SoulFULL: Listen

-- Hafiz

SoulFULL: It Will Set You Free

Some of the words that have been inspiring me lately:

found

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what's inspiring you?

xx

Here Comes The Sun:

This is for trying new things.
For pushing into that feeling that doesn't ever feel so great.
For greatness.
This is for patience when you've run out.
For running out.
For running.
This is for the way it feels to let yourself feel.
For feeling nothing.
For feeling everything.
This is for time that is fleeting.
For fleeting thoughts.
For freeing thoughts.
This is for being free.
This is for you
and the way you look at me
that gives you away.
It is not an elephant in the room,
but God Himself there with us.
The company is welcomed.
The company is laughing.
This is for me
and the way that I don't recognize myself
and all the ways that I finally do.
This is for front porches and front stoops and front yards
who keep the stories
I keep in the back of my brain.
This is for going back.
For going forward.
For swing-sets and sunsets and set-ups and upsets.
For letting it settle.
For never settling.
This is for meeting you at 2
and meeting you at 20
and meeting me at 25.
This is for meeting halfway between our houses.
For all the houses you had.
For finally being home.
This is because love will fill you up
until it spills up and out,
until you have no choice but to share it.
This is for sharing the words unsaid to anybody else.
For the things that go unsaid.
For the things that don't need to be.
This is because I know you are on the path you should be.
Your feet would not be on this ground if it wasn't for you.
This is for you.
This is for you.
Take it.

You And Me (But Mostly Me):

Grown-up truths:

1. You always know what you need to do. Instead of running around doing every possible other thing, just do what you know you need to do.

2. You already have all the answers. Be still, be quiet and listen.

3. You will absolutely mess up your manicure the second you leave the salon. Then again at home. And just a touch more when you go to sleep that night. Every time.

Fearless:

I walked into the room with my guitar in my hands. I had been so intent on making sure she was already with me that I left my audition book on my chair. For those of you who aren't theatre actors auditioning regularly, your audition book is pretty much completely necessary to, in fact, audition. It contains your music.

Upon realizing this, I made some kind of muttering to myself sounds, let the door close as I stepped back out, grabbed my book and went back in. Hire me, hire me, I'm so together. We did the brief chit-chat thing, I chose to focus on the young man directly in front of me. Six people behind the table with another at the piano so I had to choose someone, anyone. As I dragged a chair over to the center of the room, I spoke as clearly as I could,

"Just so you know, this is the third bravest thing I've ever done."

I'd peaked their attention now and even made a few laugh. The woman two people to the left of my chosen focal point person startled me:

"What were the first two?"

Her eyes were so wide, so honest, that I knew she wasn't making fun. Her glasses were lowered slightly on the bridge of her nose in a way that told me she was kind. I smiled at her.

"Ha, uh, we can talk about that later if you want."

Made them laugh again. I took a seat, drew a breath and told them I would be playing some Taylor Swift.
__

Later that night, he was walking me home. We had just turned onto my street when the topic of my music came up. "Sometimes I think the more classes I take, the more people I talk about the business with, the less I know what I'm doing or think I'm any good. I feel like they took something from me. And with my music - that's mine. It's mine. I don't want anybody touching it or messing it up."

He let me finish my thought before he responded. He is excellent at that. "So maybe that's something you just do for yourself. You don't have to turn it into a career. You still have acting for that. Music could just be for you."
__

I had gotten through the first verse and refrain when I looked up at the panel of people in front of me, eyes directly on the guy I had picked early on: "Should I keep going?"
__

"Oh, fuck them!" She speaks in a way I envy, a way that sometimes reminds me of who I think I used to be, sometimes who I think I am. "No, no, no, fuck them. They think they know anything? No. You know that guy on Smash? Plays the director or the husband or someone, I don't know, I haven't seen it. Anyway, when he went in to audition for the part of John Lennon, he turned his chair around and faced backward. He sat in the chair, facing backward and sang his whole song that way. When he finished, Yoko Ono said that's exactly how John would have done it. Guess who got the part? EXACTLY! He did. They don't know anything! You are the one with all the power."

I nodded, biting my lower lip. Desperately wanting to believe her. Desperately wanting to shake myself, to remind myself that I already fucking know this. Wondering what happened that made me forget. Simultaneously angry that I let myself, while forgiving, accepting, knowing everything was to get me to where I am.
__

I played through the entire song, only looking up that once to ask if I should continue to play. When I was finished, they all had smiles on their faces as though somewhere between the time I entered the room and now, they realized this actually was the third bravest thing I have ever done.

It was later in the week that I realized that was the first audition that had nothing to do with 'them'. That one was all for me. I didn't care if I got the part, only cared that I did this scary thing. I realized that I already knew the answers: all of the things she said out loud for me; that I am called to do something with this music; that I must keep going.

It used to be enough to be adorable. That sounds shitty, I know, but it's true. I did the adorable, well-groomed, put-together, little miss perfect musical theatre actor thing so, SO well. (Google my headshot, you'll see what I mean.) Hell, I could still do it if I was into being masochistic. But I had to quit pinning my hair back and singing the same three songs the same way I had to quit every other destructive-to-myself behavior. When I say 'enough', I don't mean all I had to do to get a job was be adorable - I mean 'enough' for me, for who I wanted to be. There's so much more now and maybe I'll never be in another musical again in my life (I wish I could explain in writing the shock that just sent through me) but dammit, I will be interesting and rough and tired and beautiful and brave.

I will be the kind of brave that sits, shaking, playing her guitar in front of other people.

Hello, my baby.

Henry Bear returned to me today after a short visit with his Grandma. My mom and I call this time his "sabbatical" which gives me the image of this little guy writing in his journal, creating poetry and having deep thoughts - like a tiny, furry Thoreau. I love being able to give him a breather from the city but we both have some wicked separation anxiety when apart. You can imagine the joy that happens when we're finally reunited (after all of, like, ten days).

His triumphant, tail-wagging return has inspired me to create another list of all the amazing things this little guy teaches me:

1. First, the obvious: getting out of the city is crucial to one's happiness and health. Sometimes I'm too hard on myself for needing breaks from this crazy town and he helps remind me that we can all benefit from time away from the sights, sounds and people.

2. Fresh air is also crucial to one's health and happiness. Even when Henry stays with my mom, I find myself taking walks if I'm cooped up in my apartment for too long. One night in particular, I felt so ancy and couldn't pinpoint the reason. A short walk (and a cookie and a bunch of kale) later, all was right again.

3. I am allowed to rest. It doesn't mean I'm slacking on responsibilities or missing out on the-best-thing-ever. It means I'm taking care of myself. Henry highly encourages naps.

4. Know your people. Figure out who is always in your corner, on your team. Not just when you're being adorable and fun but when you're whiny, yelling (barking?), nervous or feeling shy. These people are rare, be loyal to them. Also know who likes to give you treats and stick with those people, too.

5. Cuddling is a daily requirement. Let people hold you, rub your back, massage your head.

6. Electronics will never be more important than the people you Love. If Hens wants attention and I'm choosing to text or type, he will nudge the phone out of my hand or slam his paw on the keyboard. Yes, seriously.

7. Be honest about your needs. Demand them lovingly. None of that passive-aggressive-you-should-know-what-I-need shit. Tell them. (See number six for examples.)

8. Play as often as possible. Show off a little. Dance with your favorite person. High five a lot.

9. Treat the start of a new day like you have won the fucking lottery. Waking up is enough of a reason to throw a party. Sometimes Henry wakes me up at ungodly hours, already wanting to play, and you know what? I literally don't care. His little face gets me out of bed faster than anything. Sometimes I get to wake him up and that is even better.

10. Love actively. Let the Love you feel for someone spread across your face and into your body until you are moving with joy. Show them you Love them. Tell them you Love them. Out loud, often. It is not enough to just Love, it's a full body, full soul, every day experience.

So much wisdom in such a tiny pup :)

What about you? What have you learned from your pets (or, you know, human children)?

P.S. A big THANK YOU to my momma for watching the baby.
P.P.S My cousin noted (on Facebook) that she thinks he looks like me in the picture above. That's the first time that's happened and I am strangely delighted. My sister said he looks like a bobble-head. Not as delighted.

If God is a DJ.

I found myself en route went to get ashes. I'm not sure if it's those four years spent in Catholic school or my fascination with St. Patrick's Cathedral and the ability to observe so many different types of people all joining together in the same pursuit. Perhaps it's just who I am. Regardless, I went.

The line wrapped all the way out of the church, down the steps and winded it's way back toward Madison Avenue by the time I joined it. For the next 40 minutes or so, I listened to the family behind me, the woman muttering to herself in front of me and the various passerby reactions of how they were not going in that line, no way, no how, this is crazy.

I decided to give up Starbucks for 40 days. Partially for selfish reasons as my bank account and my waistline will be highly benefitted, but also because it's an actual challenge for me. Admittedly, I spend way too much time there for reasons of comfort and sugar. I have that gold card that comes with your name printed on it and makes it all too easy to swipe it just once, twice, three times more.

More importantly though, I decided to give up being unkind to myself. In other words, to be aware of how I treat and speak to myself. The easiest way for me to do this seems to be to determine if I would say to one of my best friends what I'm saying to myself. For example, when thinking about my career, I would easily tell myself that I don't know what to do, it's never going to happen. When speaking to a pal, I'd be encouraging her, helping her make an action plan and sending her love notes to remind her she has someone who believes in her. It's an interesting thing to observe my own thoughts and behavior. I tend to be so fixated by observing the people around me, sometimes I forget that I'm even visible. My favorite people to observe are kids; they're so brave, so open, unaware of the silly societal rules we learn as adults. Sometimes I solve problems or determine how to spend my time by asking myself what I would do if I were six. Always seems to do the trick.

To be honest, two weeks in and I'm not yet sure what's harder: Starbucks or kindness.

As we finally climbed the stairs and made our way into the church, in an effort to quiet her young daughter, the mother in line behind me said: "Time to be quiet, we're in God's house now". Her daughter switched her voice into a hushed whisper and without a beat, replied,"Where does God keep his TV?" 

A Sunday Kind of Love:

I'm not sure when it happened, but Sunday has fast become my favorite day of the week.

A glimpse, for you, of this one:

My theory here was that the massive amount of kale-carrot-apple-beet-ginger-lemon-lime-red plum juice would cancel out the doughnut. Which is true. But then one must factor in the near-end of the day stop into City Bakery and, well, my juicer will be revved up again tomorrow.

How do you spend your Sundays?

Calling.

let yourself be brave.

C is for Cookie.

Recently, I volunteered at the CCAP benefit. CCAP, according to their website, is "Careers through Culinary Arts Program (C-CAP) works with public schools across the country to prepare underserved high school students for college and career opportunities in the restaurant and hospitality industry."

How cool is that?! My friend Deborah's father is the founder so lucky for me, I got to witness just how awesome this organization is first hand. And how awesome tables full of dessert are. 
Passion fruit & caramel macaroons? Um, yes please.

So many of New York City's most delicious restaurants and amazing chefs came out to support.

Beautiful friends enjoying the night.

Sometimes you just need to sit down for a minute and take silly mirror pictures.

Outfit photos of the night and laughs courtesy of one of my favorite ladies.

Dress: Macy's (NYC); Shoes: Filene's (Boston); Necklace: Satya

So many people stopped me to compliment my dress. I couldn't help but laugh as some very wealthy and classy New Yorkers were loving a dress that I spied in the juniors section of Macy's. 

Just goes to show that you never know where you'll find an amazing new item for your closet :)

Eat well, be well & give back!

P.S. For more of my pics & a delicious review, check out Tough Cookie NYC

Thanks, Deb, for letting me partake in the night! For more info on CCAP, please visit their website.