on A BLACK LAB TEACHES ME EVERYTHING IN CHURCH

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I slid into the pew about ten minutes after mass had started. I'm a late person. I just am. When I left the apartment almost at the time church started, I figured I'd be much later than just ten minutes, so actually I was delighted with myself.

There was a homeless person in the pew in front of me, laying down, asleep, so there was a massive amount of seating open in that area. An invisible bubble of nonsense protection from whatever it is that people think they'll get from homeless people. For the latecomer here, this was great news, because it meant that I got a seat.

When I sat, I saw it; the flash of a long black tail whip up and around underneath the pew. And then my ears heard a familiar jingle of collar tags knocking into each other. And then out slid one paw, followed by the other, and bang, she was licking my feet. A beautiful black lab hanging out under the pew while her family took in the service. My kind of people. Her mom apologized profusely, but I shook her off. The only thing I could possibly think of to make a relaxing Sunday morning at church better, would be if there were dogs in every pew.

Every time she let out a little whimper, or thumped her head by accident, or jangled, or did one of the many other things that pups do, various people turned their heads, trying to place what the noise was. Add to this, the various screaming children who are either very upset, or are praising god in a way that adults somehow forget after age six. Parents who are shushing and hushing and rocking and reasoning. And then add the many other shuffles and sounds that come with a large amount of humans - jittery, cell phone having, busybusybusynewyorkers - all gathered in one quiet place. And I noticed something: the heads turning, the comments made, the stares and eye rolls and judgements. One couple got me, in particular. They were the first to whip their heads around when the sweet dog made a noise, every time. Yet they maintained a conversation between the two of them the entire mass. And this got me thinking.

Why were they here? To fulfill an obligation? Or because they wanted to be? Were they just punching in and out each week in order to earn enough star stickers to win extra good karma? And then ever further: Why do we do the things we do? Why do I do the things I do? What's the impulse? Reasoning?

I was speaking with a friend last night who mentioned they were considering making a decision based on filling their savings account. Now, you don't have to tell me about money. I'm an artist, for pete's sake. There are many moments where I'm like 'shoot I would be down to do that just to make the money'. Anyway, my answer to this was 'What do you want your life to look like? if you want to be in new york city, then be in new york city. If you want to feel secure knowing you have this check coming in and money being saved, then do that. If you want to move to, like, Atlanta, then move to Atlanta.' If she wants to make money right now, then she should absolutely do that. It's not for me to understand, it is only for her to do. Actively choose and do, based on what she wants for her life. Now, if the answer actually is that she wants to become a deep sea diver off the coast of some island but she's just too scared to pursue it.. well, that's a whole other thing. But if there's no fear, just an actual decision, then boom. There you go, do that.

I think this is one of the biggest blessings and curses of modern day living and freedom. We can literally choose anything that we want for our lives and then make it happen. Sure some choices come with a lot of hard work, a lot of money needed, a huge change, etc, but it's up to us. And there are so many choices, it can be overwhelming and much easier to stay where we're at, doing what we're doing, exactly as we are.

I'm rambling. I do this. I guess what I mean to say is: why are you doing the things you're doing? What do you want your life to look like? What would it look like if you took out a notebook and wrote out everything you want for your life, how you want it to look, where you want to be, heck even what sights and sounds and smells you want (or don't want) - what would it look like? And are you checking in with those ideas?

As for me, I've got a puppy friend here, and a blank notebook, and I believe it's high time to go sit by the water and check in with what I want, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. And then mayhaps enjoy an iced treat because holymoly it's hot.

Happy Sunday, friends.

ON being enough

I've been circling around this theme for awhile now. Multiple conversations this week have addressed it. And all of these endless resolutions being made left and right. New Year resolutions make me nervous. A time when people look at themselves and proclaim what needs 'improvement'. What they can better about themselves, how they can fix something. Oof. Scary.

Here's the thing, and this is super important so if you only read one sentence on my blog today,

let it be this one: You are already enough.

You are already enough.

You do not need to organize a perfect planner to be enough.

You do not need to DIY your entire home to be enough.

You do not need to make one new recipe per week to be enough.

You do not need that job promotion to be enough.

You do not need your boyfriend to propose to be enough.

You do not need to plan that 'perfect' wedding to be enough.

You do not need to always have a smile on your face to be enough.

You don't need to lose five, twenty, fifty pounds to be enough.

And you really don't need to tick every single goal or item off your to-do list to be enough.

It seems to me that productivity is a real sneaky one to watch out for. Feeling productive. Thinking over everything you did for the day and judging yourself off of that. Your to-do list does not equate your self worth. If you got nothing "done" all day, you still accomplished great feats.

I can hear you list makers yelling 'noo, I need my lists!'. Fear not. I'm with you. I love me a good crossing off of the list. So I have compiled you a new list to use daily as your got-this-done list:

Waking up alive, existing as a human being.

Having a heart that beats and functions properly.

Having lungs that allow air in and out of your body.

Blinking multiple times in just one day.

Feet that keep you upright, legs, arms, hands, fingers and toes that work.

Having thoughts, daydreams, and imaginations.

Eating. (Bonus: you can write this a few times so each one gets to be crossed off!)

Having a loving and generous heart, a soul of your own, and a mind to use.

Giving and receiving Love.

LOOK HOW MUCH YOU'VE ALREADY DONE TODAY! And that's just for starters. Sometimes I get crazy and throw things in like stretching, sneezing, or yawning. Jokes aside, these things are worthy of celebrations. They are precious gifts. In one day's time we achieve miraculous things but wind up annoyed that we didn't make it to the bank or the post office. You are not your paycheck, you are not your promotion, you are not the karats in your ring, you are not your facebook stats.

Here's the coolest part about accepting all of this: when we see how very much enough we are right now, and fill ourselves up on that, it can't help but overflow and pour out to the ones around us. This inner light of acceptance of ourselves. When I started this whole journey of seeking and growth, it was pretty selfish. I thought it would help revive me, understand me, and get me what I wanted. But one of the many endless gifts I've received has been the joy in seeing the affect and change it has on my loved ones. The more I lean into the truth that I'm enough, that I'm worthy, they also see it about themselves. I think it's pretty common for women to be motivated to put others before themselves. That caregiver trait is loud and strong. So put all of this in the context that when you accept that you're enough and your thoughts, words and actions reflect that, you are taking care of the people around you. Pretty motivating, no?

Let's be honest: I am more than guilty of this, too. I have a strange lifestyle where there are times when I won't "accomplish" much of anything all day. I don't have an office to go to where other people may pay me a compliment or provide external validation or, you know, conversation. Plus, as I said before, I seriously love a good list and can get wrapped up in it. However, I know the signs well enough to stop, pay attention to my thoughts and feelings and remedy the situation. When I hear friends judging themselves so harshly, my heart aches for them. Because I'm me, and they are them, I can say all of this to them. They laugh but they hear me. But I want to say it to you, too. The person reading this.

You are enough. Your worth and value are not determined by outside sources. You matter.

Easy as A,B,C.

I've been trying to figure out what to write about first as I re-launch Design This Life. I've got so many ideas swirling in my head, pictures I want to post, adventures & experiences to share and so on. But today it hit me for what will make the perfect post:

JUST START.

It's so simple. Take that first step, make that phone call, ask for what you want, put yourself out there, begin. I tend to languish over decisions and have lots of incredible ideas where I just think and think without ever taking any action. Forget about being the hardest, the first step is the easiest! Taking the first step means even if you slip and fall or never get any further than that first step, you have nothing to lose! Let's use the example of Legos (yes, legos). Let's say you've decided to build the most amazing lego creation ever known to mankind. With a deep breath, you place your very first piece on the table.. and just like that, you've taken the first step toward your goal! Now, say, you've got 3/4 of this massive lego creation done and you lose your focus and as you take your next step by putting another piece on, you knock into your creation and it spills everywhere.

Mega bummer.

But that first step? Quick and painless and the beginning of the foundation for your dream. Plus, since you're so fabulous, we all know you won't get close to the finish line and casually knock everything down. The more steps you take, the more focused you get, the more committed you become and the more everything just flows.

Just start. Think about what you want, make a goal, define that first step and take it.

Have questions? Want to chat about a goal? Share your thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

[Wonder what I mean by re-launch? Check out the archives of Design This Life & look for more new posts here!]