Thursday, February 14, 2013

ON old curses & big Love

my photo/San Francisco, CA/2010

i'm going to just put this out there: i used to have a valentine's day curse.
i know what you're thinking: she's exaggerating. i'm here to assure you that i'm not.
i saw a post the other day where there was a contest to see who had the worst v-day story.
i read each one and guffawed (sidenote: i can't believe i managed to work guffawed into a blog post!)
thinking that they had nothing on me. nothing! okay except one. sorry about that wedding, girl.
i won't share any of the stories here because that would be such a downer and also because i don't actually care anymore.

but i will tell you about the first year i had a great valentine's day.
my junior year of college, i had a meeting with an agent, one of the kindest boys at school brought me (and my girlfriends) each a rose, someone gave me some sort of candy, i don't know. it wasn't getting things that mattered, it wasn't the successful meeting, it was just something that clicked and said 'hey, you don't actually have a valentine's day curse, you just thought you did.'
because that's all it ever was. every year as i cringed waiting for whatever terrible thing was going to happen (and oh my god, were they terrible. boston 2004 i am looking directly at you.) i was basically manifesting something terrible to happen. by saying out loud that i had a curse, i was reaffirming it. and worse, by truly believing it, i was demanding that it happen. maybe that was the curse, come to think of it.

Love is delicious. it's great that there's a whole day devoted to it, but that's not enough for me.
i'll never be the type of girl to have a magickal valentine's day because every day is magickal.
(though to be fair, some came close. San Fran 2010 i'm looking at you. save for the 7 hrs of sobbing.)
i don't ever want to be with someone who makes a big deal out of valentine's day only to be lame or less romantic the rest of the year. no sir, not for me. so all that time that i thought i had a curse, what was really happening was that i just couldn't see how incredibly loving and special each day was, i couldn't see that i was so so so Loved, and that i was capable and worthy of being loved.
so this one day that was supposed to be about love and relationships just felt awful to me.
funny the things that we believe about ourselves, no? so silly.

look up at that photo again. which one did you see first? what do you believe about yourself?
if you're one of the people who dreads this day.. don't. stop. let yourself off the hook.
think of something you really want to do and go do it. think of someone you love and call them.
buy yourself some freaking flowers, for pete's sake (super sorry if your ex is named pete or something)
and put on your favorite song and dance in your living room and put a crown on your head.
Love yourself first. let's try that again: Love yourself first. it isn't selfish, it's mandatory.
it's the biggest and brightest kind and it builds up so much that it spills up and over your edges and out into the world and makes it so you can Love everyone else even more.

we love ourselves by taking off our makeup at night. by brushing our teeth even when exhausted.
we love ourselves by painting just because we feel like painting, crying when we want to cry.
we love ourselves when we say no to things and people that do not serve us anymore.
we love ourselves when we stay home to replenish and refuel our tired bodies & minds.
we love ourselves when we turn off our phones and emails and all beeping/flashing things.
we love ourselves by listening to our guts, our hearts, over our logical minds.
we love ourselves by saying how we feel out loud, in our bravest voices, even though it's scary.
we love ourselves by going for that run, taking that class, stretching, sweating, being.
we love ourselves by keeping an eye on ourselves and catching our destructive behavior.
we love ourselves by taking a mint on the way out of the diner, a lollipop at the bank.
we love ourselves by laughing from the deepest part of our gut, loudly, who cares if it's distracting.
we love ourselves by thinking carefully about what we put into our bodies.
we love ourselves by getting sleep, drinking water, meditating, breathing in & out & in & out.
we love ourselves by going to the doctor, by doing the blood work, by flossing.
we love ourselves by surrounding ourselves with people, colors, animals, places that light us up.
we love ourselves by picking ourselves first, by painting our nails, by putting work down.
we love ourselves even when it's hard to face ourselves, even when we don't want to.

happy day of Love, friends. i wish you the same sentiment every day. xo

1 comment:

  1. you wrote such beautiful things about loving ourselves! i like the parts about saying things out loud, listening to our guts and hearts, and taking the lollipop at the bank. i always make sure to do those little things. also, the "big love" reference in this post title made me think of win a date with tad hamilton.