you stand in the middle of the sidewalk in nyc, you should definitely try it.

FACT: I just love blogging. I do. Someday I obviously plan to have a hold on the entire industry and be running this damn show but even then I plan to love it.

FACT: At this point, when I watch award shows or tv shows or movies, it's now become "oh that's so and so's friend" or "wait, that guy was at that party" or "so and so says she is the sweetest girl". And I feel really cool but I also kind of miss feeling so completely separate and far from this industry. It was very magical then. Except I like being in it, too.

FACT: I'm vegan. On occasion I will eat something that isn't vegan. Like today, I ate pancakes at a diner. Pretty damn sure they weren't vegan. This is okay. I never ever eat any meat, fish, or cheese, or anything with cream or lots of milk in it. But something like pancakes where there's probably a little milk, a little eggs.. I'll do it.

FACT: I have this weird thing where I want to redecorate everyone's homes. Or like rearrange their furniture. Instead, I just move my own around in circles and change my decor a lot. Um, you know, when I actually live somewhere, that is.

FACT: I'm currently living out of a suitcase. I also did this for 2009 and 2010. And I fucking love it. It's weirdly freeing to not have so many choices or be bogged down by so many things. Though I do miss my shoes. And my books. And my bed...

FACT: I learned how to sing classically (read: opera) before I "learned" how to sing anything else. And by learned, I mean in regards to singing lessons. I wasn't a weird two year old naturally singing Opera instead of The Wheels On The Bus.

FACT: If you bring up a movie and are like 'you've seen that right?', the answer will be no. Just never saw any of those movies that everyone sees.

FACT: Hummus and pita chips. Hummus. And. Pita. Chips. All day, every day.

FACT: The idea of working at a desk/in corporate america/in a 9 to 5 makes me horrified. I worked in an office for one month this past summer and I cried - in the office - my first few days there. And I cried nearly every day after that for the whole month. Near the end, I realized I wasn't crying and I didn't mind going there so much and THAT is when I realized that shit needed to get the hell out of my life fast. You can beat the spirit out of someone but only until they remember it's missing.

FACT: When I juice fruits and veggies every day, my life is exponentially better. It just is.

FACT: Today, in my audition, I referred to myself as a hippie freak. And quite liked it.

FACT: I want a big house with lots of open space and massive amounts of natural light and multiple decks/porches/balconies. Near the beach or at least close enough to drive to without having to pack the whole car up like it's a vacation. And also, a car.

FACT: Chalkboard walls. Swoon. And old things made new. And crafting. And wooden floors. And tables made out of reclaimed wood. And golden yellows and robin's egg blue and greys. All the shades of grey. Except the book since I did not and will not read anything that everyone and their mother claims you mussttt readdd.

FACT: Which, yes, means I did not read Harry Potter and the anything ever.

FACT: Sometimes I'm so overcome with my desire to perform and tell stories and act that I feel like I might explode, it's so much. Sometimes I feel nothing for it at all and think I should do interior design. Or host an interior design show.. and back we go to the acting. Circles, friends.

FACT: I toured the whole country and Canada. Hence that suitcase thing. I always felt like I was getting away with something every paycheck I got.

FACT: You get to choose happiness. So pick it.

FACT: Leave me a comment below and tell me a fact about you. xo

ON being called

{unedited image by phillip spaeth}

Friends. I'm coming at you with a question today.

Do you believe in 'callings'?

That inner truth that guides us to a certain lifestyle, career, person or place?

Or, for you, is it more that your choices guide you? And the meaning follows?

Personally, I feel called.

There is very little other explanation for knowing what I am meant to do,

for knowing where I am meant to be, for knowing who I am meant to be with.

Especially since I've felt called to my career since I was really young, too young to 'choose' it.

I've also always felt called to be near the beach, called to be with/care for animals,

called to music, and called to certain people in my life. (I mean, who meets their best friend at two?)

For me, there is this gut reaction, or steady urging, toward something, someone, or somewhere.

The decision to come to LA was motivated by a steady voice telling me

"go to LA, go to LA, go to LA.." over and over, louder and louder until it was unable to be ignored.

It became almost plaguing. Haunting. Or like the chorus of a song you just can't stop singing.

But then, I was on the phone, my favorite voice coming through the other end. And he disagreed.

He said he feels like there are no real callings, just meaning we assign things.

For example, in hindsight, we all have great understanding and clarity (if we're lucky).

Such as "see, that's why I took that random class! to meet my new boyfriend!"

or, "oh, the reason I quit that band was so I could realize my true passion for cooking."

And so, regardless if we choose A or B, we are still choosing the path that is right.

I feel him on this. Everything is a lesson, everything is a blessing, there is no "wrong" choice.

But.. I do still feel called. So I guess I'm a mix of being called and assigning meaning,

while trusting that I'm being guided and am therefore unable to be anywhere except where I'm meant.

It's tricky. I feel so lucky to be called to a certain profession.

Yet sometimes I wonder if I'm still pursuing it because I always have been.

If being uncomfortable is my comfortable, if being unstable is actually my stable.

Or, if perhaps I am just truly made this way and am correct for following this path.

And, for me at least, unless we follow these callings, what do we have to guide us?

Isn't that our inner compass? Our gut, our callings, leading us down our twisting paths?

Today in church, the priest talked about being brave enough to just listen to God and trust that he knows. To listen and hear and then do what he says. And it felt so appropriate to hear after thinking so hard on all of this for the past few days. Because it's easy for me to want it all right now, to become impatient with the journey and want the outcome already. It's hard to not fear the unknown, to be okay with accepting that we don't know how our dreams will come true, and settle in the comfort of just trusting they will. Fear can sneak up on ya, catch you off guard. But then, this homily: "When is the last time you just listened and did what he said?"

This is what I mean by calling. When is the last time we all just listened - to ourselves, to God, to the universe, to that inner compass - and did what was said? Without a guaranteed outcome?

Without a magic eight ball or fortune-teller telling us how it will all look in the end?

I get so caught up in trying to plan and control my future, that I forget to let go and trust.

So I'm going to keep working on that.

It's weird - most of my biggest blessings often times feel like curses.

But, if I'm being truthful, I do feel lucky to have this voice, this guidance.

I feel lucky to have this inner radar that goes off when I feel "home", or where I belong.

It lights up when I'm on set, making me feel on fire. I'm home.

It lights up when I'm with dogs, making me feel full of joy. I'm home.

It lights up when I'm with him, making me feel full of love. I'm home.

I still don't have an answer for anyone about LA vs NY, except that no answer is the answer.

I can't tell you what's next or where I belong, because my heart always tells me once I'm there.

And for right now, that has to be enough.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase,

just take the first step." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now, talk to me: do you believe in callings? What is/are yours?

Do you believe we're guided on destined paths or that we assign meaning post-choices?

Do you find yourself able to listen to your voice/higher power/gut/heart?

What do you do when you can't listen or feel uncertain about the future?

Do share, do share. Deep thoughts for a Monday, right? ;) xo

On Polaroid Travels

sometimes i daydream about where else i would want to be right now.. 

 maybe in disney world .. or perhaps disneyland..

could hop a plane to san francisco .. or maybe off to LA..

or in a cozy chair, my favorite one in the whole world .. or fast asleep in one backstage..

maybe riding bikes in portland .. or at the best bookstore in denver..

 i'd fancy to be lying by the water in miami .. or indulging at Real Food Daily..

or looking at beautiful coastal views in chicago .. or by the santa monica pier..

although if we're being honest, there's few places i'd rather be .. than right next to this little boy.

the good news with playing this game is that when i'm thinking of where i'd jet off to,

i get to remember how many incredible places i've been lucky enough to see.

and instead of lusting after everywhere else, i find myself counting my blessings. giving thanks.

and then somehow, it comes to be, that the more i give thanks, the more exciting life gets,

the more adventures i'm given, and the more i remember that wonderful truth:

that we are always exactly where we are meant to be.

xo