Here's the thing you need to know about me: very, very few things are ever set in stone with me.
I change on a daily basis. Like, huge changes in regards to myself, my opinions, my plans, and so on. (Sometimes I forget that this can be a little hard to keep up with for everyone else but if you're reading this, at least you have a heads up.) I also make little changes every day and today I decided I want to go back to blogging as kerryingon. I searched to see if I have the blogspot address (I don't) and already know I have the tumblr but I totally forgot I have the wordpress one, too.
So, I went to my wordpress and read the entries and maybe for the first time in years, remembered what I was like before. I don't necessarily agree with every word written but I know that girl. I recognize her. It's like sitting in your favorite coffee shop when someone you really love, but haven't seen in awhile, walks in and you squint as you stare at her, trying to figure out how you know this person. But knowing - KNOWING - you do. That they were important in your world. That it's important to get back in touch.
Tour has become this thing that happened to me. The point between before and after. Something I use to define myself by and something I toss blame on to. In truth, tour was this incredible experience that changed my life. A life-changing experience that led me to life-changing people. How many of those do we get? But I allowed it to become something that changed my life in a negative way.
And now, I think: enough. It DID change my life but change is not a bad thing nor does it come with bad things. In fact, what the heck IS a "bad" thing? What if - go with me here - every single event of your life is a blessing? What if something that previously felt painful now feels like a great lesson? What if we gave thanks for challenges knowing that underneath the initial pain or fear, they are great gifts (wrapped in seemingly scary paper)?
Most importantly: what if I could never have gotten to where I am/where I'm going without the tour or the way I allowed it to affect me? What if I HAD to go down into that deep, dark rabbit hole because it turned out to be my direct route to total bliss, success and love? Sort of a mind-trip, no?
Can you imagine if all of the stuff that hurt you in the past was now something you were totally grateful for? The easiest example I can find is to think about an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend who you are so happy you didn't end up with. Now think about the break up. It hurt, right? Didn't feel so great in the moment? But now you can see that it was the whole world taking care of you to make sure you didn't end up with this person who is not worthy of you, or is potentially living a life you would not want to be part of.
There is something so free, so certain about the girl who wrote that blog. There is curiosity and adventure and bravery. I finally now recall why I even titled it kerryingon: because "No matter what's going on, I fully believe I'm exactly where I should be and that the universe will keep guiding me along on my journeys so I simply keep carrying on. Or as I like to think of it, Kerrying On. And on and on and on ...".
I KNOW that girl who wrote those words and those blog posts. I know her.