Unapologetic; Or a post on 2014 and a case of the busy-busies.

this photo has nothing to do with this post. except i like it. and it fits my thoughts. credit: Philip Spaeth

Here's the thing: I really miss writing.

I keep wanting to write, thinking I should blog, but then - no, organize the new website for Mustard Seed, take the dogs out on a longer walk, finish that project, reply to the seemingly endless emails, eat-did-you-eat?, do the things, say the words, make the calls, blah blah blah. And then I don't. Mostly it's because I'm over here hoarding posts and post ideas for my soon-to-be new blog for my business website that I swear I am so close to finishing except no not at all but it's a damn good start. And I think about all these things and start to get overwhelmed and then I have to stop and take care of myself because I'm no good to the world if I'm no good to myself.

And I think about how I miss writing. And here we are.

I don't care for the idea that being busy stops you from doing what you love. That is potatoes. But I am a firm believer that we ourselves stop us from doing what we love. I see it in my clients, I see it in my community, I see it in myself. And when I spy something in myself that I don't like, I have to change it. Self-growth, change, working on myself provide me with a high unlike any other.

I've been searching around for my word for 2014. My clients and I have chosen some most excellent ones for themselves and I'm thrilled for them. My 2013 word was Brave. Capital B. And I look back at the past year and I can see how Brave weaved itself into my choices, my struggles, lessons, gains, Love, passion, and career. I can see it. I couldn't always then but that hindsight thing is no joke. 2013 blew my damn mind. I never saw any of it coming. Actually, if you had told me what would happen in 2013 a year earlier, I would have laughed my face off at you. So I'm eager to see what happens this year and am fairly without any expectations. I got that lesson loud and clear last year: you cannot control, you do not know, just show up and trust. But with that mindset, it can be hard to choose a word to encompass the upcoming year.

So I've been working through some: Light, for one. I find myself asking if that's a strong enough choice but I remind myself to be light multiple times a day so it's worth pursuing. Confidence, another. Release. Proclaiming. Balance. Commitment. And then tonight, I had a thought: Unapologetic. There's something about that word that lights up a part of me that I forgot I had and reminds me of who I am. In that deliciously unexpected way, you know? Like when you're wearing your favorite outfit and feel so right, or see a photo of yourself where you're like "oh, there I am". It feels like the piece of me that's been sitting quietly, waiting for the rest of me to come back for it.

Unapologetic. I like it.

Not in a way where I won't be apologizing. Obviously. But unapologetic about my life, my choices, what I feel like wearing, saying no to going out, saying no in general, enjoying the things I enjoy. Unapologetic about my love and ability to love and my words and my ability to speak them. Unapologetic about my success, about receiving compliments, about my commitment to hustling until I get everything I want. And freaking unapologetic about what it is that I want. And need. And crave. And hope for. And don't need. And don't want. Unapologetic about being myself.

I think the reason I love to blog so much is that it forces me to catch these tiny moments within my life that I may have missed otherwise. I don't want to miss those moments in my life. I don't want answering emails or making color palate choices or texting someone back or shoveling breakfast in my mouth to cause me to miss out on those simple, sweet, intoxicating, life-changing, life-awareness moments. I don't want to miss any of the magical life lessons that come from my sweet pups. I don't want to brush away Henry when he taps me on the shoulder with his paw (no but really he does this) because he needs something and I'm too busy working to have noticed. I don't want to miss the moments when the Universe and God are talking to me but I'm too busy updating my google calendar to hear them. I don't want to miss the way the sweetest man in the world looks at me because I'm too busy trying to plan the next time we'll be able to see each other. And I don't want to miss out on remembering these moments later because I was too busy to write them down.

I don't want to miss my life because I'm too busy creating the life I think I want.

I don't actually have a cute way of wrapping this up or tying it all together or even a point in why I'm writing except that I just needed to write. At this point I can't imagine anyone is still reading this thing but in a way that almost makes it better. And either way I don't care. It's for me, right here, right now. And I'm unapologetic about that. (Look at that, I DID have a cute way of tying it together.)

on FILLING UP

Sometimes I realize I'm running on empty. Oh, I'm sleeping plenty, and I remember to eat more than I used to, and my life is going great, but my soul is hungry. I've been putting others and other things before me, before my dreams, before my being. And try as I might, I just can't care and love and give the way I like to unless my heart and soul and being are full, overflowing, drenched in inspiration. I don't think or know if it's this way for everyone, but I am an artist, for better or worse, and it is this way for me.

I'll notice it in little signs. The way I stretch my feet while on the subway, subconsciously sliding one foot out of my sandal, letting it gently press through a flexed position and slide into pointed. And repeat. My hands start to itch to paint. My thoughts play through my mind like a really great book, or narration of a film. And a dull, low ache, begins to wrap itself around my core. Sing. Dance. Move. Run. Play. Color. Try. Make. Trust. Write. Stretch. This little soundtrack composed by my inner most needs.

So I start to fill up. I watch things like this, and I think about the last time my bare feet touched the floor of a studio. And I marvel in the gifts that others have, and the wonders of what our bodies can do, and the ability to tell a story without speaking:

And I re-watch things like this, and I remember what it feels like to be so fully committed, and on fire with passion, and fearless and terrified all at the same time:

And I re-watch a season of this, to remember why I'm an actor, because ohmygod have you seen the genius that are these actors? The way their ability to do nothing is just everything? The way I become fixated that I must be on this show, I must be on this show. Or at least on the set, just watching, absorbing:

And I turn to words and poems and stories that crawl into the space of my soul that needs it the most:

And I think about how in the past, those words above would have surely sent me into a memory about broken hearts from boys, but seeing those words now, as I am in this very moment, I am aware of how very much it has nothing to do with boys. Quite frankly my heart is very happy in that area, thankyouverymuch. And this delights me. So instead of seeing that, this quote took the shape of me doing, trying, and going toward anything except what I want. For all the human reasons that we humans do that sort of thing. And in a way, that's almost worse than the kind of pain from a broken heart from other people. Breaking your own heart is worse. Except I think something is cracking, and it's either my sanity or my heart. And I think maybe instead of breaking, it's opening. Letting the light back in, or the fire back out, or both at once. And I wonder if I'll let it open all the way, or if I'll get to try again another time. Because eventually it will open to my truth.

And I fill up.

on SOCRATES, I LOVE YOU

For so long I would harp on the past. On what had to be "fixed" from years, days, hours gone by, so that I could move forward. It wasn't enough to let it settle, or forget about it. I had to analyze, understand, and talk it out until I (and anyone else involved) was blue in the face.

And now, I seem to be nearly completely without concern for the past. So when I saw this quote today, it caught my eye. I re-read it a few times, in my head, and then aloud. While I do my best to not harp on incidents from the past, nor identify people with any particular traits/ways they've treated me in the past (i.e. if I've changed so much, he/she could have changed just as much), I do still obsessively want to "fix" the parts of myself that I would like to be "better". I spend an awful lot of time trying to break down old belief systems that do not serve me anymore, and keep a watchful eye as to when they show up (i.e. "I'm not good enough"). This is good because it means I've identified harmful beliefs and am getting them out one by one. But could I stand to put more energy into creating my life right now, in this very second, and working toward goals? Yep.

What if, and stay with me here, but what if, in creating what I want for my present, those old belief systems just went poof. Poof! What if that's the kicker to get rid of them? What if focusing so much on wanting to stop them, is part of what's keeping them around? What if we don't need to wrestle with the ghosts of who we used to be, and can, instead, just love the living being we are right now?

That Socrates, I tell you what. Guy knew his shit.

ON a calendar of unknown awesomeness

heads up: never leave hipster glasses unattended near me. i'll do this ^^^

Today I'm looking forward to things that aren't on my calendar yet. Things that haven't been revealed to me yet.

I was thinking about all of the upcoming things I'm looking forward to in my life when I realized there are so many things to look forward to that are on their way to me, despite me not knowing it. Despite my fears that they will never come to pass, that I am not worthy of receiving them. Despite my desires to think that I'm in control, and despite my wanting to 'know the future'. It is not for me to control, it is not for me to know. What if we just kept our faith that we're being guided? That we're protected. What if we allowed ourselves the joy of looking forward to things that are not already set in stone as though they are just as scheduled as a coffee date with a girlfriend? I don't know about you but that seems way better than fearing the unknown.

So today, I can't freaking wait for the following:

1. Getting Married. Considering my favorite person to hang out with is myself, followed second by every dog ever, and considering it's really rare for me to be bowled over by someone and want to be with them all the time, I'm unclear as to when or if this will happen. So as of this blog post, I'm going with: this is totally on my 'unknown' schedule and I can't freaking wait. I mean plus, I'll be the best wife ever, obviously.

2. Being Famous. HELLO. Try being an actor, it's super fun. No, it IS super fun, but it's easy to start to feel like your whole career is in the hands of other people and that you have no say in it. (This is false, stop thinking that, silly actors!) I know there are a lot of actors who are all 'no, for me, 'tis only the art, i seek not fame' (apparently these people all speak ye olde english, in my head) but I'm all 'get me the heck on abcfamily already, would you?! i've got 14 year olds to get cult followings from!'. Or at least the kind of super successful where people are at least curious if they know me from something.
SIDE NOTE: while in LA, someone asked me what he knows me from, because he's definitely seen me in something lately. and I was all either that is an excellent, LA only pick up line, OR omg I look famous! Obvs I went with the famous storyline. Point is, I used to always wonder when my great success was coming but now? I know it's on my schedule. Bring it on when it's meant!

3. Having a home in both LA and NYC. Oh me, oh my. I can taste this one, it's so close. But it's so not for me to force or plan out. It will happen when it happens, and I trust it's on it's way.

4. Being worry-free about money and financially comfortable. Once upon a time, I knew this feeling, if only for a short time. However, I did not yet know the opposite feeling. I'm excited to get back to a place where I'm not worried about paying rent and bills every month, with my current knowledge of what it feels like to be unsure if I'll make it. It will make the sweetness even sweeter. This is on my calendar, I know the day is coming where I can rest comfortably, with a strong and steady income from doing things that I truly love.

5. Being of service, constantly. Serving by using my talents, serving by volunteering even more, serving by helping out with financial contributions, serving by living an even more joyful and loving existence. When I worry or get stressed, I tend to look inward and put all of my energies toward getting what I want and/or hiding from the world. It dawns on me, usually a little while later, that I may not be giving enough. And as I start to give and serve and lead with my gifts, I'm inundated with abundance. And thus, able to give more. I want this all the time. Not only to release those fears but also because that's what I feel we are all meant to do: give of ourselves the very best we have, which builds even more within us, and spreads our gifts to others. This is on the datebook, friends. It is there, right along side all the other amazing things I can't imagine yet.

6. Have babies. Like, one or five, or something. This seems downright impossible. First, item #1 on this list has to happen (I mean, fingers crossed, right?) and that seems daunting enough. But to then create another human with whoever that mystery person is? Or multiple humans? And take on those fears and stresses and unknowns? Seems like too much. I'm too much of a free spirit to do that sort of thing. Mama's gotta move around, take in the earth, be spontaneous. But you know what? I think it's on the calendar. No idea what the date is but it's on there in bright purple pen with a heart drawn around it. Maybe even some glitter, who knows!

7. Be a consistently working actor. Because fame sounds nice but this is the ultimate goal. Just jobs all the time. Good ones, with scripts that make my heart race and characters that make me fall in love with them. Theatre, TV, film, voiceover, and on it goes. The kind of actor that other actors hate because it's all 'um, can you leave me a job?'. I believe, friends. I believe! This is on it's way. This is on Kerry's Calendar of Life Where Dates Are Unknown But Life Is Amazing.

8. Save dogs even more than I am already helping to. Change the way the world views animals. You wanna talk about motivation for getting famous? People, I am going to tweet to my 8 million followers all about how to help save animals, knowledge about city shelters, ways to change things, info on how to adopt. Oh it will go on and on. I am doing as much as I can but I am so called to this. Which is why I'm trusting that this day will come. It's highlighted.

Eight seems like a good place to stop. You know I can go on and on. The point of this little exercise is that I'm already feeling thankful for these things, and I'm already exuding confidence that they are already on their way to me. I just believe. I believe, I know it, I trust. It's why I can look you in the eye and tell you my truths as scary as they may be. It's why I always just know what is meant for me. And if my choices are to know and feel frustrated that it's not happening yet, or to know and give thanks that it's on it's way. I'ma give me some thanks.

All right, do tell: what's on your unknown calendar? Also, do you have some hipster glasses that I could borrow? xo

ON captured

mostly i think i have no idea what i'm doing.

i'm messy and complicated, "layered" doesn't quite do it justice. i get far too caught up in a future that hasn't happened yet, a trait which has only come to be since i finally stopped living in a past that is far long gone. i cry. not often but when i do, my god, it can be hours. days of crying. the past few have been like this. i'm frustrating and i'll pick a fight for no reason other than the fact that i feel vulnerable, i feel seen. and well, no we can't have that, can we? no we can not. i think people are crazy for working in jobs they aren't passionate for, my biggest fear is ending up in that place, and lately all i want to do is ask people what they're passionate about. i feel like i judge too much, too harshly, what do i know?

mostly i think i'm just out of my mind crazy.

i make decisions from gut feelings instead of logic. this is great except i still have logic and that means it's like a nonstop war between what i know i must do and what "i should do". i take massive leaps and hurl myself into forty million new things a year and succeed at damn near all of them. but it's never enough. i'm weirdly introverted, i almost always prefer to be alone except for when i'm with dogs or the people that light me up in a way i can't explain. otherwise, alone please. i'm brave and terrified at the same time, an interesting combination. and while i love nothing more than entertaining thousands, i am unbelievably shy, nervous, uncertain. except, of course, for when i am certain, so very certain. there is almost nothing in between those places, those two starkly different places. i'm afraid of my own talents and i block my own path better than anyone or anything could ever possibly dream of doing.

mostly i think i'll never get there, i'll never make it, i'm so far.

but then i see a picture like this. a photo, casually snapped on my iphone, on a sunny sunday in los angeles.

and i see myself. clearly.

natural, no giant smile taking up so much space that it pushes the rest of me out of the frame. authentic. direct, head on, facing whatever comes next, poised. confident.

a dog in my arms, knowing she's safe there, protecting all of the ones i can. nurturing.

hair long with a slight wave, skirt flowing, mismatched prints, ganesha around my neck. free spirit.

chipped nail polish always, wearing the same clothes for the past two months. low maintenance. 

i see the peace on my face and in my body, i see the determination in my eyes right behind the sunglasses, i see the mischievousness, i see the story-teller. i see the natural born mother who only has four legged children thus far, and i see the heart that stays open, the faith that stays strong.

how rare it is to see ourselves so clearly. we happily collect all of the things we think are 'wrong' with us, gleefully discuss our flaws, willingly gripe about the things we wish we already had. but how often do we see ourselves, in all of our greatness, as we are right now in this second. i don't know if it's the place i was in, or the person who took the photo being able to see me so clearly already, but there i am: captured.

mostly, i think, i like what i see.

ON getting there when we get there

 the other day, i awoke to a bunch of text messages

and made the mistake of reading them before meditating.

so many questions needing immediate responses, so many people, all before 9am.

it made me want to pull the blanket over my head and hide.

instead, i put my phone on airplane mode and honored my commitment to my meditation practice.

and a short while into my morning session, a quiet truth made itself heard:

you'll get there when you get there.

you'll get there when you get there. i felt the words wash over me and suddenly, everything was fine.

the fact that i was running late: all good.

the fact that i have nothing stable in my life: totally fine.

the fact that i'm not sure when or how i'll achieve my dreams: okie doke.

because i'll get there when i get there. and not a moment sooner.

it's so easy to get caught up in stuff, isn't it?

in our day to day lives, in our minds, in the future, in the past.

we have these great, grandiose plans for ourselves, our relationships, our careers.

but no matter how hard we wish for something, or long to already be in the next phase,

we can't make those things arrive faster. or demand them when we want them.

and plus, if you think about it, isn't that kind of the joy of living?

humans are apt to want things, that's how we're made. what if we got everything we wanted now?

what would we long for or work toward? we'd have nothing to look forward to.

the flower in the photo above stopped me dead in my tracks with it's layers of beauty.

it was pretty impossible to capture it on my iphone, but take my word for it: stunning.

and while cliche, it echoed this same truth. that flower did not arrive on the earth like this.

it didn't start out as magnificent and colorful and fascinating and open as it is now.

it started it's life's path in the dirt. the dirt! it didn't ask how it would turn out or plan it's future.

it just did it's thing, grew as it should, took it's time, and look at it now.

each path is perfect. each path is meant. including the one you're on.

there are so many things we'll experience in our lives, so much joy.

there's no need to rush or worry. we'll get there when we get there.