Here's To; or, a Toast and Some Truths

It's an interesting thing to be so filled up with love, with my own love, with god's love, that I'm actually unable to stay in a negative space. Like, not only do I not want to but I also honestly cannot stay angry, hurt or upset at myself, at the situation, or at him. It's weird, and by weird I mean fucking awesome.

This is not because I'm special or superhuman, but instead because I've committed to being the kind of person I want to be and am not stopping for hell or high water or (attempted) heartbreak.
So a little toast to the reasons I have been dancing in my room, laughing with my whole heart, and kicking ass and taking names during a time when I thought I'd be inconsolable and broken.

Ahem.

Here's to the Paradox Process,
Here's to Ziva Meditation,
Here's to the Fiddler Women who quietly build a fortress of love for me from coast to coast,
Here's to all the exes that came out of the woodwork to send loving and funny messages,
Here's to the one flying across the country to come kick it with me for a week,
Here's to so much free theatre in the best city for theatre in the world,
Here's to my main men Pharrell and Flo Rida for making their music for me to sing and dance to,
Here's to one best friend Facetiming in from India, and another feeding me Indian food.
Here's to the gentle (loud) reminder from the universe that I can't avoid going after what I want just because my heart is so full, and to the fact that it will remind me until I get it.
Here's to loving yourself so much, keeping so much grace in your heart, that you're unable to be deterred or rerouted or broken.
Here's to understanding we have the power to be who we want to be, and live the life we want to live right the fuck now, regardless of how we've been living until this moment.
Here's to already being whole and knowing no one else is ever needed to complete me, because I'm already complete. Other people are welcome to compliment my wholeness with theirs but both of my "other halves" are me. The roles have been cast and I booked them both, no understudies needed.
Here's to knowing that I am only in charge of my growth, my ability to love, and my choices, and that I am sure as hell not in charge of yours. Just as you are not able to create or remove my happiness.

And here's to the pure hope in my heart that someday very soon you learn how to love yourself this way. That you learn how to like yourself this way. That you learn how to be massively, overwhelmingly in love with your own self. That you learn it's okay to be happy and loved all of the time, and only fill yourself up with things that make you proud of yourself. That you fight to be the man you want to be just like you've watched me fight to be the woman I want to be.
And after that, maybe you'll be okay with loving me, but either way, I'm good.

If the one thing in the world I thought could destroy me only had me upset for slightly over 24 hours, then the world had seriously better watch the fuck out.

Loving someone so much is actually very cool. It's more important to me that he grows and heals in the way he wants so badly than it is for us to be together. It's selfless in a way that I honestly didn't know I was able to love (mainly because I am not a very selfless person, openly admitted), and it just pushes me to grow more, work harder, focus more on my own life. My love for him, and his love for me, continue to make me a better person even within a painful situation. And that is something I am damn proud to be a witness to. It's something that feels rare and special, and worth honoring and respecting by not tearing the other person down but instead, praying that they build themselves up.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” - Brene Brown

Unapologetic; Or a post on 2014 and a case of the busy-busies.

this photo has nothing to do with this post. except i like it. and it fits my thoughts. credit: Philip Spaeth

Here's the thing: I really miss writing.

I keep wanting to write, thinking I should blog, but then - no, organize the new website for Mustard Seed, take the dogs out on a longer walk, finish that project, reply to the seemingly endless emails, eat-did-you-eat?, do the things, say the words, make the calls, blah blah blah. And then I don't. Mostly it's because I'm over here hoarding posts and post ideas for my soon-to-be new blog for my business website that I swear I am so close to finishing except no not at all but it's a damn good start. And I think about all these things and start to get overwhelmed and then I have to stop and take care of myself because I'm no good to the world if I'm no good to myself.

And I think about how I miss writing. And here we are.

I don't care for the idea that being busy stops you from doing what you love. That is potatoes. But I am a firm believer that we ourselves stop us from doing what we love. I see it in my clients, I see it in my community, I see it in myself. And when I spy something in myself that I don't like, I have to change it. Self-growth, change, working on myself provide me with a high unlike any other.

I've been searching around for my word for 2014. My clients and I have chosen some most excellent ones for themselves and I'm thrilled for them. My 2013 word was Brave. Capital B. And I look back at the past year and I can see how Brave weaved itself into my choices, my struggles, lessons, gains, Love, passion, and career. I can see it. I couldn't always then but that hindsight thing is no joke. 2013 blew my damn mind. I never saw any of it coming. Actually, if you had told me what would happen in 2013 a year earlier, I would have laughed my face off at you. So I'm eager to see what happens this year and am fairly without any expectations. I got that lesson loud and clear last year: you cannot control, you do not know, just show up and trust. But with that mindset, it can be hard to choose a word to encompass the upcoming year.

So I've been working through some: Light, for one. I find myself asking if that's a strong enough choice but I remind myself to be light multiple times a day so it's worth pursuing. Confidence, another. Release. Proclaiming. Balance. Commitment. And then tonight, I had a thought: Unapologetic. There's something about that word that lights up a part of me that I forgot I had and reminds me of who I am. In that deliciously unexpected way, you know? Like when you're wearing your favorite outfit and feel so right, or see a photo of yourself where you're like "oh, there I am". It feels like the piece of me that's been sitting quietly, waiting for the rest of me to come back for it.

Unapologetic. I like it.

Not in a way where I won't be apologizing. Obviously. But unapologetic about my life, my choices, what I feel like wearing, saying no to going out, saying no in general, enjoying the things I enjoy. Unapologetic about my love and ability to love and my words and my ability to speak them. Unapologetic about my success, about receiving compliments, about my commitment to hustling until I get everything I want. And freaking unapologetic about what it is that I want. And need. And crave. And hope for. And don't need. And don't want. Unapologetic about being myself.

I think the reason I love to blog so much is that it forces me to catch these tiny moments within my life that I may have missed otherwise. I don't want to miss those moments in my life. I don't want answering emails or making color palate choices or texting someone back or shoveling breakfast in my mouth to cause me to miss out on those simple, sweet, intoxicating, life-changing, life-awareness moments. I don't want to miss any of the magical life lessons that come from my sweet pups. I don't want to brush away Henry when he taps me on the shoulder with his paw (no but really he does this) because he needs something and I'm too busy working to have noticed. I don't want to miss the moments when the Universe and God are talking to me but I'm too busy updating my google calendar to hear them. I don't want to miss the way the sweetest man in the world looks at me because I'm too busy trying to plan the next time we'll be able to see each other. And I don't want to miss out on remembering these moments later because I was too busy to write them down.

I don't want to miss my life because I'm too busy creating the life I think I want.

I don't actually have a cute way of wrapping this up or tying it all together or even a point in why I'm writing except that I just needed to write. At this point I can't imagine anyone is still reading this thing but in a way that almost makes it better. And either way I don't care. It's for me, right here, right now. And I'm unapologetic about that. (Look at that, I DID have a cute way of tying it together.)

on HEAR YE, HEAR YE, SHE RETURNS.

Oh hey internet. If it seems like I disappeared, that would be because I did. This whole running your own business thing.. was that my idea? Here's what I didn't factor in.. you ready? because this is a big time super amazing piece of advice: running a business centered around dogs and running a business centered around humans are very different.

More on this brilliance after an update on my life via instagram pics:

Tell me that's not some genius shit. No, but really, when I was running my own dog nannying business for the past 2.5 years, it was pretty easy. The dogs were perfect company, didn't mind if I had to take a phone call, were on a pretty solid routine, and were okay with sometimes not talking. People are very different. That being said, I'm pretty obsessed with coaching and am able to do it right alongside acting. Add in my other social media gig with, you know, life, and that should explain the disappearance. But today I realized that I really miss reading blogs and writing my blog so hopefully I'll be able to blog more frequently.

If you want to learn more about my coaching/consulting business, visit here.
The website is being redesigned soon so keep your eyes peeled for a re-launch!
If you're a blogger and want to be a part of a test run for a new part of coaching, write me.

Have a beautiful week, friends.

on SEEING WITH THE HEART

"Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; 

what is essential is invisible to the eye." The Little Prince

Switching my computer off, and leaving it in another state for two days, helped me remember what's important.

Running with them in the park, joyous smiles spread across their little faces, helped me remember what's important.

Playing scrabble, my favorite Halloween movie on in the background, my phone silenced, helped me remember what's important.

Sitting across from my favorite human, marveling as he took the same words from earlier, and shook them around like real-life boggle, spilling them back out in front of me until it all made sense, helped me remember what's important.

Weaving through the aisles of the grocery store together, continuing our life long conversation in a way that only best friends can know, helped me remember what's important.

Seeing updates on Facebook as a friend was losing her dog, my heart breaking for them, helped me remember what's important.

Watching as she went to help even though she was already tired and would have preferred to relax, helped me remember what's important.

Taking a cab across town, to a part of Manhattan I rarely encounter, just to give him a hug goodbye, reflecting on the great lessons he taught me the whole way there, helped me remember what's important.

Resting, instead of working just-a-little-more, helped me remember what's important.

Hearing the crunch of leaves under my feet, navigating our way through the pumpkin patch, helped me remember what's important.

Watching as he stretched out his body, relaxing, trusting, knowing he is safe here, helped me remember what's important.

Sharing my truths honestly, instead of covering or worrying, and having them received with love, helped me remember what's important.

You never know when you're going to get a boatload of lessons delivered to you. Might as well stay open just in case.

on TWO GIVEAWAYS IN A ROW? AM I CRAZY? YES. Also updates.

Internet. Friends. Where has the blogging gone?! It seems I've been a touch busy lately and one of the many reasons is that there little photo above ^^^.

Some of you know that I've been life and career coaching for awhile now. However, a few months ago, I buckled down (that phrase always cracks me up) and committed to it. I set out a goal, I wrote out guidelines, I free wrote ideas, and I just went for it. And then something really cool started happening: I got clients. Like, a lot of them. And the more I coached, the more they told their friends and peers, and boom. Magick. I'm mostly coaching actors (aspiring and professional), artists, bloggers, and creative types. However, I've now coached a variety of careers and people, and feel confident I can work with almost anyone. I'm also creating a little something special for bloggers, so stay tuned** :)

I think it's important to address that I'm still first and foremost an actor. If I gave up on my own dreams and path, then I couldn't help others reach theirs. Plus, I'd be hella jealous (hella? where did that come from? did I just time travel to 1995?) as I helped other people toward their dreams if I wasn't living mine. I'm also still working for the design company in LA, and love them and the company. That may sound like a lot, but a few months ago, I had six jobs so three feels like a freaking vacation of awesome.

Here's the exciting part: I launched a website and a facebook page! They are not perfect, the logo is messy, and I haven't decided on a domain and lots of other things my ego wants to tell you. But the important part was just doing it. Taking the action. Which is pretty much always the important part. So to celebrate that, I'm having a giveaway! Enter below to win a free one-hour coaching with me. You can live anywhere in the United States, as I coach via skype and phone. Sorry to my international friends, but I haven't expanded that far. Yet.

**if you're a blogger and are interested in being part of the test-run, email or tweet me! we'll do sessions for free in exchange for being a really beautiful guinea pig.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

on MUCH MORE THAN ME (& a GIVEAWAY!)

Sometimes you just stumble onto something so cool, you can't believe you hadn't heard of it before. That's what happened with Much More Than Me. As soon as I got to the website I was in shock I hadn't ever been there before.

Much More Than Me is an amazing company that was founded "out of a joint desire to give people a creative way to advocate for acting with greater compassion toward human beings and animals". To that end, Much More Than Me has a shop full of awesome t-shirts, and for each one purchased, a percentage of the sale is donated to a cause. And even cooler yet, is that you get to select what organization to donate to, from a great list of options. While MMTM was founded from the core passion to advocate for rescue animals, they support and promote lots of organizations. So, in short, you pick your tee, and you pick where you want your donation to go. Plus, you get to join ranks with the celebrities and actors that support the company. Win-win-win.

One of the co-founders of MMTM was incredibly generous and sent me the Rafferty Reasons t-shirt, which I (honestly) wore four days in a row. Yes, that's right, four. Mainly because it's so incredibly comfortable, but also because I was so honored to wear such a great message around town.



You have a chance to win your own t-shirt from Much More Than Me! If you win, you'll get to select the item you want. Make sure to enter below, and to follow them on their Facebook page and Twitter (definitely find the coupon code currently being offered, too).

Please note: this giveaway IS open to International followers :)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

on AN UPDATE FROM HENRY & LAYLA

Hello internets, Henry Elliot here. Thought I'd give you a little catch up since it's been awhile since I posted and--
AND LAYLA JUNE. Layla June here. Layla. Layyyyyla. Did you see my dress? Go see dress. GO! Layla dress. Ruffles. Rufffffles. Ruff-ruff-ruffles.
Yes, ahem, Layla is here, too.
LAYLA. Layyylaa.
Yes, we all know your name, thank you. Now. Moving on. For the past few weeks, something very exciting has happened in our world, as we--
Is it my poop? Layla make poop!
No, Layla, it's not your poop. Seriously? I'm trying to make a blog post here. Anyway, the exciting news is that we have been back with our mommy full time.
MOMMY!
Yes, she's your mommy, too, though lord knows why that is..
WHAT you say? You say hurtful thing to Layla? I poop on you.
Moving right along, we have indeed been back with our mommy and it's been very exciting. Lots of time in the park and visiting the touristy places, taking in the sights, and so on. We've slept in the big bed each night, and mommy doesn't mind that we leave her approxamately two inches of space along the edge of the bed. She likes snuggling with us, so we try to sleep as close as possible.
Layla sleep on her head.
Yes, Layla likes to sleep on her head, while I enjoy just a bit more space. Perhaps a paw placed gently on her face. I'm considerate like that. Aside from the big bed, we enjoy the big park, and we do not enjoy the big trucks. Did you hear that, city? No more big trucks.
Henry scaredy-cat.
What was that?
No, nothing, go on.
Anyway, yes, it's been lovely. Things have been going smoothly, you know, except for the big trucks and when Layla throws up in the bed, and eats things on the street she shouldn't be eating--
CHICKEN. LAYLA LOVE CHICKEN.
Sigh. No but really, does anyone want a little Chihuahua mix? She's tiny, you wouldn't notice--
YOU try to sell Layla?! You try to rid life of a Layla?! Brother. You pay for this. You sleep with one eye open. You never see it coming! Layla NINJA! You insult Chihuahua, you must pay.
Okay, internet, well it looks like we're just about done here. Please do feel free to send treats to me. Er, us. To us. Have a nice day and--
TREATS! I hear TREATS!
Henry Elliot, over and out.