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Friday, May 31, 2013

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

ON AN ANNOUNCEMENT

I want to be clear about something: I didn't pick her.

She picked me.

She was whining to be picked up, reaching her little paws up the sides of the large pen she was in, with about 10 other dogs. It was a Saturday afternoon in Hollywood, and my first day volunteering with this new group. She was carrying on so much, her little eyebrows furrowed together, that I finally reached down and scooped her into arms. She instantly settled, staying there the rest of the event, lounging in one arm while I used the other to pet the other dogs, hand out papers.

I knew who she was. I had gone through the photos on their facebook page the two weeks leading up to this day. These are the things I do in my spare time, totally normal. I knew she needed a new foster, hers were en route to India, which is kind of far for weekly adoption events in LA. I had shown her to the friend I was staying with, flipping my laptop around, look at this little one. He would roll his eyes when he spotted me going through the dogs again, but within minutes he was next to me, eventually on petfinder, exclaiming over boston terriers and french bulldogs. He came to visit me that fateful Saturday afternoon, making the drive east from Beverly Hills, after I sent her picture to him. He stood face to face with her, sunglasses still on, arms crossed, a quick nod to me before heading over to the puppies.

When it was time to leave, she was still in my arms, and the two girls turned to me. "She has nowhere to go tonight, you know." I knew. "Just take her for the night, we'll figure something out for tomorrow." Permission came though my phone, and we drove back west, where he greeted us with an eye roll and a smile. "I knew you'd bring her home."

She ripped down the seven-foot curtain rod. She tore off blinds. She ran out the door after me, making my heart jump out through my throat. Troublemaker. She listened to me, with my face pressed into her fur, as I contemplated just what the fuck I was doing. She danced with me in the kitchen, front paws waving wildly. She hurled her body vertically, as I turned away from the pen each week at the adoption events. One of the last ones, tears welled up in my eyes as I literally forced my legs to keep going toward the car. She met him through skype, his smile wide, but brushing it off, ready to have his eyes locked on me again. I told her about him, I told her about Henry, I told her about New York, we shared dinners, had long morning walks around the reservoir. We drove across Beverly Blvd endlessly, she sat in my lap as I cruised or sat in traffic.

We spent another month in Los Angeles, moving from Beverly Hills to Silver Lake, before flying across the country back to New Jersey, then New York City. Henry wasn't having it. Oh no, sir, no way. That's my mommy! He made it clear with his bark, his attitude, and his biting attempts. His big brown eyes looked up at me, asking me how I had brought her home, who was this dog? She slept in my lap, peed everywhere, ignored him. He got better about it. A miracle. They touched noses, connected. My little terrified man crept a little bit further out of his shell, being pulled by this firecracker new sister of his.

I'm not sure when it happened, to be honest. For weeks, I protested. No, really, I was only fostering her, the dogs didn't get along. And I meant it, too. No one believes me, but we had quiet talks, she and I, and I'd explain it to her. I meant it. But then... I don't know. Maybe it's our history. Maybe it was the things that happened in the time from LA to now. Maybe it was the way she woke me up with this giant smile, a tail swoosh like you've never seen. But one day I realized she was mine. And today we went ahead and made that official.

Lady, Layla, LaLa, LayLay, my little bug. You're home now, sweet girl. You're home now.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

ON an apology owed & a weekend wonder

^^my team of expert healers/wisdom guides^^

oh the wonders of what a weekend can do for you.

if you all could have seen me friday afternoon, you'd have thought the world exploded on me. the phrase "a hot mess" comes to mind. but then, clarity, you gorgeous visitor. fresh air, and puppies, you lovely things, you. a picnic full of people i love, excellence of great proportions.

on friday, among many other disasters, i was very mean to my most favorite person in the whole world. the most mean of all means, taking things out on him, unfair, name calling. the worst of it. i don't know about you, but sometimes when everything is going (very) wrong all at once, i sometimes take it out on the people i love the most. this is backwards logic, because the truth is, i might as well be yelling at myself. i've been working on this for a long time now, and i always think i've got it beat, so it feels even worse the times i've slipped up. this severe disappointment in myself on top of the shame, guilt, and feeling awful. my heart has been sitting in his chest for so many years now, that hurting him feels like hurting me. whatever the case, it does not feel good.

my tongue is sharp. my temper is fiery. my passion is deep. these are dangerous things to have all together in one tiny girl. and worse yet, i know where to cut him. and cut, i did. i feel the pits. the worst. and while i have massive plans of how to make it up to him, in the meantime, i learn my lessons like a child sticking their hand on the stove, dealing with the burns afterward.

when my phone lit up later that night, him checking in on me, i nearly burst from intense joy. i don't understand how i am so lucky to have this person around me, but i think he is the greatest human there ever was, and i count him several times when i count my blessings. god broke the mold with him.

cross your fingers i'm brave enough to deliver the apology, and cross them twice that he forgives me.

how do you handle things when everything is going awry? how do you say you're sorry? do share. xo

Saturday, May 25, 2013

ON when it rains


Yesterday was rough. It was the kind of day that prompted a desire to hide under my blanket, tucked away in bed. The kind of day where everything is delightful one minute, and chaos the next. A right hook, followed by an uppercut, and then, bang, square in the face. Ring the bell, this girl was knocked out.

I wonder about these days. Even as I'm experiencing them, I wonder 'where is the lesson?'. I watch myself, usually without being able to affect my own behavior or to stop my own words, in a nearly out of body experience, and I think about what I'm trying to be taught. I had pulled the blanket up and over my head, Layla tucked in next to me, tail wagging and thinking we were having a grand playtime, and was trying to figure out what the heck had happened in the past hour, when it dawned on me.

We are not supposed to know what's going to happen. We don't know. It is not for us to understand or to be made aware of earlier than the very second it happens. For those of us that yearn to control, this can cause a bit (a lot) of the fear of the unknown. But it isn't for us to know. We are not in control, we are not God.

And then, another thought: I am not God, but I have God. And there, under that blanket, I felt that familiar comfort of knowing we are never alone, and my heart started to feel lighter. As it lightened, I slowly began to surrender to all of the situations that had just occurred, and I slowly gained clarity.

Slowly.

It's all a series of choices. We choose how we feel, what we're dwelling on, how we're thinking. We choose to believe someone else over ourselves, or vice versa. We choose to lose an entire day to tears, or only an hour. We choose to reach out, or we wait with fingers crossed for the other person to reach out. We let it go, or we don't. We can make a choice to be on our own team, or against ourselves. We can ask our friends for advice, or we can listed to our guts and our hearts.

The beauty here is that once I remember it's all about choosing, my power comes right back to me. Being a victim is unbelievably unappealing to me. You know, the type of people who bemoan why something is happening to them, or the kinds that sing their sob story to the world. "I'll never get this, I'll never do that, it'll never work out". I know this kind of person well because I used to be it - and once in awhile I'll go back down that road. But then: choices. And all of a sudden it becomes questions of why is this happening to me turned into what lesson am I being taught, and how will I pick myself back up, and what do I want to do next.

If you'll excuse me, I have some choices to make.

Friday, May 24, 2013

ON wanting

I want... 
to have all the answers now,
to surrender more,
to save every animal in need,
to spread compassion,
to always choose kindness (working on this),
to not be so fiery with my temper (really working on this),
to wake up earlier,
to go to bed earlier,
to paint more,
to Love first and foremost,
to say the right words,
to be easier on myself,
to be easier on you,
to sing more,
to sing more loudly,
to sing more bravely,
to take little weekend getaways,
to show my friends how worthy they are,
to write my truth,
to speak my truth,
to fall asleep next to you,
to encourage,
to dance more,
to adventure,
to be brave always,
to have my career and my relationship,
to create,
to sit under the stars with people i love,
to run easily again,
to be present,
to be.

what do you want?

ON #notestoself vol. 2


& that's about all i have to say about that.

leave a comment and let me know what you're giving thanks for right this minute.
keep up with all the #notestoself over at @kerryingon -- xo

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

ON Birthday Celebrating (& a Giveaway winner!)


This birthday was delicious. I wore my favorite new dress and my tiara, because birthdays are for tiara wearing. I celebrated all day with people I love, and met up with my twin for some twin-birthdaying at night. We went to Peacefood and Anfora to celebrate, and I recommend both if you're ever celebrating in the city. And after years (years!) of not seeing each other on my birthday, I got to end the day with my most favorite fella. He may or may not have made me a mix cd, and that, as we all know, is true love.

Over the weekend, I spent time with my family, and furry babies. Note the photo of Henry & I sharing a moment, and then please note Layla's reaction to that ;) We hang a Birthday windmill in my family's kitchen - no idea why, but we always have. My sister demanded one when she moved out, and she just hung it for her cat's first birthday yesterday. Yes, her cat. You may also note that a case of water is included in the gift pile, for that is the best gift ever for the rising temperatures of new york city. Additional gifts included beans and allergy medicine, and I could not make that up if I tried. After eight years of getting silverware as a birthday present, beans and allergy meds are like solid gold.

A giant THANK YOU to everyone who donated to Dollars For Doggies!
We raised $1087!!!
And the winner of the giveaway is.. Annie W! Congratulations girl!

You all truly made my birthday the best one yet, and I can't thank you enough.
Dogs Without Borders & Second Chance Rescue NYC will be getting the donations asap :)
xoxo

Monday, May 20, 2013

ON Birthdays & Happiness

The past several birthdays have been kind of strange.

Four years ago, I celebrated my birthday in Dallas, sharing it with two other people after having it all to myself for my whole life.

Three years ago, was celebrated with a tea party in Denver, and cards for St. Judes kids.

Two years ago, my twin and I reunited for a party in New York City on a rooftop bar with the strangest mix of industry, friends, and strangers from a second party that had been accidentally planned for the same time.

Last year, I celebrated by doing my first birthday fundraiser, and meeting the disabled dog that inspired my collection, and missing my birthday dinner due to illness.

This year, I just feel content. I don't know how else to explain it. When twin and I started talking about what we wanted to do, I didn't have any feelings one way or the other. A party would be fun, staying home would be fun, too. Strangely enough, I think this is one of my favorite birthdays yet despite being super low key. I've had a birthday breakfast with my momma and my aunt, my best friend & I hit the outlets to shop, my sister took me to meet Lauren Graham, had Birthday dinner with my dad, my puppies decided to gift me with their decision to get along (!!), I have plans with several of my most favorite people throughout today, and you beautiful strangers (and friends and family!) gave me the best gift by generously donating to my fundraiser for the dog rescues. I feel so happy and blessed.

This style of celebrating comes with a lesson I plan to take with me into my new year of life: when I just roll with whatever, I tend to be really joyful and much more appreciate of whatever comes to be. When I try to control and plan (whether that be a party, or my entire life), I tend to be disappointed, frustrated, and anxious. Sure, schedules have to be made and planning in advance needs to happen sometime, but mostly, for me anyway, going with the flow gets me to where I want to be much faster, with a smile on my face. Perhaps that's the best gift of all this year. Being quiet and still enough to hear a great lesson to inspire my upcoming year. Here's to birthdays and happiness :)

p.s. yes, I am wearing my tiara today. Can't suggest it enough.

Tell me your favorite birthday memory or way to celebrate by leaving a comment below!!

ON Dollars For Doggies LAST DAY TO ENTER!

UPDATE: I am now officially OVER my $1,000 goal!!! Which only proves to me that you all are insane, and insanely generous. My heart is so full, and you've made my birthday amazing.
If you donated already and haven't entered the giveaway, please do so! You've got through the end of today, May 20th. If you don't know how to use rafflecopter, email me or comment and I'll help!
Donations are able to be accepted through midnight tonight and a winner will be announced tomorrow! THANK YOU!! xo

Last year, for my birthday, I asked friends & family to donate to an animal rescue instead of buying me any presents. The result? $600 and my best birthday yet. This year, I'm sweetening the deal with an amazing GIVEAWAY and by reaching out to the incredibly supportive blog community to see if we can beat last year's total for two amazing dog rescues. Without further ado, I present to you...

With these kindhearted bloggers...

And these generous businesses...

All to benefit two incredible rescues:

Here's what you'll be entered to WIN:
a dog print from Bubby & Bean // gorgeous teal triangle earrings from Katilda
beautiful lavender earrings from Walkin' In Memphis In High Heels // custom hoop art from Ten Feet Off Beale

$25 Sephora gift card from Heather Hearts // $25 Starbucks gift card from KerryingOn (that's me!)
custom blog header and social media icons designed by Of Corgis & Cocktails
$25 Etsy shop credit from Let Me See You Sparkle
$20 Etsy shop credit from Head Over Heels

the stunning Muuto Flow Jug, generously donated by Viesso

and.. a FULL Scholarship to ZivaMind, generously offered by Ziva Meditation!

To Enter, please make sure you complete your donation here.
The minimum donation requirement is $1 but if you can give more,
the dogs and rescue folks would surely appreciate it :)
The giveaway will run through the end of the day (11:59 pm EST) of May 20th, 2013.
THANK YOU so much to the generous bloggers and companies for their support,
and Thank YOU for donating & Good Luck!
a Rafflecopter giveaway












Sunday, May 19, 2013

ON An Ode To Banana Republic Dresses


I'm obsessing over the latest dresses from Banana Republic. Actually let's be honest, I am basically always obsessing over everything at Banana Republic. Except anything remotely similar to slacks. (Sidenote: there are few words that I dislike but slacks is surely one of them.) I'm particularly in love with the maxi dresses, as that's my summer go-to for comfort and style in one.

I made the mistake of trying on the one in the middle. Fit me like a glove. Perfect length (hello petite section, I love you), perfect everything. Minus that price tag. So fingers crossed for a good sale soon, and until then, I'll share these lovelies here.

Friday, May 17, 2013

ON Dollars For Doggies ENDS MONDAY!

UPDATE: I am somehow magic(k)ally only $99 shy of my goal. When I set the goal I thought I was being ridiculous.. but since I am ridiculous, I did it anyway. And now here we are, just $99 shy of making it! THANK YOU to everyone who already donated. Your generosity is insane and warms my heart. If you can take a second and tweet, FB, share this post, I'll be forever grateful. xoxo

Last year, for my birthday, I asked friends & family to donate to an animal rescue instead of buying me any presents. The result? $600 and my best birthday yet. This year, I'm sweetening the deal with an amazing GIVEAWAY and by reaching out to the incredibly supportive blog community to see if we can beat last year's total for two amazing dog rescues. Without further ado, I present to you...

With these kindhearted bloggers...

And these generous businesses...

All to benefit two incredible rescues:

Here's what you'll be entered to WIN:
a dog print from Bubby & Bean // gorgeous teal triangle earrings from Katilda
beautiful lavender earrings from Walkin' In Memphis In High Heels // custom hoop art from Ten Feet Off Beale

$25 Sephora gift card from Heather Hearts // $25 Starbucks gift card from KerryingOn (that's me!)
custom blog header and social media icons designed by Of Corgis & Cocktails
$25 Etsy shop credit from Let Me See You Sparkle
$20 Etsy shop credit from Head Over Heels

the stunning Muuto Flow Jug, generously donated by Viesso

and.. a FULL Scholarship to ZivaMind, generously offered by Ziva Meditation!

To Enter, please make sure you complete your donation here.
The minimum donation requirement is $1 but if you can give more,
the dogs and rescue folks would surely appreciate it :)
The giveaway will run through the end of the day (11:59 pm EST) of May 20th, 2013.
THANK YOU so much to the generous bloggers and companies for their support,
and Thank YOU for donating & Good Luck!
a Rafflecopter giveaway