mostly i think i have no idea what i'm doing.
i'm messy and complicated, "layered" doesn't quite do it justice. i get far too caught up in a future that hasn't happened yet, a trait which has only come to be since i finally stopped living in a past that is far long gone. i cry. not often but when i do, my god, it can be hours. days of crying. the past few have been like this. i'm frustrating and i'll pick a fight for no reason other than the fact that i feel vulnerable, i feel seen. and well, no we can't have that, can we? no we can not. i think people are crazy for working in jobs they aren't passionate for, my biggest fear is ending up in that place, and lately all i want to do is ask people what they're passionate about. i feel like i judge too much, too harshly, what do i know?
mostly i think i'm just out of my mind crazy.
i make decisions from gut feelings instead of logic. this is great except i still have logic and that means it's like a nonstop war between what i know i must do and what "i should do". i take massive leaps and hurl myself into forty million new things a year and succeed at damn near all of them. but it's never enough. i'm weirdly introverted, i almost always prefer to be alone except for when i'm with dogs or the people that light me up in a way i can't explain. otherwise, alone please. i'm brave and terrified at the same time, an interesting combination. and while i love nothing more than entertaining thousands, i am unbelievably shy, nervous, uncertain. except, of course, for when i am certain, so very certain. there is almost nothing in between those places, those two starkly different places. i'm afraid of my own talents and i block my own path better than anyone or anything could ever possibly dream of doing.
mostly i think i'll never get there, i'll never make it, i'm so far.
but then i see a picture like this. a photo, casually snapped on my iphone, on a sunny sunday in los angeles.
and i see myself. clearly.
natural, no giant smile taking up so much space that it pushes the rest of me out of the frame. authentic. direct, head on, facing whatever comes next, poised. confident.
a dog in my arms, knowing she's safe there, protecting all of the ones i can. nurturing.
hair long with a slight wave, skirt flowing, mismatched prints, ganesha around my neck. free spirit.
chipped nail polish always, wearing the same clothes for the past two months. low maintenance.
i see the peace on my face and in my body, i see the determination in my eyes right behind the sunglasses, i see the mischievousness, i see the story-teller. i see the natural born mother who only has four legged children thus far, and i see the heart that stays open, the faith that stays strong.
how rare it is to see ourselves so clearly. we happily collect all of the things we think are 'wrong' with us, gleefully discuss our flaws, willingly gripe about the things we wish we already had. but how often do we see ourselves, in all of our greatness, as we are right now in this second. i don't know if it's the place i was in, or the person who took the photo being able to see me so clearly already, but there i am: captured.
mostly, i think, i like what i see.