Tuesday, May 28, 2013

ON an apology owed & a weekend wonder

^^my team of expert healers/wisdom guides^^

oh the wonders of what a weekend can do for you.

if you all could have seen me friday afternoon, you'd have thought the world exploded on me. the phrase "a hot mess" comes to mind. but then, clarity, you gorgeous visitor. fresh air, and puppies, you lovely things, you. a picnic full of people i love, excellence of great proportions.

on friday, among many other disasters, i was very mean to my most favorite person in the whole world. the most mean of all means, taking things out on him, unfair, name calling. the worst of it. i don't know about you, but sometimes when everything is going (very) wrong all at once, i sometimes take it out on the people i love the most. this is backwards logic, because the truth is, i might as well be yelling at myself. i've been working on this for a long time now, and i always think i've got it beat, so it feels even worse the times i've slipped up. this severe disappointment in myself on top of the shame, guilt, and feeling awful. my heart has been sitting in his chest for so many years now, that hurting him feels like hurting me. whatever the case, it does not feel good.

my tongue is sharp. my temper is fiery. my passion is deep. these are dangerous things to have all together in one tiny girl. and worse yet, i know where to cut him. and cut, i did. i feel the pits. the worst. and while i have massive plans of how to make it up to him, in the meantime, i learn my lessons like a child sticking their hand on the stove, dealing with the burns afterward.

when my phone lit up later that night, him checking in on me, i nearly burst from intense joy. i don't understand how i am so lucky to have this person around me, but i think he is the greatest human there ever was, and i count him several times when i count my blessings. god broke the mold with him.

cross your fingers i'm brave enough to deliver the apology, and cross them twice that he forgives me.

how do you handle things when everything is going awry? how do you say you're sorry? do share. xo


  1. You are such a sweetheart. You are so self-aware, and that is more than a lot of people can say. Everyone slips up. It's always good to have things to improve upon, and it takes a big person (no matter how petite!) to be able to admit when she was wrong and apologize. He will forgive you. Clearly, he was checking up on you, so he knows it wasn't about him. It's hard to keep it all on course when everything is going haywire. Hang in there, lady.

    xox Sammi

  2. defiantly apologize...if you don't it turns to bitterness and bitterness is an ugly thing ///

    keep in mind forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things :)

    and besides we usually do take our frustrations out on the ones we love them ... i know i do ... and i think they love us enough to know and understand we really didn't mean it ///